After 10 years of looking after my husband who has vascular dementia. I have come to the end of coping and he will go into care tomorrow. My question is how do I stop myself feeling guilty. My own health is getting worse, I have A Fib and C.O.P.D. My family doesn't help and I feel so isolated. He thinks he is going for a holiday while I have a rest. How have others coped with this
The time has come
- Thread starter yorkie1432
- Start date
You have done this caring for ten years, I couldn't do that. You deserve a rest and you should not feel guilty. I don't know how you can stop feeling guilty, I think it is something almost all carers will have at different times. I know I feel it often but it is irrational. We all do our best at a very difficult job. Time to look after your own health and well being.
Hello Yorkie,
It is a very difficult time for you but you know that you are doing the right thing for both you and your husband, and ten years of vascular dementia is a very long time to have managed, especially with your own health conditions.
Lots of people have found that their spouses quickly settle in to their new life. It is often harder for the carer than it is for the person with dementia because of your feelings of guilt.
Someone on here recently described it as a bag of guilt. Personally I have a stick labelled guilt that I hit myself with when I think too much. It has helped me to recognise these guilty feelings and mentally try to hide the stick or bag away for a while because I realise it's not helping me to keep beating myself up. Sometimes the bag takes up the whole room and there's no hiding it away, sometimes it is soon dispatched.
Please keep us updated on how things are going for you and your husband.
It is a very difficult time for you but you know that you are doing the right thing for both you and your husband, and ten years of vascular dementia is a very long time to have managed, especially with your own health conditions.
Lots of people have found that their spouses quickly settle in to their new life. It is often harder for the carer than it is for the person with dementia because of your feelings of guilt.
Someone on here recently described it as a bag of guilt. Personally I have a stick labelled guilt that I hit myself with when I think too much. It has helped me to recognise these guilty feelings and mentally try to hide the stick or bag away for a while because I realise it's not helping me to keep beating myself up. Sometimes the bag takes up the whole room and there's no hiding it away, sometimes it is soon dispatched.
Please keep us updated on how things are going for you and your husband.
My dear, you have done astonishingly well. I came to the end in about five years. Well done for arranging care, too, that can be hard and wrenching. I guess we all of us understand about the guilt. This condition comes hard wired with guilt for the carers, and society does not help either. Go with the way you feel for a while, see how he does at the home, you may be pleasantly surprised. Thank you so much for posting.
Isolation is the worst part of caring, so it's your family who should bear the guilt and not you. You have done well to carry on for 10 years with your own health problems, I'm struggling after 5 years and I'm in fairly decent health.
Take a break and relax in the knowledge your husband is being well looked after.
Take a break and relax in the knowledge your husband is being well looked after.
Thank you. What would we do without each
Well the deed is done. Husband is settled according to staff he is happy. Thanks for your support.
You are a very brave lady and have put your hubby in hands of the professionals, not an easy task but a wise one .Take care and chill a bit ....i am now approaching my 3rd month with many mixed emotions but all is good so far ..much love xx
@yorkie1432 you should definitely not feel guilty you have done a great job looking after him for 10 years. You have to think about yourself & your own health . You will be still looking after him only in a different way. It would have been no good you been ill because no one looks after the carer. That's good he thinks he is going for a holiday while you have a rest. Give him time he will settle. You think about yourself now & take care. You have done over & above so never ever feel guilty. Thinking of you ....
