Holiday guilt

[Zsazsa]

I haven't posted here for a long time, just been getting on with my DH's dementia journey (5 years). Two years ago I listened to everyone saying I had to care for myself as well as him and managed to have both a week's solo break and a week away with a friend last year. It was wonderful.

This year I'm planning the same....I was so excited to be going away on Saturday until my DH started mentioning my suitcase in the hall and asking if I was going away.

Today he asked again and when I said yes, he started getting upset. I'd written him a note (like I always do if I'm away for even an hour) to say how long I'd be away and who was going to look after him (his two daughters and two carers) and he's been reading it repeatedly and crying because I'm going without him.
In the note I said I needed a break from work to rest my brain (I work from home) and we'll be having a holiday together in June.

Now I can't stop thinking I shouldn't be going away without him. He's been my soulmate for 25 of our 28 years together until the dementia really kicked in, and I hate the fact that I just need to get away from him for a bit and think only of my own needs for a change.

 

[marionq]

Maybe discreetly conceal the case so it is not a constant reminder of your trip. Of course you must have a break. Remind him that he has lots of carers coming in. When I leave my husband at respite I put an A4 sheet taped to the wardrobe door saying “Marion will come to collect you on .,.... such and such a date”. The carers can just point to that if he’s wondering where I am and of course he quickly forgets anyway.

 

[father ted]

Zsazsa, 2 years ago you went away and had a lovely break. I am assuming that at that time your husband didn't get upset so you went away with no qualms.
2 years down the line your husband's dementia has progressed and you are now dealing with things at a different stage. You are obviously a loving couple that have always been totally honest with each other and so it goes against the grain to deceive him now but for both your sakes I think now is the time to start.

You definitely need and deserve a break. You know how much you enjoyed it and it will set you up for a good while when you return to caring. If it is upsetting your husband hide the case and distract him if he asks about it.
You are not abandoning him. You have made plans for him to be cared for whilst away.
Go away, have your break and have it guilt free. Caring with no breaks can make one resentful and neither of you want that.

 

[Zsazsa]

Maybe discreetly conceal the case so it is not a constant reminder of your trip. Of course you must have a break. Remind him that he has lots of carers coming in. When I leave my husband at respite I put an A4 sheet taped to the wardrobe door saying “Marion will come to collect you on .,.... such and such a date”. The carers can just point to that if he’s wondering where I am and of course he quickly forgets anyway.

Thank you Marionq, for your quick response...I will put the suitcase out of sight in the car tomorrow!

 

[Zsazsa]

Zsazsa, 2 years ago you went away and had a lovely break. I am assuming that at that time your husband didn't get upset so you went away with no qualms.
2 years down the line your husband's dementia has progressed and you are now dealing with things at a different stage. You are obviously a loving couple that have always been totally honest with each other and so it goes against the grain to deceive him now but for both your sakes I think now is the time to start.

You definitely need and deserve a break. You know how much you enjoyed it and it will set you up for a good while when you return to caring. If it is upsetting your husband hide the case and distract him if he asks about it.
You are not abandoning him. You have made plans for him to be cared for whilst away.
Go away, have your break and have it guilt free. Caring with no breaks can make one resentful and neither of you want that.

Thank you father Ted for your prompt reply which was so reassuring. I'll go with a lighter heart now.

 

[canary]

Give that guilt monster a good bashing

Then go away and have a lovely stress-free holiday. You will be able to care for your OH better after a break

 

[Agzy]

I haven't posted here for a long time, just been getting on with my DH's dementia journey (5 years). Two years ago I listened to everyone saying I had to care for myself as well as him and managed to have both a week's solo break and a week away with a friend last year. It was wonderful.

This year I'm planning the same....I was so excited to be going away on Saturday until my DH started mentioning my suitcase in the hall and asking if I was going away.

Today he asked again and when I said yes, he started getting upset. I'd written him a note (like I always do if I'm away for even an hour) to say how long I'd be away and who was going to look after him (his two daughters and two carers) and he's been reading it repeatedly and crying because I'm going without him.
In the note I said I needed a break from work to rest my brain (I work from home) and we'll be having a holiday together in June.

Now I can't stop thinking I shouldn't be going away without him. He's been my soulmate for 25 of our 28 years together until the dementia really kicked in, and I hate the fact that I just need to get away from him for a bit and think only of my own needs for a change.

Early this year I had a 6 week break taking our caravan down to Benidorm and although I felt guilty leaving her but in the event she was fine and perfectly happy watching old TV reruns and seeing more of her lads than is usual. It went that well I am off again in 3 weeks but this time on a 17 day coach tour of Canada coast to coast and no feeling at all guilty but very excited. Sounds heartless but not at all as everyone, freinds and family tell me to enjoy my life and keep looking after her for vast majority of the year and this I will do while it is possible so go for it and enjoy without guilt taking it as a reward for what you have unstintingly already done.