Pleading to come home

[KevinR]

Apologies if this has been raised before but I am at my wits end and hope someone can give me some advice.

My 90 year old dad has been suffering from vascular dementia for 5 years now and has been cared for by my 82 year old mother. Last weekend he took a dramatic turn for the worse, ending up with a fall and my mum and sister were unable to lift him. An ambulance was called an he ended up in A&E where a major bleed on the brain was diagnosed.

Against the odds he has recovered from the bleed but his doctors and we accept that there is no way that he can return home as his care needs are beyond my mother’s capabilities. When he is ready for discharge he will have to move into a care home.

This is obviously upsetting for us all but it’s being made worse by the fact that on each visit he does nothing but plead to come home, alternating between floods of tears and fits of anger. He refuses to accept he is ill and accuses us of wanting rid of him and not caring about him. This is his only subject of conversation and is tearing us all to bits. My mother in particular is almost overwhelmed by unfair feelings of guilt.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated - it’s hard enough now and I have no idea how we are going to manage his eventual move into a care home.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @KevinR, although it is a difficult situation that has brought you here I wanted to say you are welcome and should find this place supportive.
I know from reading past threads that some members have overcome this problem by telling their loved one that they are going into a convalescence setting to help them recover and then hope that they settle in for the longer term.
I'm sure others who have faced this issue will come along to share their experience with you.

 

[Witzend]

All you can really say (fib) is that the doctors say he just needs to stay until they think he's better. Repeat as necessary. There's no need to tell him he's never going to go home, at least I don't think so. Of course this will partly depend on the state of someone's short term memory, and whether they will remember what you've said before. Neither my mother nor my FIL ever did, so that did make 'love lies' easier.
I know others may disagree, but when it comes to dementia, I don't believe in telling the truth on principle, regardless of how it's going to upset the person without achieving anything at all.

 

[Grannie G]

I used to say this to my husband. Putting the onus on the doctor saved me from being the one responsible.

The doctor wants him to build up his health and strength before he can come home.

It`s such a sad time for everyone.

 

[Elle3]

Hi KevinR

Depending on how good your dad's memory is I agree with the others, blame it on the Dr's keeping him there and the same when he gets moved into a care home. Also for now you could also try agreeing with him, saying OK we will take you home, but we just need to do this first (make an excuse to delay it), I've seen staff in care homes do this and it really does help to calm them down because they feel like they are getting what they want and are being listened to. This works best though if their memory is no good, otherwise you have then to find a reason to delay it.

Lots of little fibs is best, telling your dad the truth will serve no purpose but to upset him and yourselves.

Good luck.
Elle x

 

[Witzend]

Just to add, I was once told by a care home worker who overheard one of my pacifying ' love lies' to my mother, that I was wrong, and I should tell her 'This is your home now.'
But she wasn't the one on the receiving end of anger/distress at every visit.

I ignored her advice, could see no point when my mother forgot whatever anyone said so quickly anyway.

Just saying, in case any doubtless well-meaning person should tell you the same - feel free to ignore if you think it best.

 

[gisborne]

Just to add, I was once told by a care home worker who overheard one of my pacifying ' love lies' to my mother, that I was wrong, and I should tell her 'This is your home now.'
But she wasn't the one on the receiving end of anger/distress at every visit.

I ignored her advice, could see no point when my mother forgot whatever anyone said so quickly anyway.

Just saying, in case any doubtless well-meaning person should tell you the same - feel free to ignore if you think it best.

I have a similar problem, when I visit my OH who is in hospital for assessment. Pleads to go home with me, I reply he needs to achieve better sleep or posture then the doctor will let him go home. I don't know if he will ever be ok to return home, but there is no point being totally truthful.

 

[DeMartin]

The last time mum demanded to go home I said “look out the window “ We had a snow storm at that moment, so suddenly it was “I’m no going out in that” & “ you better go before you’re snowed in”
Distraction works, examples ....I’ll have to borrow a big suitcase, it’s a bank holiday, the trains are disrupted, I’ll need to book tickets.......etc
The demands have got less, is she settling or is her dementia progressing?
Either way I’m happy.

 

[smartieplum]

Yeah, I usually tell mum I have to collect the cat, put on a washing or nip back to work. No point in upsetting her. It upsets me but I have to hide it.

 

[KevinR]

Thanks for everyone’s comments - seems like “love lies” is the only way to go. It’s hard to know how much Dad can remember from one day to the next so I guess it’s a case of “suck and see”. He’s still in hospital at the moment but we will be looking at discharge into a care home which will be challenging. Starting to realise that worrying about what is going to happen doesn’t help and that we have to take things one day at a time.