I feel so guilty

[bongo04]

This my first time on here. I decided after today that I need to be able to just get things off my chest. I am waiting for a phone call from my dad to tell me how bad my Grandma was today. I know a little of what she has been doing but I'm dreading the call.
My Grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimers 2 years ago but I believe she is heading towards the later stages of the disease, she may already be in it.
The reason I feel so guilty is because I cant bring myself to go and see her. The lady I see is a stranger not the loving cuddly warm funny lady of my youth. My dad is bearing the brunt of it and she accuses him of hitting her and having affairs with the carers. She is also hallucinating and apparently having an entire conversation on her own but with 2 different voices.
I also work for Adult Social Services and take referrals for people needing help and alot of this is dealing with caring for people with dementia. So I hear the stories of how bad it can be.
I think what I am dreading is that if I go and visit her she wont recognise me, it would break my heart.

 

[connie]

Dear bongo, welcome to TP.

You entitled your thread "I feel so guilty", and your last sentence was:

I think what I am dreading is that if I go and visit her she wont recognise me, it would break my heart.

No, she is probably not going to be quite the ameniable lady you would like to remember, but she is ill.

You will not know if she remembers you or not until you go to see her - and after all, you know who she is.

Try going to see your dear grandmother, it may ease your guilt.

However that is just my take on things......whatever you decide I hope that TP will provide some answers for you.

 

[Mel C]

Hi,
This is my first go on this site too. I can't offer any advice but you could take comfort in my guilt if you want! I feel guilty that I don't see my Dad enough (he's moderate Alzheimer's at the moment.) I feel guilty about the amount of time my Mam has to care for him. I feel guilty for not being patient with him, I feel guilty about not helping with practical logistics. I feel guilty about so many things. I think it's normal. Don't worry too much. You have to deal with it in the way that only you know how.

 

[bongo04]

Thanks for the replies. it does help just writing the words and getting them out of my head. I think as well as guilt, because my dad is dealing with most of it, I feel ashamed as I do understand what is happening to her and I could be helping her more. Almost like I'm letting her down when she needs us all the most. I need to see the bigger picture not just how it affects me, its just very difficult.
It is important to remember that it is an illness and not to take things personally.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to talking point.

You're correct: it IS important to remember it's the disease and not to take it personally, but if you find someone who can do that consistently, I for one would nominate them for sainthood. It's easy to say, but not so easy to do under all circumstances. I sometimes think it must be harder for people who have previous professional contact with this disease - they probably hold themselves to higher standards, while the rest of us "know" we don't know what we're doing half the time.

I would echo what Connie said though - visit your grandmother. Not so much for her (although you may be surprised - AD doesn't necessarily remove all memories) but for you. Sure you may end up in floods of tears but tears are transient. If you don't go, you may always regret it, and "if only" are two of the saddest words in the english language.

Take care

 

[Mel C]

Yeah, you're right. It's nobody's fault and there is no template on how to behave and react. You know you have to see her and I'm sure you will. Good luck when you do.

 

[Margarita]

I need to see the bigger picture not just how it affects me, its just very difficult.

Your right , but when your filled with your own pain of emotions, its really hard to see the bigger picture.


How I perceive it ( only because I am not living in your shoes) is that if you don't go your always wonder in the future as you look back at this time "what if "

Your emotion can't kill you , So what don't kill ya , just make you stronger.

But then at the end of the day its your Choice to go or not . So Just go with what feels good for you xx

Welcome to TP .

 

[Dave W]

My Mum has been declining with VaD for about four years now. I've dreaded every visit, be it to her house, to psychiatric hospital wards and to the home where she now is. Every time I pray it won't be a 'bad day (I've been called every name under the sun, had crockery and ashtrays thrown at me, and been accused of more crimes than Gordon Brown on bad days!).

And everytime, I come away glad that I went and that I've seen her.

When I first joined TP, a number of the moderators pointed out The Guilt Monster (TM) that sits on every relative's shoulder like a lead weight. And rightly. Those who are suffering are only human beings going through an awful illness. And us - we're only human beings, who are going through the situation looking in - and trying to have the rest of our lives too.

We can't be perfect. It's not possible. We can only do what we can - on a individual basis. If you can't cope with visiting more often, don't beat yourself up. You are at your limit. Over-reaching it won't help anyone. And not beating yourself up might make you strong enough to do more.

Try to go once - if you can't face it again afterwards, that's ok. (You might find it's not as 'hard' as you think: your Dad might appreciate it too.) I think you'll feel much guiltier when she's gone if you hadn't visited. But step one is realising that feeling guilty is ok, normal and human. One step at a time ...

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Bongo
Welcome to Talking Point and to so many of us who also have had or still have the guilt monster.

As everyone else has already written about the visiting, I will add that although my husband is in last stage and E.M.I. Unit and has not known me for such a long time, each visit I make I pray I will see a glint in his eye or let me hold his hands but no. If I did not go to visit, it could be on the rare occassion that I might see it, so that is my reason.

It is a tough decision to make but think of all the years your Grandparents have loved you. Plus it would be a wonderful support for your Grandfather.

Best wish
Christine