Managing the transitionn

[Aragorn]

OH is approaching transfer to a care home. I am her 24/7/365 carer. The bit that I think will be hardest is explaining that she is there permanently. I am not looking forward to visiting because she will think every time that I have come to take her home.

Anyone been through this and have any wisdom or experience to offer?

 

[karaokePete]

OH is approaching transfer to a care home. I am her 24/7/365 carer. The bit that I think will be hardest is explaining that she is there permanently. I am not looking forward to visiting because she will think every time that I have come to take her home.

Anyone been through this and have any wisdom or experience to offer?

I haven't been through this but have read other threads about the matter.
Key points are not to tell the person they are going to a home, put it like going for some respite, and don't mention it until the day and then just go (pack a case beforehand).
Many homes suggest not visiting for a number of days to let the person settle.
I presume you are on top of things like labels on clothes/property as things wander in homes.

 

[kindred]

OH is approaching transfer to a care home. I am her 24/7/365 carer. The bit that I think will be hardest is explaining that she is there permanently. I am not looking forward to visiting because she will think every time that I have come to take her home.

Anyone been through this and have any wisdom or experience to offer?

She may not. Oddly, my OH has never ever questioned why he is in residential care or asked me to take him home. I end each visit with some version of be with tomorrow, soon as I can ...
See what happens. May not be as difficult as you fear. all fellow feeling.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Yes...had to move dad into his NH without telling him what or why. Only respond to questions like that if she asks them and if she does don't give the impression it is permanent just that she is there for a little while to get better/recover/be looked after etc...leave it very vague if you can and hopefully as the day and weeks pass she will settle and the question will disappear into the background. I never said goodbye to dad just see you later/going to wash up/make a cake etc so he wasn't seeing me going as a trigger for him to want to leave or discuss...........he forgot I had been after a few minutes. Left my coat and bag in the car for similar reasons. Sometimes I slipped out if he was distracted or asleep.

 

[Malalie]

We never explained to Mum that she would be staying permanently - it would have caused her a great deal of distress/ anger, and she would have forgotten it within minutes anyway.

Far kinder, though less honest I know, was to say that the doctor wanted her to stay to convalesce until she was a little better/ steadier on her feet whatever.

Goodbyes were difficult and particularly upsetting for all concerned, so we generally drifted away without a goodbye or any fuss. This all sounds very cruel and sad, but we often saw MIL in the lounge with the other residents chatting away or laughing before she saw us. The sight of us visiting was what turned on the tears and fretting, so I was fairly confident that she was content there for at least some of the time.

I hope it all goes well for you - it's all very hard.

 

[firevixen 121]

OH is approaching transfer to a care home. I am her 24/7/365 carer. The bit that I think will be hardest is explaining that she is there permanently. I am not looking forward to visiting because she will think every time that I have come to take her home.

Anyone been through this and have any wisdom or experience to offer?

HI I am firevixen (hope I am doing this right) Aragom I did this 8 weeks ago and like you was afraid to go in and see him but I did after a week ,he did say I want to go home once but has never mentioned it since because they are in their own little world with like minded people and they make sort of attachments I go in 4 times a week and he shuffles around bless him moving bits of furniture they dont want moving and they think they are doing a good job. Then he will come back and mutter a few words like I have work to do so are you going now? it hurt at first but they do potter around doing rubbish but to them its important and they are safe and I am sure that you will find the same when you visit but you dont have to explain they are in there permanently their minds dont reach that question so say nothing hold hands stoke arms and when you leave I can tell you you will be more upset than they are, believe me . Hope this helps x

 

[Amethyst59]

My husband made the move about eight weeks ago...and it has been really successful for us. He is settled and happy and the staff are lovely. When I walk around the home with him, he is greeted by name by every staff member we meet (and it is a big community, with everything from a dementia unit to self contained apartments) and he gets muddled now about which home he has left. He keeps thinking it is his childhood home. He knows that he will always stay there, he thinks sometimes that I am living there too, but he is generally quite happy to see me come and go.
You can never tell how the transition will be...for us it was much MUCH smoother than I anticipated.

 

[Aragorn]

Thanks for all the positive messages, folks - much appreciated.

 

[PalSal]

My husband made the move about eight weeks ago...and it has been really successful for us. He is settled and happy and the staff are lovely. When I walk around the home with him, he is greeted by name by every staff member we meet (and it is a big community, with everything from a dementia unit to self contained apartments) and he gets muddled now about which home he has left. He keeps thinking it is his childhood home. He knows that he will always stay there, he thinks sometimes that I am living there too, but he is generally quite happy to see me come and go.
You can never tell how the transition will be...for us it was much MUCH smoother than I anticipated.

This is great news AM. I am so happy it was a smooth transition for Martin.

 

[Amethyst59]

@PalSal, I think we were very lucky that we had such a good complex so close to our home. He is in a two bed apartment, all the rooms have a sea view. He has all the support of a care home, but with his own front door.