End of tether

[Juanita]

My 91year old mother was diagnosed 2 years ago, though I suspect she has had vascular dementia/Alzheimer's for a lot longer..I am her primary carer..She has always been in denial. She is now doubly incontinent but is also in denial. If I suggest pads, she becomes aggressve. She thinks she is still capable of cooking & cleaning. She has macular degeneration therefore restricted eyesight. The fire brigade has been out because of leaving a chip pan boiling on the hob. She'll get up in the night and put things in the oven. Which, are unrecognisable, as so burnt. She denies she did it..I also care for my disabled husband and get little support from family..My mother won' hear of carers or a home. My own health is suffering. HELP ...

 

[karaokePete]

My 91year old mother was diagnosed 2 years ago, though I suspect she has had vascular dementia/Alzheimer's for a lot longer..I am her primary carer..She has always been in denial. She is now doubly incontinent but is also in denial. If I suggest pads, she becomes aggressve. She thinks she is still capable of cooking & cleaning. She has macular degeneration therefore restricted eyesight. The fire brigade has been out because of leaving a chip pan boiling on the hob. She'll get up in the night and put things in the oven. Which, are unrecognisable, as so burnt. She denies she did it..I also care for my disabled husband and get little support from family..My mother won' hear of carers or a home. My own health is suffering. HELP ...

You have a lot going on there so I feel for you, however, you are welcome here as you will get understanding and support.
Sometimes we reach a point where it's no longer about what a person wants, but what they need. There are genuine safety issues here and I think the tough love thing to do is to contact Social Services as there needs to be as assessment for both you and your mother and you are entitled to this.
If it would help to talk to the experts on our help line, the details are
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.

Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[love.dad.but..]

I agree...the point has been reached where it is not about what she wants but a priority of what she needs. Some pwd will never willingly agree to help as the illness doesn't enable them to think logically or reasonably with some situations as they decline. You also need her to have help for your own health so please make that call to Social Services.

 

[Soobee]

What she is doing is dangerous and you must get help before anyone gets hurt. It's that vital. Please contact your local Social Services team and say that you want an assessment of her needs and a carers assessment urgently.

 

[Murper1]

Your mother can't agree to getting more help, and she can't think reasonably any more. It's not her fault, but it isn't yours either. It sounds like you are going to have to do what you know is right to do and get help quickly, including asking for respite care during which time maybe there will be time to decide what is best for you and your mother.