Coping with frustration and guilt....

[Soniamary]

I hope this won' t be too long and protracted..... My mother who died in April 2016 (she lived with us for 9years and I was her full time carer) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. During her last year of life and the following year we were concerned that my sister was suffering from stress/depression ...unfortunately she was then diagnosed with early Alzheimer/dementia...or as they like to say in the medical profession "organic changes in the brain". We moved her to live with us as her home was tide to her job. She now, after 9 months with us, is living 'independently' in a village just 10 minutes away. However, during this time I have become our granddaughter's full-time carer...(Mama and Papa both work full-time, as most of their generation have to these days!)... So what is my frustration and guilt?....We persuaded my sister to move to be near us...as a single person in her early 60's she has no-one to care for her other than us. She isn't and never has been a happy person...by comparison (now in retrospect) our mother was a walk in the park to care for!!! And of course, we're now doing the daily lost/found/doesn't work/need to order a new/etc etc etc as we juggle the childminding...which is resented....(don't ask) I swing from breaking my heart with sorrow at my older sister being so debilitated and lonely and afraid...and furious with the attitude that every thing lost is obviously in our house (!) and memories that aren't exactly true.... and constant daily abrupt texts that almost demand we deal with the problem/s....
With Mum, she had happy family memories we could constantly tap into....we ran a B&B around her until it became too problematical....but in general my sister is a totally different kettle of fish....dealing with a totally negative attitude is so draining.... I love my sister and seeing this deterioration is heart-breaking. She was a profession woman in a specialised career..... I feel I am swimming against the tide. And this is no help to anyone.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Soniamary, welcome to TP.
I can't really help with any advice as you have lots more experience than me, I just wanted to say that you should try to stop feelings of guilt as you are obviously doing as much as, if not more than, anybody could.
With regard to your sister you talk about how she always was and I feel you have to accept that that personality will be at the heart of how she behaves now. I know it's easy to say, but you will have to treat her accordingly. It will be difficult. Maybe treating her underlying problems as well as the new(dementia) will have to be considered.
Do have a good look around the site as there is a lot of information in the forums and you may find something to help you

 

[father ted]

Soniamary,
Again, l have no advice but please, please don't feel guilty!
For the best of reasons and practicalities you moved your sister to be near you so you could help and keep an eye on her but she also agreed to move. Irrespective of the distance if your sister only has you she would be calling you about stuff continually and it would be much harder if she was far away. Less intrusive to you but I am sure you would still be worried and worrying at a distance is far more distressing in my opinion.

Having cared for your jolly Mum for so long you really deserve to be enjoying your grandchildren and helping out that family. Maybe put in more support for sister, look into befrienders for your sister. My Mum had one from Age UK who was great and continues to visit Mum in the care home. Maybe a day centre. If these aren't suitable for whatever reason be quite strict about when you are available and stick to it. You sound like a saint so don't feel guilty there is no reason to be.

 

[safray]

I hope this won' t be too long and protracted..... My mother who died in April 2016 (she lived with us for 9years and I was her full time carer) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. During her last year of life and the following year we were concerned that my sister was suffering from stress/depression ...unfortunately she was then diagnosed with early Alzheimer/dementia...or as they like to say in the medical profession "organic changes in the brain". We moved her to live with us as her home was tide to her job. She now, after 9 months with us, is living 'independently' in a village just 10 minutes away. However, during this time I have become our granddaughter's full-time carer...(Mama and Papa both work full-time, as most of their generation have to these days!)... So what is my frustration and guilt?....We persuaded my sister to move to be near us...as a single person in her early 60's she has no-one to care for her other than us. She isn't and never has been a happy person...by comparison (now in retrospect) our mother was a walk in the park to care for!!! And of course, we're now doing the daily lost/found/doesn't work/need to order a new/etc etc etc as we juggle the childminding...which is resented....(don't ask) I swing from breaking my heart with sorrow at my older sister being so debilitated and lonely and afraid...and furious with the attitude that every thing lost is obviously in our house (!) and memories that aren't exactly true.... and constant daily abrupt texts that almost demand we deal with the problem/s....
With Mum, she had happy family memories we could constantly tap into....we ran a B&B around her until it became too problematical....but in general my sister is a totally different kettle of fish....dealing with a totally negative attitude is so draining.... I love my sister and seeing this deterioration is heart-breaking. She was a profession woman in a specialised career..... I feel I am swimming against the tide. And this is no help to anyone.

 

[safray]

When feeling as you state I started writing my thoughts, whatever they at the time, dating & continuing, page by page. After being thoroughly truthful to myself (I can recall at any time) the depression, the guilt etc is lifted. Perhaps this would help others also.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Soniamary
and welcome from me too
you have already done a lot for your sister and will no doubt continue to monitor her situation, so no need for guilt, though I appreciate that it's not an emotion that is easily rationalised away
and you are right to want to give time and energy to your grandchildren
unfortunately, it's often the one closest to the person who gets all the blame for everything - sadly your sister can no longer think through the process of losing something or having something to go wrong, and as she 'knows' she has not done anything, someone else must have and that someone must be the one who does the most for her = you - and what she cannot remember accurately she confabulates around so she has a story that explains the situation, but which isn't the 'truth' - feel free to limit the replies to her texts, and to ignore them (I'm guessing you are pretty sure that she is fine) - maybe have a set time each day you check them over and only deal when you choose
if you haven't already, contact her Local Authority Adult Services and ask for an assessment of her care needs so that at the very least, your sister is flagged up to them - maybe if she doesn't yet need home care visits, you might ask for time at a day care centre so she is occupied safely on some days
there may be some local services you can tap into - here's the directory on the main AS site
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you?_ga=2.139333685.721471181.1503062667-213745934.1462100281#!/search
and AgeUK may have a befriending service in the rea
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/