Anger and resentment with dad

[Mjaqmac]

Hi
After caring for years for my mum with Alz who died three years ago, I am now in the postion of caring for my 81 year old dad who now has dementia.
I didn't marry til 3 years ago when I was 39 and my mum was dead then I had a son at 40 who turned 2 last week. I continued to live with my dad because he asked me to. I love him dearly but he sometimes is driving me nuts, probably because I am trying to give my son all my attention but I cannot even take him on an outing because dad can't walk far.
I finally managed to persuade two of my three siblings to take him for Sunday lunch, this has happened 3 times in the past 3 months and it's like being let out of prison.
I am a very caring natured person and have been with dad every day of my life since I was born but is it possible that carers can actually run out of compassion? Does anyone else feel like this, he's been a great dad and I could not say one bad word about him but it's the constant stalking I just cannot bear it.
I feel I'm going mad. We're off for the pre screening memory clinic on Thurs to try to see exactly what dad has, the rest of the family think there will be a magic drug to stop it all, but I've been here before with mum and I never got anywhere.
I just really needed to purge myself, thanks anyone for listening.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Magic

What a burden you`ve taken on.

Caring you most certainly are, but where is the space left in your life for you?

There is nothing in the rule book which says we must dedicate the whole of our lives to others.

I can only suggest you harden your heart just a little and try and get some respite care for your father, either out to day care or using a sitting/companion service.

I know it`s easier said than done, as I`m in a similar position trying to encourage my husband to accept care. But the fact you have been a carer for so long is affecting you, and you are the only one who can bring about change.

And trying to get siblings to share the load is a waste of energy. If they were ready to do their share you wouldn`t have to ask.

Love xx

 

[Roma]

Hi

I really feel for you. It's so hard just getting on with your day to day life without the added burden (I hate to use the word burden but sometimes it can seem like it is) of caring for a parent with dementia. As you say you've been through this all before and know what's in store and part of you is resentful that just as you're starting to get your life back in order another huge hurdle is looming up.

You probably think you have no more reserves left and I suppose with having a young son it means that what's left of all the compassion and caring you once had for your mother is now being taken up with caring for your husband and son. Don't feel guilty about feeling that way it's only natural that you want a new start and put behind you the stress of caring for your mother.

You may have to look at other alternatives of care for your dad as there's no point running yourself into the ground and then having nothing left for anyone - especially yourself.

I know it's difficult getting other members of the family involved as they just assumed that because you were the main carer for your mother then you'll just take on the responsibility of caring for your father. But try and get them to see reason and to take on some of the care.

Keep posting as it does help.

Roma x

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Magic:

I see how busy you are but you need to set aside time for some serious action. Have you talked to your Dad's GP AND your own. Tell them you need Social Services involved - get the carer's assessment and hopefully other help will follow. I see you have memory clinic soon - please push for all the help YOU can get.

Also try your local Alz. Society Organiser. Then maybe check whether you have access to charities such as Crossroads, Admiral Nurses, Help the Aged.

Do try and get the information together, preferably before the memory clinic date. With some persistence and time spent now, you may get some much earned relief.

Take care Jan

PS I now see your are in N Ireland - hope the health system and charities are the same for you as in England.

 

[Margarita]

I feel sometime what a load I am carrying, Just wish that I could unload some of my responsibility sometimes

Then last night by Magic I found this on it


When and How To Say "No" to Caregiving

When and How To Say "No" to Caregiving
By Deborah Colgan

When is it time to say “No”?

How does a caregiver know when he or she can no longer manage the daily caregiving routines and planning responsibilities? What signals alert the caregiver that he or she is in trouble of getting lost in caregiving? Can a caregiver who cherishes a loved one set limits on responsibilities without feeling guilty or morally bankrupt? These are questions at the heart of successful, long-term caregiving. Unfortunately, for most caregivers, these questions do not arise until they are feeling overwhelmed and depleted. Being able to say, “No, I can no longer continue to provide care in this way,” may not only save the caregiver from emotional and physical burnout, but can also open up opportunities of shared caregiving responsibilities with others while deepening the level of honesty and openness in the relationship.

Saying “No” may seem like a harsh statement to a caregiver who prides herself on being a helpful, kind and loving person. In fact, most caregivers choose to become one because they feel a moral imperative to do so. This imperative may come from a number of sources including family relationships and roles, friendship ties and social expectations. Families often select the primary caregiver from cultural norms such as the youngest unmarried daughter or the oldest son as being responsible for a parent’s care. Friendship ties provide many single elders with caregivers who act in lieu of local family members. In the United States, the social norm is for family and friends to provide care to elders first before the government. Current statistics show that the majority of elder care is provided by families and other members of an elder’s informal social network. Proximity is also a component in caregiving. The closer one is geographically to a loved one, the more likely he or she will become the caregiver. Personal values derived from one’s faith or spiritual practices may lead a person to feel called to provide care. Moral decision making based on humanistic values such as, “Everyone has the right to stay at home if they choose no matter what,” may encourage a person to become a caregiver. Wherever the imperative is coming from, the role of the caregiver is intimately linked to that person’s code of ethics and the way in which the person chooses to act in his or her own life.

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/when_to_say_no.htm

Its got nothing to do with not having compassion as far as I am concern, because I feel that that but still have compaction left in me to mum , even if mum was to go into NH , sure you would also for your father if that ever did happen in the future

 

[Brucie]

Hi Magic

so nice to hear from you again, so sorry it is like this for you.

You ask

but is it possible that carers can actually run out of compassion

I think what happens is that the body's self preservation system kicks in and provides a form of caring anaesthetic.

Compassion is something that requires re-charging from time to time and if this does not happen, it is like a clock on a wasted battery - it stops, starts, runs slow.

I feel I'm going mad.

I have a strait jacket, 15.5" neck if you would like to borrow it - but don't keep it too long, as I like to have it to hand

Seriously, being in a situation where there seems no solution makes us go that way. It is a warning to us - and to others - that we have had enough for the moment.

I know you, Magic, enough to say that your 'low on compassion' is the equivalent of 'compassion overflow' in others.

Take Norman's advice and take things slowly - see how the screening goes.

.... and take care of yourself and your family.....

It goes without saying [though I've said it anyway] to come to TP whenever you need to!

 

[Lynne]

Maggie

That's a very moving, relevant article. Thanks for flagging it up, I shall be looking at the website.

 

[Mjaqmac]

Thank you

Thank you everyone for taking time to give me some much needed advice.
My child has been ill with a virus, so have my husband and myself, I think it made me feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I got out for a few hours yesterday and it did the trick, unfortunately the sibling having dad made a mess of the day (which of course he knows will result in him not being asked again, well done bro, the old tricks are the best).
If you don't mind Braveheart I will borrow that straight jacket just for a while even if it's only to keep my two year old in (JOKE!).
I'm going to read the caregiving piece again. Thanks

 

[Margarita]

unfortunately the sibling having dad made a mess of the day (which of course he knows will result in him not being asked again, well done bro

Don't know what kind of mess your brother made of the day looking at after your father .

But with my brother I gave up expecting any high expectation I may have of my brother looking after my mother, so when he turn up yesterday Unexpectedly I thought what the worse that could happen in my brother looking after Our Mother , Is let her eat what food she like from the kitchen ( mum dietetic ) He just hates any confrontation with mum. So I thought as long as he dose not let mum do a runner going outside looking for me , he can sit with mum for the day .

Seriously, being in a situation where there seems no solution makes us go that way. It is a warning to us - and to others - that we have had enough for the moment.

That so true , as I know when I got to that stage . I had to really start thinking about respite Care home for mum , because at that time part of me did not want mum in care home full time .

Mum wanted my adult daughters or my brother or son to look after her while I got a break , I did let my older son look after mum for a week at one point, even my brother when we was living in Gibraltar. But after that time dementia nurse / social worker was telling me respite is meant to be for all the family to have a break. Sure you understand this anyway as you cared for your mother who had AZ .

Did your mother go into respite care home , while you was caring for your mother ?

 

[Luca]

Dear Magic.I am fairly new to TP and have found a great relief in reading the advice given - I try to adhere to it. I love my husband BUT there are days when I dislike him and I feel I must have him sent away. You are not alone with thinking this way with your dad. My brothers phone to ask how things are - but I would like, one day, for them to say they/one of them would have him for the day. He does go to a Day centre and a memory club one day per week - can you not try to go this way to give you a break. Luca.