Vascular Dementia - Parents

[PhilM70]

Recently my dad who is in his early 80 had another fall at home, which ended up with him in the local hospital for 5 weeks and the following was discovered
He had his 3rd stroke
He has vascular dementia
He did the dementia test and got 11 out of 30

My dad is now back home, but a different man to when he went in hospital
He has sold his car as his driving licence has now been taken off him
He sleeps most of the day and night - but I put this down to the medication he is on
When the local doctor made a house call not long after he had been discharged from the hospital my mum did not want either my brother or myself there when the doctor called
My mum is not coping well with my dad's condition - frustration has started to show as she is now housebound a lot of the time as she does not drive a car any more - she last drove over 20 years ago and is afraid to get behind the wheel of a car.
My brother lives 150 miles or so from my parents and does not make the conscientious effort to come home regularly to support both my parents and assist with things
I am left to run round after my parents most of the time and hold down a full time job
My parents won't accept help and the family is very disjointed for all sorts of reasons

Its hard work to deal with my parents and mum doesn't seem to understand that I would like to get on with my life (as I'm in my mid 40's still single and live alone), do all the things that I should have done by now and haven't for what ever reason.

Any thoughts or help would be appreciated as I'm beating myself up mentally as to what I have done wrong

 

[Soobee]

Hello PhilM70 and welcome to Talking Point.

It seems like a lot of pressure is being put on you and you need to be in a position to say no to some of it. It may be time to say that if your parents don't accept help from other people, then they don't need the help enough.

You cannot run yourself into the ground because of your parents.

I did find that my parents refused help but after a few months they accepted it without question. I think they had an argument or discussion about it and the resistance was never mentioned again. I hope you find something similar - I would keep making it clear that you are not able to provide the help they need.

Ask for a carers assessment for your mum, from her local Social Services and have a look to see what services are nearby that might take some pressure off you.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/homepage/168/dementia_connect#!/search

 

[PhilM70]

They had carers when dad was first discharged from hospital - but this was only to make sure he got dressed okay and at night to make sure he was okay for bed - they were gone within a few days at the request of them as they didn't see the point.
He was also recommended to go to the memory clinic at the local hospital which he has declined too.
It would seem as of they are stubborn and don't want outside help but if I put my foot down and said no to some of the requests then it would just create one big argument, mum would get all emotional, dad wouldn't understand and my brother doesn't really care

 

[Grannie G]

It`s tough @PhilM70 .

I had a full time job when my mother had dementia. It was a case of her either accepting help when I was unavailable or being at risk.

We had a few near misses and eventually she did accept day care , which was available to her at the time [she died in 2002]

I was as available as I could be but did hold back at times . I`m not saying it was easy. I was on my knees at times but she did accept help with the progression of the illness.

 

[Amethyst59]

I’m thinking, too, that a bit of ‘tough love’ is in order here. You do have your own life to live...decide how many hours a week, and when, you can offer...and stick to it. Obviously it would be different if there were an emergency, but all the time you are picking up the pieces, it delays the start of more help, which your parents are going to need. It probably needs a couple of ‘mini crises’ for your mum to accept that she needs more help than you can give.

 

[kindred]

This may seem harsh but please put your own life first now. I do agree about saying how many hours you can offer, or even not. Please do not let this situation suck you in as it becomes extremely difficult to get out. it is like pass the parcel and you end up holding the parcel for ever. You have done good supporting, but you must get on with your life, you really really must.