The Time has arrived

[Little Circles]

Only had the community mental health visit at the parents today and they are doing a respite referral. Dad rang and wants Mum in a care home today!!!!! rang the duty worker as there is nothing theycan do today as she hasn’t got case worker/ social worker so she is with me tonight and for the foreseeable I feel
Husband been really good about it
I think dad has more of a problem and it is his way or no way and my Mum is too much hassle to deal with
And apparently it is all mine problem not his
He doesn’t want her back!! So much for in sickness and in health !

 

[Beate]

Looking after someone with dementia can be soul-destroyingly difficult. If he didn't want help in the past but does want her in a home now he has probably reached the end of the road and is suffering from carer's breakdown. Marriage vows don't come into it and he has no duty of care so I guess you will have to respect his decision.

 

[Little Circles]

Looking after someone with dementia can be soul-destroyingly difficult. If he didn't want help in the past but does want her in a home now he has probably reached the end of the road and is suffering from carer's breakdown. Marriage vows don't come into it and he has no duty of care so I guess you will have to respect his decision.

Guess I have, he has mentioned it previously and I have offered to get her in a home recentlyas Dad doesn’t cope will calls and appointments and when push comes to shove he said no it is his wife and will deal with it but it seems not
I could have tried to sort it b fore it got to this stage

 

[Beate]

No, it's not your fault either. Dementia situations can be very difficult. Did they say when someone will contact you? Because by him dumping her on you he's kind of created an emergency situation but you might have to call them again to emphasise that.

 

[Little Circles]

Yes I have and I hopefully have a social worker getting in touch tomorrow To arrange an assessment as apparently as have been told nothing can move forward before then

 

[Amy in the US]

I am sorry to hear about the situation with your parents, @Little Circles. Beate is right, this is not your fault: dementia makes for some very challenging situations and anyone who is a live-in/hands on carer undergoes an incredible amount of stress. (The sleep deprivation doesn't help, nor does the constant vigilance required, the worry, dealing with incontinence and all the other issues dementia brings. It is also hard if the main carer is perhaps older and/or with health issues of their own. It does sound like your dad is overwhelmed and there may also be personality issues or family dynamics coming into play, that aren't making this any easier.)

Unfortunately dementia gets worse, not better, and there can be really challenging behaviours, plus the physical issues. Sometimes we can get support and help into place, and sometimes we can't. I am a carer who had to wait for the crisis, and it was terrible, and I wish it hadn't been like that, but it was.

Just because someone goes into a care home, for respite and/or permanently, doesn't mean that you and your dad are no longer carers, or people who care. This job is too big for any one person to do forever, without serious consequences. It's the disease that is the problem, not you!

I do hope you are able to get some help. Best wishes to you and your family.