Aggression getting worse

[Guzelle]

The last few weeks I have noticed a decline in my OH, his memory and not understanding what I people are saying. He cannot keep up with newsreaders as they speak fast and he can’t keep up with the subtitles. His hearing test the other day showed a significant loss in his hearing and now we have to buy new ones. He has been really agitated and aggressive with me and an elderly relative. He had me by throat and called me a c—t and said I don’t do anything for him and don’t care about him. I have had 2 weeks off work from my 3 day a week job which is only term time and I have done things with him taken him out most days whatever I do it’s wrong. I called the GP who said ring memory clinic I haven’t managed to get through to anyone yet! I feel so alone with no one to turn to. I’ve had enough of being abused both physically and mentally.

Just had to talk to someone. He went to a day centre, hated it and won’t go anymore. He says he hates being alone but when I am off work he is nasty to me!

 

[Bubba13]

If you are at crisis point please phone social services and get some help from them. They can arrange some emergency respite for him and the doctor can see him there and make sure he is bit a danger to himself. I hope you're okay.

 

[margherita]

When some time ago I wrote that my husband was verbally aggressive and I was afraid he might become also physically aggressive, I was given good advice to protect my safety.
In particular TP members suggested I should have a place I could lock myself in and a mobile ready at hand to call for help.

 

[Gnasher]

I so feel for you. It is so awful to feel no one is listening but there people you can ring, like the Alzheimer's helpline. If you OH's aggression is getting worse then it is important that the Momory Clinic know so that the right medication can be given. I do not know if they all work the same but our Memory Clinic have an emergency number.

As I sit writing this to you I also am going through similar. My OH's aggression and attitude towards me is unbearable most days and I find it even worse when anyone is here as it highlights just how awful,he is. However, that is when I find myself defending his behaviour the most because I know it is not him but this awful condition. I am reminded then of what I always told children that I taught years ago: 'it is not you that I dislike but the behaviour you are demonstrating'. It is the same except with dementia they cannot even 'help' the behaviour.

I hope things get better for you and that you get the help that you sorely need.

 

[sah]

You shouldn't have to put up with abuse of any sort - and you are entitled to support. Have you contacted social services for a carer's assessment? Emphasise that there has been physical assault and that you may not be safe. They have a duty of care to you as well as the person with dementia.
There is also advice available from the Alzheimer's society helpline....and please try to make sure you keep a phone with you at all times. Do you have a room you can got to and lock if you need to be safe?
I know it's awful....but it's also true that you can't help him if you are pushed too far-I ended up having a total breakdown and having to go to counselling-I wish I'd got support sooner!
Keep posting-I know there a re people on here who can give more advice.

Hugs, Sah

 

[nae sporran]

You should not have to put up with aggression. I don't know about medcation as my OH has different problems, but you need to get an emergency appointment with your GP and I would call the Helpline for advice too. Their number is 0300 222 11 22 and
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Good luck and keep yourself safe.

 

[Guzelle]

You should not have to put up with aggression. I don't know about medcation as my OH has different problems, but you need to get an emergency appointment with your GP and I would call the Helpline for advice too. Their number is 0300 222 11 22 and
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Good luck and keep yourself safe.

You should not have to put up with aggression. I don't know about medcation as my OH has different problems, but you need to get an emergency appointment with your GP and I would call the Helpline for advice too. Their number is 0300 222 11 22 and
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Good luck and keep yourself safe.

Thanks for all your replies I will try and get through to the memory clinic again or Alzheimer’s helpline. He isn’t going to get any better!

 

[Guzelle]

I so feel for you. It is so awful to feel no one is listening but there people you can ring, like the Alzheimer's helpline. If you OH's aggression is getting worse then it is important that the Momory Clinic know so that the right medication can be given. I do not know if they all work the same but our Memory Clinic have an emergency number.

As I sit writing this to you I also am going through similar. My OH's aggression and attitude towards me is unbearable most days and I find it even worse when anyone is here as it highlights just how awful,he is. However, that is when I find myself defending his behaviour the most because I know it is not him but this awful condition. I am reminded then of what I always told children that I taught years ago: 'it is not you that I dislike but the behaviour you are demonstrating'. It is the same except with dementia they cannot even 'help' the behaviour.

I hope things get better for you and that you get the help that you sorely need.

Hi Gnasher, he got aggressive last year and people from the memory clinic visited on several occasions but he behaved for them but was nasty to me when they had gone. He settled down a bit for a while but is now getting worse. He shouts at the cats all the time and they hide from him. He takes mementine which seemed to help a lot at first but not now, he has been taking them for 19 months. Sorry to hear you are going through a similar thing, is your OH taking medication? OH does behave in front of other people though apart from his elderly cousin who is 99 he can be horrible to her.

 

[Guzelle]

If you are at crisis point please phone social services and get some help from them. They can arrange some emergency respite for him and the doctor can see him there and make sure he is bit a danger to himself. I hope you're okay.

Thanks, never thought about ringing them .

 

[Guzelle]

You should not have to put up with aggression. I don't know about medcation as my OH has different problems, but you need to get an emergency appointment with your GP and I would call the Helpline for advice too. Their number is 0300 222 11 22 and
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

Good luck and keep yourself safe.

Is this the Alzheimer’s helpline?

 

[Guzelle]

You shouldn't have to put up with abuse of any sort - and you are entitled to support. Have you contacted social services for a carer's assessment? Emphasise that there has been physical assault and that you may not be safe. They have a duty of care to you as well as the person with dementia.
There is also advice available from the Alzheimer's society helpline....and please try to make sure you keep a phone with you at all times. Do you have a room you can got to and lock if you need to be safe?
I know it's awful....but it's also true that you can't help him if you are pushed too far-I ended up having a total breakdown and having to go to counselling-I wish I'd got support sooner!
Keep posting-I know there a re people on here who can give more advice.

Hugs, Sah

Thanks will try Alzheimer’s helpline .

 

[nae sporran]

Is this the Alzheimer’s helpline?

Yes, that's the one at the bottom of the page. I never thought of Social Services emergency respite, that may be wroth a try , though they only provide respite for 72 hours in Bristol. I t may just give you time to make other arrangements though, and I hope you get some help.

 

[Hazara8]

The last few weeks I have noticed a decline in my OH, his memory and not understanding what I people are saying. He cannot keep up with newsreaders as they speak fast and he can’t keep up with the subtitles. His hearing test the other day showed a significant loss in his hearing and now we have to buy new ones. He has been really agitated and aggressive with me and an elderly relative. He had me by throat and called me a c—t and said I don’t do anything for him and don’t care about him. I have had 2 weeks off work from my 3 day a week job which is only term time and I have done things with him taken him out most days whatever I do it’s wrong. I called the GP who said ring memory clinic I haven’t managed to get through to anyone yet! I feel so alone with no one to turn to. I’ve had enough of being abused both physically and mentally.

Just had to talk to someone. He went to a day centre, hated it and won’t go anymore. He says he hates being alone but when I am off work he is nasty to me!

Yes, GP and Support should be a priority. To ascertain what lies behind the agitation. You should most certainly not feel threatened in any way. Dementia - if this is the central causation - so often presents in this manner, like a cry for help - anxiety, not being able to express oneself, inner fear and all the rest of it. In Care Homes, people often hit out simply due to the fact that they are unable to express themselves at all, not because they are angry in the normal way of things. In that environment, contained, there are Staff who - if properly trained - can dissipate potential violence. You are on your own. If these moments are forgotten (by your OH) soon afterwards, as if they never took place, then where possible, temper interactions with as much calm as possible - despite agitation in return - or simply retreat. Look for triggers. All of this seems so casual, the suggestions, the observations, and so forth, because the reality of your situation demands immediate response at the time and you cannot prepare yourself for the unexpected reaction. Yet, there are tactics and approaches, borne out of experience, albeit at times, life-changing ones. But you MUST be fair to yourself and request 'support' at this stage, if not dare one say - demand it!

 

[Guzelle]

Yes, GP and Support should be a priority. To ascertain what lies behind the agitation. You should most certainly not feel threatened in any way. Dementia - if this is the central causation - so often presents in this manner, like a cry for help - anxiety, not being able to express oneself, inner fear and all the rest of it. In Care Homes, people often hit out simply due to the fact that they are unable to express themselves at all, not because they are angry in the normal way of things. In that environment, contained, there are Staff who - if properly trained - can dissipate potential violence. You are on your own. If these moments are forgotten (by your OH) soon afterwards, as if they never took place, then where possible, temper interactions with as much calm as possible - despite agitation in return - or simply retreat. Look for triggers. All of this seems so casual, the suggestions, the observations, and so forth, because the reality of your situation demands immediate response at the time and you cannot prepare yourself for the unexpected reaction. Yet, there are tactics and approaches, borne out of experience, albeit at times, life-changing ones. But you MUST be fair to yourself and request 'support' at this stage, if not dare one say - demand it!

Thanks for your reply. I know a lot of it is because he can’t hear properly hoping when he gets new hearing aids on Monday it will help. I will contact memory clinic because he is getting worse.

 

[canary]

If you fear for your safety do call the police. This sounds drastic, but they are trained for this sort of situation, will not haul him off in handcuffs, but will help diffuse his anger and will put in a repost to social services which will help your cause.

 

[Guzelle]

If you fear for your safety do call the police. This sounds drastic, but they are trained for this sort of situation, will not haul him off in handcuffs, but will help diffuse his anger and will put in a repost to social services which will help your cause.

Thanks will do that next time x

 

[kindred]

Please do call the police. You will find you are not alone in doing this and they are very sensible. This is hard to write but I feared for my life. Sole carer. Eventually we had a train crash and OH ended up in A and E and the hospital social worker took over, wrote a best interest residential care statement. I am still recovering, long way to go. And I am a mental health worker!! Situation made me so ill but I was frozen into enduring it and carrying on because of the lack of help and support. Please let social workers, police etc into your life so they know what is happening. I know it's hard. I really do. All support and sympathy. I'm new to this forum and it's so wonderful.

 

[Bree]

I had to see MOH's memory doctor with MOH, and told the doctor that we had been married for forty years, and if his aggression remained the same, we wouldn't see forty one ! He was put on Sertraline which thank goodness has helped a lot.

 

[Guzelle]

Please do call the police. You will find you are not alone in doing this and they are very sensible. This is hard to write but I feared for my life. Sole carer. Eventually we had a train crash and OH ended up in A and E and the hospital social worker took over, wrote a best interest residential care statement. I am still recovering, long way to go. And I am a mental health worker!! Situation made me so ill but I was frozen into enduring it and carrying on because of the lack of help and support. Please let social workers, police etc into your life so they know what is happening. I know it's hard. I really do. All support and sympathy. I'm new to this forum and it's so wonderful.

Sorry to hear your story, I know how difficult it is. I have a GP appointment on Friday as memory clinic referred me back to GP. I am tired of trying to pacify him and just being abused. I envy women who have lost their husbands I know that’s not right but I just want to be free to do things I enjoy without being verbally or physically abused. But today he has been a lot better than the last few days. I just never know what I’m in for . I wish he was a lot worse then I could justify him going in a care home.

 

[Guzelle]

Yes, GP and Support should be a priority. To ascertain what lies behind the agitation. You should most certainly not feel threatened in any way. Dementia - if this is the central causation - so often presents in this manner, like a cry for help - anxiety, not being able to express oneself, inner fear and all the rest of it. In Care Homes, people often hit out simply due to the fact that they are unable to express themselves at all, not because they are angry in the normal way of things. In that environment, contained, there are Staff who - if properly trained - can dissipate potential violence. You are on your own. If these moments are forgotten (by your OH) soon afterwards, as if they never took place, then where possible, temper interactions with as much calm as possible - despite agitation in return - or simply retreat. Look for triggers. All of this seems so casual, the suggestions, the observations, and so forth, because the reality of your situation demands immediate response at the time and you cannot prepare yourself for the unexpected reaction. Yet, there are tactics and approaches, borne out of experience, albeit at times, life-changing ones. But you MUST be fair to yourself and request 'support' at this stage, if not dare one say - demand it!

Yes you are right. Will ring the police the next time and I’m sure there will be a next time.