Mum says does not want to die

Antkin

Registered User
Mar 14, 2018
24
0
Bradford
I visited my Mum in a residential care home yesterday and she twice told me she did not want to die, I was lost for words, this came out of the blue we have not discussed her dementia yet.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
Dementia is not death. All living creatures die. What is important is why your mum said this. Is it spiritual? I’m not sure discussing dementia solves anything, positively is always my way.
Not knowing anything about your mum, if she has religious beliefs, a visit from a pastor may relieve worries about the future.
Otherwise just expressing love, support is what you can do.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello @Antkin
and welcome to TP
it's that first time a question or comment comes up that floors us, isn't it
I suspect that now you've had time to ponder, you've probably thought of a few things you might say should your mum mention this again
personally I'd tend to go along the reassurance route also - and if it will keep your mum settled rather than anxious, use some 'love lies'
maybe 'well we're all getting older mum, but there's a some good times left in us both I think so let's enjoy ourselves, how about a ... (whatever she considers a treat eg I keep chocolate and chocolate biscuits close by at all times for dad and take him in his favourite fruit each visit)
I agree that actually discussing dementia may not be productive or comforting, even if your mum has generally been the type to want to know things - and often the diagnosis isn't retained by the person anyway - so any 'wobbles' with dad I tell him are part of this getting older business, or because he's tired, may be starting a cold ..... so I sympathise and reassure and then distract/change the subject if at all possible
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Hello @Antkin

It must have been a shock hearing those fears expressed for the first time. You had no preparation so it was difficult to provide a satisfactory response.

I think if my mum had expressed those fears I`d have tried to reassure her by saying it is why everyone is trying their best to keep her as well as possible.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
One of my many cousins, with terminal cancer, didn’t want to die. A chat with his church minister helped enormously and he managed to come to terms with dying.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
Most of the people I mix with these days are older and during the last couple of years we have lost three of our number to cancer. We have all had our ups and downs, ourselves and our families and the subject of death and dying comes up quite often in conversation.

There is not one of us who wants to die but it scares us more to think of how we are going to die than the actuality of it happening. We have some quite macabre 'in' jokes that are the source of much amusement at times, a bit like making a rude gesture really. You Brits know all about that sort of humor that gets you through some bad times.

Sometimes when when you are shocked by the admission your mum made, it is more about your own fears than hers. If your mum is capable of having a conversation with you and she says it again, why not let her express her fears to you, let her tell you what she needs to at this time in her life?

I think it is an opportunity for you to make a connection with her that will be something very precious to you. It won't be easy but I believe it will help you get through what lies ahead of all of us.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
My mother didn’t want to die but enjoyed talking about it. She would discuss her financial position, burial or cremation, what should happen to her things and so on. I went along with it in a matter of fact way as she obviously wanted to think it through.

She was however constantly telling people what they could have when she was gone and of course they would remember but she would forget and promise the next person the same thing. She promised me her lovely nose but I didn’t get that!
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
My mother didn’t want to die but enjoyed talking about it. She would discuss her financial position, burial or cremation, what should happen to her things and so on. I went along with it in a matter of fact way as she obviously wanted to think it through.

She was however constantly telling people what they could have when she was gone and of course they would remember but she would forget and promise the next person the same thing. She promised me her lovely nose but I didn’t get that!

:D:D Just told my wife that and she suggested you misheard and your mother meant you to have her lovely gnomes - did you get any of those at least??? ;)
 

Nandi

Registered User
Mar 20, 2018
28
0
Grimsby
We are not allowed to mention dying in this house but that has been a life long attitude not just since dementia if I do mention it get told is that what you want. Would i look after him like I do if that is the case. Sometimes they can hurt have to learn not to take personally quote theyknow not what they say or do they I have wondered at times
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
:D:D Just told my wife that and she suggested you misheard and your mother meant you to have her lovely gnomes - did you get any of those at least??? ;)
Mum had a lovely thin straight nose which none of her children or grandchildren inherited. I used to admire it as mine is ordinary. Lo and behold my sister's granddaughter who is the youngest of that generation has Mum's nose. Genetics! So fascinating!
 

Antkin

Registered User
Mar 14, 2018
24
0
Bradford
Last night the care home telephoned to say they are taking my mum to hospital for a scan because they think she has had a mini stroke. I was intending to see her next week and have ordered flowers for mothers day. The care home said they would update me last night or tomorrow (today). Last night I texted my pastor and had mum placed on the prayer chain. Is this now a waiting game?
 

Paty

Registered User
Mar 31, 2019
13
0
It is normal to have a certain fear of dying, especially when we find ourselves in a dangerous situation like a disease
 

Antkin

Registered User
Mar 14, 2018
24
0
Bradford
It is normal to have a certain fear of dying, especially when we find ourselves in a dangerous situation like a disease

Thank you for your post Paty. My mum has returned to the residential home and the staff on Sunday (mothering Sunday) read from the Gideon New Testament to my mum. She gets distressed when the staff brush her lips with water which they do on an hourly basis. On the advise sheet from the Admiral nurses it suggests lip balm. This I now have and will take in on Tuesday. Yesterday I played Terry Oldfields CD with flute music which mum found relaxing and dozed off to. I now take one day at a time.
 

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