Help, call to say care home place available for dad

[Elle3]

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

 

[canary]

There are very, very few PWD who willingly go into a care home.
My mum fought tooth and nail against going (one of the main reasons for our guilt), yet once she had settled there she thrived. Love lies are the way to go. Describe it as a holiday with people to wait on them hand and foot; or maybe focus on something that they know is a problem (perhaps a dicky heart) and say that the doctor wants him to go in to build up his strength again. I also wouldnt tell him in advance as he would probably dwell on it - dont give him time to decide hes not going!

Pack a suitcase with a few changes of clothing, toiletries and anything else that you consider essential and put it in the boot of your car when he is asleep and doesnt know. You can come back for other things later. Alternatively, if you have a friend or relative working with you they can pack up the rest when he is on his way and then arrive there, sneak everything up to his room before he gets shown it and then his room is all ready waiting for him. Things I took for mum were a bedspread, photos (copies), pictures for her wall and her favourite cuddly toy.

Dont take anything valuable or irreplaceable as things tend to go walkabout in dementia homes . Label absolutely everything - I used the clip on name tags and the sticky tags from this crowd https://www.nametag-it.co.uk/ but there are others. Remember to label photos and shoes too.

The money and keys might be tricky. I used these https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novelty-Napkins-Either-supplied-Random/dp/B01B2UZZ2Y and mum didnt notice the difference, but may not work for everyone. Do you have some keys which dont fit anything which you swap for his housekeys?

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Elle. I am sorry to hear you sounding so upset.

Please remember that you are not doing anything bad to your dad. You didn't make him get this disease and you are not taking away his independence and abilities. Dementia is doing that. Because of the dementia, he is not safe to live alone at home and is not getting the care he needs--it is not down to any failing of yours. The disease is to blame, not you. You are not the enemy. Dementia is the enemy!

First thing you do is to take a deep breath. You don't have to get this perfect on the first try.

The next thing you do is, do not discuss this with your dad, don't bring it up, don't mention it at all. Unfortunately, due to the dementia, he is not able to make well reasoned and considered decisions about what is best for his care and well being, and you have to do that instead. That sucks, and I'm sorry. But if discussing it will only upset him, as I suspect it will, then just don't say a word. As Canary says, almost nobody says, sure, move me to a care home.

There are lots and lots and LOTS of threads here on TP about how to accomplish the move. If it might be helpful for you to read some, I'd be happy to post links for you. You are not the first, nor the last, person to have to do this.

I would probably do the "out to lunch" or "out to tea" method where, with the cooperation of the care home, you take him there and then have lunch or tea together before you depart. Talk to the manager and staff at the care home, because I guarantee they have done this before and will be able and very willing to help you.

If you need a reason for him not to go home, I would first try the "something is wrong with the house" stories. The boiler burst, the heating is out, the council are doing work and there is no water, the roof needs replacing, they found mold and have to fix it, the house is flooded, whatever you think will work.

You could also try the "the doctor wants you convalesce here to build up your strength" sort of story that Canary mentioned. Especially if he has any other medical conditions that he remembers, and/or if he is a person to defer to the doctor, this can be a good approach for some. Dad, the doctor is worried about that heart condition you've had trouble with and wants you to convalesce here for a while, to build up your strength.

You can even combine the stories. Anything with a personal connection or emotional tug or that will make sense, delivered in a pleasant, matter of fact but concerned way, with lots and lots of reassurance and redirection as needed.

I would just pack the essentials for a night or two, plus some personal items, and worry about taking the rest of his things and getting the room "perfect" later, if you are really on a tight time schedule and/or it will be impossible for you to remove things from his home in advance. So some changes of clothing, medications, toiletries, essentials for a couple of nights. Keep that bag out of sight.

Personal items could be a favourite blanket or duvet or throw, some photos (but make copies; more on that in a minute), that sort of thing.

You must label everything, and do not take anything you can afford to lose. Things just go missing in care homes. So don't take any photos that are the only one of your great-grandad and you haven't any copies. Make copies, and take the copies in. I put sticky labels on some things (like photo frames), use indelible markers on others (like the bottom of the laundry basket and), and label all the clothes, except socks (I can't be bothered and buy identical ones in bulk). I use a fabric marker to mark initials inside the back collar/waistband, and also on washing instruction tags. Others use iron in, sew in, or stick in (Stickins are great) labels in clothing.

Some here on TP have had success replacing actual cash with fake/play money, ordered off the Internet. You could try that, and/or you could leave him with some sum of cash, if you are okay with him losing it/hiding it/giving it away.

I also think the idea of putting keys that don't go to anything (I have a huge pile of mystery keys in my junk drawer I could send you!) on his keyring is a good one.

I am not sure about the wallet, but hope others have ideas for you. I was able to get my mother's off her when she went into hospital, and just never gave it back (and she never asked for it, to my surprise).

Again, deep breath, and please don't panic!

 

[Amy in the US]

I also wanted to say, that my mother did not want to go into her care home, and yet, she has also thrived there. It is the best thing I could have done for her, and my only regret is that I wasn't able to move her sooner. It really can work out. Remember it will be an adjustment for you, as well.

Here are some threads that might help/reassure you (or maybe not, but at least you know you're not alone):

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/d-day-was-today-for-moving-mil-for-the-care-home.106828/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...t-bed-in-a-care-home-your-tips-please.106822/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/moving-mum-into-care-home-tomorrow.102687/#post-1428513

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...practical-considerations.101218/#post-1409254

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/refusing-point-blank-to-go-out-care-home-move.94706/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/moving-to-a-care-home-practicalities.93819/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/found-our-care-home.106152/#post-1478467

Very best wishes.

 

[kindred]

All fellow feeling. I had to put my husband, love of my life for 54 years, into a nursing home because the hospital where he was recovering from a fall signed a best interest statement saying he could not be cared for at home. It took three staff to move him around and do what I was doing alone, and for 5 years. I like the idea of telling your dad it is somewhere for him to get stronger. I think you will find the care home will be very good about helping him get settled in and feeling comfortable. I realise when I visit my husband (every day, so I see a lot), that the social life in the home was really doing him such a lot of good, and that he had probably been lonely with just me and the few people who came in to see him. Please let us know how you get on, all good wishes.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi Elle. No advice I'm afraid but I can imagine just how you're feeling!! I'm certainly not looking forward to having to do this for my dad but if he gets much more confused I'll have to start looking at care homes for him.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

 

[Elle3]

Thank you @canary and @AmyintheUS for your fantastic advice. I think I was in shock as I just wasn't expecting the call to come so quickly. I think I had resigned myself to a long wait as it's only a small care home so they don't tend to have vacancies very often, unless someone chooses to leave or they pass on.

My dad is a difficult one to deal with, apart from the dementia he is very fit and well, no heart trouble, cholesterol/vitamin deficiency etc and he hates the Dr's. The only thing he has is historical arthritis in his arms/hands which he hasn't taken medication for, for such a long time now, some healing burns on his left leg due to him constantly sitting too close to an electric fire and lastly toe nail fungus and a sore toe which he is now constantly complaining about. So I'm thinking I might try and use his leg and sore feet as an excuse for him to stay there initially, as I keep telling him he needs to rest and stop going on his walks, which he agrees to but them immediately forgets, so the problem just won't go away. Telling him he has to stay there so his feet can get better might work, fingers crossed.

Now you have mentioned about the keys, I do have an old key for his back door, I had to get the lock changed last year so I could replace his key with that and I have a few spare front door keys for the lock to my house which had to be changed. If I put these on the key rings I have made for him he shouldn't notice the difference. I am going to have to be a bit more cunning though regarding his wallet. Time to count how much is in there and see if I can persuade him to let me put it somewhere safe and just leave him with a bit. Wish me luck with that one.

I have literally one change of clothing for him and a towel and flannel which I have just washed and I did purchase a laundry fabric pen a month or so ago, so I can write his name in all of those things. I keep them in a large plastic bag in my car for when I need to wash/change him, so he shouldn't think anything of me using that to take in the home with him. I think a suitcase would be suspicious. I think I can probably get a few more things out of his house on the pretense of washing them, but I think I will have to go out though and buy him some new pj's (he doesn't currently change to go to bed, if he goes to bed at all) and I need to buy him underwear as a lot of that seems to have gone walkabout, he currently likes going commando!!!

Thanks for the advice regarding the photos, he does have some photos he likes to have around him, so I will definitely have to look into scanning them and getting copies printed. He has some old army photos I framed for him which I wouldn't like to lose and photos of his wife my mum. Apart from that he isn't really attached to any other possessions, apart from his home, keys and wallet.

I have learnt over the time not to tell dad anything in advance, considering he has dementia and can forget things seconds after they have happened, he can sometimes remember and worry about things like a visitor coming for days, so now I just deal with things in the moment. So I think that's what I will have to do about taking him to the home, it will be me that will be nervous and worrying though. I think us going there to have lunch before I leave him, as he really likes his food would be a very good idea, I just hope the food is good. I will ask the Manager tomorrow if this would be possible.

I got the impression when I got the phone call that I could take dad and leave him there sooner rather than later which probably shook me up a bit if I'm honest, I kind of expected them to give me at least a weeks notice, not when can you bring him. So I think I need to definitely speak further to the care home manager and ask for her advice too on timescales.

Looks like the next week or so is going to a bit stressful, deep breaths and I hope for light at the end of the tunnel very soon.

Thanks both of you.
Elle x

 

[Elle3]

All fellow feeling. I had to put my husband, love of my life for 54 years, into a nursing home because the hospital where he was recovering from a fall signed a best interest statement saying he could not be cared for at home. It took three staff to move him around and do what I was doing alone, and for 5 years. I like the idea of telling your dad it is somewhere for him to get stronger. I think you will find the care home will be very good about helping him get settled in and feeling comfortable. I realise when I visit my husband (every day, so I see a lot), that the social life in the home was really doing him such a lot of good, and that he had probably been lonely with just me and the few people who came in to see him. Please let us know how you get on, all good wishes.

Thank you Kindred. I think initially my dad will be confused and not like being there as it will be so very different for him and hard to understand why he is there, but in the long run I think he will get the care he really needs, regular meals, sleep times and washing etc, all things I could not do for him daily and I have to admit that I think he is lonely too so I'm hoping in time he will start to get used to the place. I have my fingers crossed anyway.

I'm so glad your husband has settled into the care home.

Elle x

 

[Elle3]

Hi Elle. No advice I'm afraid but I can imagine just how you're feeling!! I'm certainly not looking forward to having to do this for my dad but if he gets much more confused I'll have to start looking at care homes for him.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

Thank you Bunpoots, it's been so hard to make this decision and even the Social worker agreed it's been a difficult decision to make as my dad just loves his own independence. However we both agreed that his safety is more important than his independence and there is only so much I could do to assist him. I know putting him into a home will be the best thing for him, I also know it will be the best thing for me too, as I've not had a holiday or break from him now for nearly 4 years.

My advice is start looking at care homes now, even if you don't need one yet. When I contacted Social Services worried about my dad and they agreed he needed to be in a home, I was mentally and emotionally prepared then but it has taken 3 months to find a home I liked and to get to this point and those initial decisions I made, I've started to question, even though I know nothing has changed and if anything it is just getting worse.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[Elle3]

I also wanted to say, that my mother did not want to go into her care home, and yet, she has also thrived there. It is the best thing I could have done for her, and my only regret is that I wasn't able to move her sooner. It really can work out. Remember it will be an adjustment for you, as well.

Here are some threads that might help/reassure you (or maybe not, but at least you know you're not alone):

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/d-day-was-today-for-moving-mil-for-the-care-home.106828/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...t-bed-in-a-care-home-your-tips-please.106822/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/moving-mum-into-care-home-tomorrow.102687/#post-1428513

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...practical-considerations.101218/#post-1409254

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/refusing-point-blank-to-go-out-care-home-move.94706/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/moving-to-a-care-home-practicalities.93819/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/found-our-care-home.106152/#post-1478467

Very best wishes.

Thank you Amy, these links have been very useful and I have written down some notes. I think I will make an appointment tomorrow to visit the home and talk to the Manager to sort out best dos and don't and what they suggest I should bring etc. Elle x

 

[Hazara8]

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

Elle, you state that your father has advanced dementia, that alone helps at these moments, because you can - if you have some time - prepare the 'white lie' approach by way of rehearsing in your own mind, what you feel is appropriate to say, as has been suggested by other contributors. The move should be,whenever possible, as calm and as 'normal' as you can make it. The practicable matters (clothing, toiletries etc) whilst clearly important, should not overwhelm you so as to impinge on the actual business of enabling the transition, without stress or incident. The Home should assist with this and whenever possible, a prior visit to the Home to clarify matters is helpful. Of course, this sounds slightly pat, but that is far from my intent. As you have no choice and that is a reality which comes to so many of us, the move has to take place. I witness varied scenarios in this respect, in the Care Home where I work - all are different. If the Staff know their jobs in respect of dementia, then you should receive both practicable and sound advice. You know your father and that means you know what might be best to utilize in terms of the 'white lie' mitigation. You may even be able to incorporate a meal at the Home together, to aid this. So much sensible advice has been offered here by others and I have no 'magic bullets' alas, but kindly permit me to say this. What you do not want is the 'emergency respite' that unfortunately was my lot, when my late mother had to enter Care. It was deeply unpleasant for all concerned, rapid, very disturbing (I had to administer a sedative myself) and something I would not wish on anyone at anytime. It will not be easy, of course. But as has been said so many times on these forums, 'things do get better' within the context of what we speak, even although at the time, that seems light years away. So, best of luck.

 

[father ted]

Elle3,
Just wanted to wish you well with your Dad's move to his new home tomorrow.

My Mum went into her new home at the beginning of this year and although I was dreading it and so of course did not sleep the night before it went very well. She has thrived there.
All the advice given so far is very helpful and I employed lots of what was advised on TP when Mum moved in.
The only thing I would add from my point of view which I keep repeating in my head when I have any doubt is:

I could no longer manage to support or help my Mum the way she needed without risk to my health and family. I am sure you have not taken the decision lightly and have spent many many months build up into considering suitable, lasting options to keep Dad safe, fed, socialised and not on his own.
I try to think of Mum's care home as her 'new home'. She is safe as opposed to being vulnerable, she is surrounded by people as opposed to being on her own, she has people helping her or encouraging her to eat,drink, participate in activities etc. You are not doing anything wrong. You have done everything right. I hope your Dad settles quickly but it may take longer, sadly, what he needs now he does not recognise but you do and you are making it happen for him. Good luck.

 

[DollyBird16]

Bless you, this is all so hard to deal with, big sqeezy hugs, to keep you going through sorting the move out.
My Mum is not in a home at this stage nevertheless I’m looking and learning.

You’ve got the love lie sorted and clothing plans, I’ve learnt from that. .
A thought on the cash, could you ask your Dad to lend you money to pay a bill or something. Then give him cash back to repay him, fivers work well with my dear Mum she thinks £20 is loads, because of the number of notes. Then a number of coins, Mum is confused by each coin but knows there is pound coin, so all coins are a version of a pound, £22 and she is minted!

I do hope all goes well, keep posting, take care of you.
Remind yourself it’s all for love and getting your Dad the best care. X

 

[Malalie]

Elle, I have read your previous posts and you and your Dad have been having such a difficult time. It's admirable that you have actually got to this stage with a Dad who thinks he is perfectly OK, and I'm glad a place in a nice care home has come up.

With MIL we had actually visited the home that we liked together twice (she was self funding too...) She said that should she ever get old that is exactly the sort of place she would like to live in. (at this time she could not cook or wash and spent all her time anguished about her husband (her son - my husband) having to leave her all the time for 'the other woman" She barricaded the doors of the house so the carers couldn't get in. The Fire and Police service all involved. In her mind she was perfectly OK and cooked and shopped and showered, etc,etc.

We used to spend our afternoons at Mum's and when she was asleep in her chair, I packed her suitcases, pictures, little bits and pieces she loved, and we turned up one day and took her to lunch at that nice place we'd been to before. We had lunch, had a bit of a walk around and then a wonderful carer took her by the arm and said - I know you have been here before but I'll show you something you've not seen ..... She happily took his arm, and trotted off with him.

And then we just legged it, and in fact went the next day on holiday for two weeks. (Despicable? I don't know.....) Lovely SIL, her daughter, although as distressed as us, waited 5 days before coming up to visit her as decided - we wanted her to settle a bit before we visited.. Was she happy - no, but she wasn't happy in her own house. She'd got down to about 6 stone before , and she became plumper and more healthy looking for sure. She did have some happy times in her new home, and so did I.

I do feel for you, and hope the move goes well, whatever excuse you can come up with......

 

[madamet]

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

 

[madamet]

The care home which had a room free for my husband to go in for respite told me to bring four changes of clothes and pyjamas as well as the usual toiletries you would take to a hotel.
I was advised to make sure that all his possessions were labelled with his name.I bought name tapes on the internet.
Do you have power of attorney? You do need that. Your social worker should be supporting you.
I typed a list of reasons for my mum when she needed to go into a home and she actually accepted them though she was very confused about other things.
All the best. It is a very difficult time.

 

[Harlech]

Elle3, my heart goes out to you, my story is that My mother passed away 5years ago now, in her 80s. We moved her into a home a few months before she died. It was the best thing for her, she liked the company (even tho family visited her several times a day when she was in her own home)it was not the same. She settled really well and was well liked. Unfortunately she had a fall which broke her hip and she did not recover, but I am certain that if this didn’t happen she would still be alive today. She had had dementia a few years and even tho we turned off the gas, so she couldn’t cook, put key safe on outside of house, etc it was her smoking which caused the most worry as she would nod off to sleep with cigarette in hand. It was extremely difficult decision to put her into the home and we ran from the home the day we took her in. Love lies got her there with my brother and I taking her for a visit and other sister bringing her things separately. The home told us to not visit for a few days and as it was snow came down and that prevented us visiting. When we did we found her really settled and we knew she was safe and had done the right thing. We felt we had done for her what she had done for us all her life - keep her safe.

My thoughts are with you as it is such a difficult time, but you are certainly doing what’s best for your dad.

I am now dealing with OH with dementia and fear there will be a time when a similar decision will need to be made.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi, About a month or so ago I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for dad going into residential care. After looking at a few nursing homes, there was one local one that stood out to me and they had a room available. However in the time it took for us to arrange for them to come out and do an assessment of dad, the room became unavailable due to an urgent respite care and another person was also added to their waiting list ahead of dad.

So as you can imagine I mentally and emotionally unprepared myself and we carried on muddling through.

Well today I have just had a call from the Nursing home to say a room has become available. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, of course I said I definitely still want the room. But I'm so unprepared.

Dad has advanced dementia and with Social Services support we have agreed he is no longer safe to be on his own in his own home. The problem is I would be placing dad in the home, against his will, he has no idea that this is going to happen and he is going to be self funding. Please could you offer me some advice on how I should deal with this? How do I get him there and leave him, what reasons/white lies do I use etc? What I would need for dad in terms of clothing, toiletries, possessions etc and how do I get all this together without dad asking questions? Dad also has a thing about money, he currently has over £200 in his wallet, so I will also need to get this off him which is very difficult, as well has his house keys which he keeps on him at all times.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have contacted the Social worker to advise her a place has become available, but I'm not sure she is going to be able to offer me much help or advice.

Thanks.
Elle

Oh Elle
I have just come back from dads and today he was unable to boil his eggs. He had the pan on the cooker with the eggs in but no water and he could not turn on his hob. Just as well I turned up I suppose. I know I have to put his name down and it needs to be today, just in case. I had not thought about the possibility that a place may actually come up and the thought that I may actually have to put him in in a home is awful.

It's horrible. I know dad would go in a home if I asked him as he is very compliant and does whatever I ask him. It's me that is not ready. I feel for you and hope your dad goes in willingly.

I hate this illness and what it does to families.

 

[Sirena]

Hi Elle, I moved my mother to a care home six weeks ago so I can understand how you're feeling. In terms of practicalities, I found the care home manager very helpful in advising what to bring initially.

My mother always said that she wanted to stay at home, but she did not have the capacity to make the decision. I have LPA, she is self funding. I didn't tell her anything about it beforehand. There were additional difficulties because it involved a 2 and a half hour drive (the CH is near where I live) and synchronising the rehoming of her cat. She hates travelling.

Obviously the white lie you use depends on what will work best for your relative. We tried to make it as 'normal' as possible. Her favourite carer arrived as usual, and told her she was going to the seaside for a few days (the seaside bit was true!), and packed a overnight bag (four days' worth of clothes, toiletries, PJs, photos and favourite soft toy). We made it sound like a treat and she was really excited about. When she arrived at the CH she was given lunch and made a fuss of. (We went back to her flat later and got the rest of her things.)

It needed a lot of organisation and seemed such a huge undertaking, but it had to be done and it has worked out well. She was unsettled and confused for the first fortnight but when I visited her a few days ago the first thing she said to me was "I love it here". I hope it works out as well for your dad.

 

[Elle3]

Elle, you state that your father has advanced dementia, that alone helps at these moments, because you can - if you have some time - prepare the 'white lie' approach by way of rehearsing in your own mind, what you feel is appropriate to say, as has been suggested by other contributors. The move should be,whenever possible, as calm and as 'normal' as you can make it. The practicable matters (clothing, toiletries etc) whilst clearly important, should not overwhelm you so as to impinge on the actual business of enabling the transition, without stress or incident. The Home should assist with this and whenever possible, a prior visit to the Home to clarify matters is helpful. Of course, this sounds slightly pat, but that is far from my intent. As you have no choice and that is a reality which comes to so many of us, the move has to take place. I witness varied scenarios in this respect, in the Care Home where I work - all are different. If the Staff know their jobs in respect of dementia, then you should receive both practicable and sound advice. You know your father and that means you know what might be best to utilize in terms of the 'white lie' mitigation. You may even be able to incorporate a meal at the Home together, to aid this. So much sensible advice has been offered here by others and I have no 'magic bullets' alas, but kindly permit me to say this. What you do not want is the 'emergency respite' that unfortunately was my lot, when my late mother had to enter Care. It was deeply unpleasant for all concerned, rapid, very disturbing (I had to administer a sedative myself) and something I would not wish on anyone at anytime. It will not be easy, of course. But as has been said so many times on these forums, 'things do get better' within the context of what we speak, even although at the time, that seems light years away. So, best of luck.

Thank you Hazara8 for your good advice and sound words. I think I have now come up with my 'white lie' which is to play on the fact he is struggling to walk at present due to sore feet/toes. He will not/can't remember to rest and not go on walks, so I'm thinking of telling him he has to stay there to get rest so his feet can get better. I visited the home today to view the room they have available for him and they have agreed that they could work with this and use it to get dad to rest and accept his stay there. We will just have to kept telling him it's for a few more days until hopefully he accepts where he is. My biggest worry is if dad gets agitated and starts to get angry and violent, he's always been a quiet, easy going man, but with a hidden temper if stirred up enough. Let's hope that doesn't happen and the memories issues work in our favour.

I do feel slightly better today, I still feel guilty naturally but I know that I am doing this for all the right reasons and I have agreed with the home, that the day I bring him will be either this Friday or on Monday, this should give me some time to get some clothes together etc. I'm favouring Friday, as weekends tend to be problematic for dad due to things not going to routine and they have said we can go and have lunch there to help settle dad in. I really hope it's easier than I think it will be.

Elle x