I don't know whether my Dad has dementia

[aquarius58]

My Dad has always been a grumpy and miserable person. My sister is his favourite child - I believe that she has a different picture of him than the rest of us.

I have moved in with my Dad to suport him.

Today he has told me that he's fed up of the conflict and that I am cruel to him. This is a total shock. I'm not aware of any conflict or cruelty.

I have told him that I can go home if he wants me to. My daughter is expecting her first child so I'm needed there too.

I don't know what else to say. I'm shocked and upset.

 

[margherita]

I have moved in with my Dad to suport him.

What are your father's main issues?
You say you do not know if he has dementia. Does that mean you have not yet started the process leading to a diagnosis?

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @aquarius58.

It could be that your dad has dementia. It is common for PWD to blame others for their own shortcomings and it's possible that your dad doesn't understand what you're doing for him.

If I were in your shoes I would be tempted to care from a distance and see how he gets on. As you say, other people also need your support and I don't think everyone else's happiness and well being should be sacrificed for one person. Dementia will take everything you offer and still want more.

I care for my dad but I couldn't live with him.

 

[aquarius58]

What are your father's main issues?
You say you do not know if he has dementia. Does that mean you have not yet started the process leading to a diagnosis?

My Dad won't go to a doctor. He's fallen and hurt himself but still won't see a doctor.

 

[aquarius58]

Hi @aquarius58.

It could be that your dad has dementia. It is common for PWD to blame others for their own shortcomings and it's possible that your dad doesn't understand what you're doing for him.

If I were in your shoes I would be tempted to care from a distance and see how he gets on. As you say, other people also need your support and I don't think everyone else's happiness and well being should be sacrificed for one person. Dementia will take everything you offer and still want more.

I care for my dad but I couldn't live with him.

I've been caring from a distance for years. It's got too much to be honest.

It's easier now - much easier.

I think he forgets that he asked me to come - I think he thinks I'm with him because I have to be.

He definitely needs the support. He can't manage on his own.

I will leave if he want me to.

 

[MaNaAk]

My Dad has always been a grumpy and miserable person. My sister is his favourite child - I believe that she has a different picture of him than the rest of us.

I have moved in with my Dad to suport him.

Today he has told me that he's fed up of the conflict and that I am cruel to him. This is a total shock. I'm not aware of any conflict or cruelty.

I have told him that I can go home if he wants me to. My daughter is expecting her first child so I'm needed there too.

I don't know what else to say. I'm shocked and upset.

Dear Aquarius,

I used my dad's other health issues to get him to a doctor and on the first visit they looked at his ears before giving him the initial memory test. Dad's ears were all blocked up and his memory test was painful for me to listen to. Anyway he was sent for a blood test and referred to the hospital. The rest is now history to me but I have to tell you that the doctor carries out bloodtests and the initial brain scan to rule out any other causes before diagnosing dementia. Deafness can make a person feel mentally isolated, anaemia affects the memory, diabetes (my dad has this) affects the memory, UTI affects the memory and as I found out last November so does low sodium. All of the above can be detected through a simple bloodtest. When dad's blood test came back showing anaemia both of us were secretly rather pleased although I told myself this doesn't rule out dementia yet. However I also thought that I have got professionals in who are going to help us with our problems.

I f it is dementia you will find that you have to come to terms with the diagnosis and many upsetting situations on the way but because you love your dad you will find the strength to deal with because you will tell yourself that you are doing your best for your dad. I am living with my dad's Alzheimers and while it is very difficult I am also creating memories for him and two years after diagnosis I am making sure that I still do somethings for myself with the help of carers and occasionally siblings who are invisible when they want to be with one of them saying that my staying at home is partly responsible for dad's Alzheimers. Other than this my siblings are very grateful for all I have done for dad and I realise that they couldn't really do this job!

It is because of me that dad remembers them and that he is reasonably healthy. I have had to develop a very thick skin which is what your going to have to do as well as focus on your grandchild.

Love and hugs

MaNaAk

 

[myss]

Hi Aquarius, if your dad has dementia, the turning or blaming you for something that isn't linked to you is not uncommon. My dad had asked me one morning why am I being nice to him and, when my son stepped in to back me up, said that he was bound to say that as he's my son. No idea where he got the thought that I'm usually nasty to him from, at the time I was serving him his breakfast which he ate up in full.
By the afternoon when he, I and some others went to his GP for a routine appointment, he picked me out as his favourite. I didn't say a word but was gobsmacked!

It's so so easy to say don't take it to heart because sometimes I still do at first - I'm human after all - but I do my best not to act on it as it's not him who is saying this, it's the illness.

Dear Aquarius,

I used my dad's other health issues to get him to a doctor and on the first visit they looked at his ears before giving him the initial memory test.

That's a great idea. Even if there's no other health issues, be tactful and say something it's a blood test for his insurance/benefits/etc.