Going Out (Not)

[Monkton]

My daring Chrissie died on 12th March this year and I know early days and have been given much advice on this site, for which I am thankful. There is a further development which is odd, at least for me. Of course I still have the tears and miss her dreadfully. I would do anything for her to still be alive, but it is not to be. Sorry, going off at a tangent.

I have always been keen on travel. Next town, next village, next county, wherever. Just enjoyed getting out. But now I am having a real struggle getting out of the street door. All I want is to sit indoors and am having to force myself to go out because I know I need to.

Does this happen to other people once grief sets in. Or is it another sign I should be on the Funny Farm? I have never been like this, the opposite in fact, would always try and take my Lovely Chrissie out. I suppose it is because she is not there and so I think, "what is the point?"

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Monkton, that can be a sign of grief/depression which would not be a surprise given your recent loss. If it continues maybe a quick word with the GP could result in a short course of meds of some counselling that would help you at this difficult time

 

[Amethyst59]

Everything is going to feel odd, because you have never done this before! I was given some advice...accept every invitation. Maybe going out with your family, or to your church services, you normally attend, will be enough at the moment. It is still very early days...

 

[100 miles]

Dear Monkton,

First of all my condolences. I expect you are feeling numb with shock and tiredness. It has been less than 3 weeks since Chrissie died. If you manage to get dressed and eat some food you are coping well.

I am like you and value fresh air and a walk every day. I get cranky if I stay inside too long. But the weather has been rubbish and the outside world isn't hugely tempting at the moment. Is there a small task you can set yourself every day - say buying a paper - to make sure you don't turn into a hermit. The wider world will still be there in a year or two when you get itchy feet.

Are you worried about bumping into people for the first time and having to talk to them? A couple of pre-prepared stock replies may help you.

Be kind to yourself and do whatever feels right. Take one day at a time.

Best wishes

100 miles

 

[canary]

I have never been like this, the opposite in fact, would always try and take my Lovely Chrissie out. I suppose it is because she is not there and so I think, "what is the point?"

I think that is your answer.
Its grief

Everyone grieves in different ways. Mum died last year and I have just "woken up" to gardening again. Your travelling will come back.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you for the replies.
I sometimes feel I am teetering on the edge. If I accept my Chrissie is gone forever I will totally loose my mind. The going out thing is just another aspect of this.I really don't think It would take much to push me over the edge at the moment and part of me thinks that would be a good idea. But I know my Chrissie would not want that, so I try to go on day by day. Her wish was that we both die the same day. How I wish that had happened. But not to be. Yes, 6ft and 18 stone, supposed to be tough as old nails and weeping like a baby again. Sorry folks.

 

[Hazara8]

My daring Chrissie died on 12th March this year and I know early days and have been given much advice on this site, for which I am thankful. There is a further development which is odd, at least for me. Of course I still have the tears and miss her dreadfully. I would do anything for her to still be alive, but it is not to be. Sorry, going off at a tangent.

I have always been keen on travel. Next town, next village, next county, wherever. Just enjoyed getting out. But now I am having a real struggle getting out of the street door. All I want is to sit indoors and am having to force myself to go out because I know I need to.

Does this happen to other people once grief sets in. Or is it another sign I should be on the Funny Farm? I have never been like this, the opposite in fact, would always try and take my Lovely Chrissie out. I suppose it is because she is not there and so I think, "what is the point?"

I recall very clearly, my late mother's reluctance to visit the haunts she and father had so frequently visited during their sixty odd years marriage, after he died. In fact she never went back to a particular place, which was the last place they had been prior to his death. In a way, travel, recreation, any form of 'pleasure' can be seen as something unimportant or 'pointless whilst you carry the memory of the one who has been such a profound part of your life, with you. The hills and mountains remained the same, but the association with them,i.e. my father, was too painful, owing to his absence. Nevertheless, it is important simply for general health, to get out and breathe fresh air, escape the confines of the house and return refreshed, albeit still within the 'muddled' domain of grief, which is a very individual animal by nature and at times, unremitting. You will know when you feel able to travel again and for all the right reasons. In the meantime, open that street door for all the 'positive' reasons. Yourself.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband died on January 16th. Apart from his funeral, and eye surgery in London, I didn't go out until March 14th.

This is because I didn't want to meet neighbours and have to accept their sympathy.

Then I began to venture out slowly , slowly.

We can take our time. There's no hurry

 

[pins tony]

My lovely wife June di

 

[LadyA]

I've found my home became like a security blanket. I didn't/don't want to leave it. I do now leave it, but in the early weeks/months after my husband's death, I only left when I had to. Three weeks after he died, there was a, not quite a party, but an afternoon/early evening gathering at my brother's house. The family obviously knew William had died, but not all the other guests did, so no one mentioned it, which was best, and although I just wanted to escape from the time I arrived, I was coping. Until a guest arrived who had heard about his death, and said "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband." which triggered lots of shocked looks among the other guests, and gasps of "Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't know! When did he die?" etc. and I had to leave. I didn't go to anything else for a long time. Over a year. And even now, 2 1/2 years later, I still much prefer to be at home. I find it very comforting.

 

[Monkton]

Thank you LadyA, you have described what I feel. People with very kind intentions have asked me to go on holiday with them. Very nice of them to ask, but the last thing I want at the moment is to leave the house when I don't need to. It seems hard for people who have not been in this position to understand. But when you have cared for someone you love who has dementia, you loose them twice. Once when the dementia gets a grip then physically when they die.That is very hard to accept and deal with.

 

[Hazara8]

Thank you LadyA, you have described what I feel. People with very kind intentions have asked me to go on holiday with them. Very nice of them to ask, but the last thing I want at the moment is to leave the house when I don't need to. It seems hard for people who have not been in this position to understand. But when you have cared for someone you love who has dementia, you loose them twice. Once when the dementia gets a grip then physically when they die.That is very hard to accept and deal with.

Your words here change what I set down earlier in respect of a "struggle getting out of the street door", simply due to your expressing what you have clearly been through in respect of "dementia, you loose them twice". Now I understand. And you are quite right. The enormity of that journey is alas, lost on even those very close to you, family included. Frankly, it is nigh on impossible for anyone to understand unless they have taken that journey. Of course, people have good intentions and perceive often, the scenario which accompanies bereavement of a loved one requiring that goodwill and intent. But the 'double bereavement' you cite compounds the loss in a way which is, at times, almost impossible to bear. The 'caring' alone throughout the progress of dementia draws upon every reserve in your mind and body. The eventual and inevitable physical loss, presents as something both unreal and so powerful emotionally, that the confines of the house enable and sustain sanity, despite the very real and painful despair. Yes, I understand entirely why you do not wish to leave the house at present. Whilst it is important to try and maintain one's general health and well being, only YOU will know when that moment comes to open the door and take a walk, on your own terms and feel 'safe' doing so. And that time will come. I send my warmest wishes.