My husband has had dementia for about 6 years now. He is still all right on his own for the morning and I belong to various groups such as WI and sewing groups. Yesterday I had a lovely morning shopping with a friend followed by lunch. I normally leave something easy for my husband to eat if I'm going to be out that long but he never eats it. I feel as though .Maybe I shouldn't go out but stay here with him. My daughter thinks I should continue to go out and my GP said I should keep up with my own things. However I spoke to someone at the local Carer's centre who made me feel awful for wanting to go out to lunch and so on. I think I will have to be stop going out at some point unless I can find some care. What do other Carers think?
Am I selfish?
- Thread starter Watchbattery
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Carry on going out!
Don't listen or pay any attention to what the other carer said at that support group.
Caring is very isolating and lonely. It sounds as if the carer that said that to you is very lonely and isolated and maybe a little jealous that you have managed to hold on to so many of your outside interests which is so important.
Your husband doesn't mind you going, he is in no danger, your daughter supports you so keep going.
One day things will change and you may not be able to go so enjoy it while you can.
Don't listen or pay any attention to what the other carer said at that support group.
Caring is very isolating and lonely. It sounds as if the carer that said that to you is very lonely and isolated and maybe a little jealous that you have managed to hold on to so many of your outside interests which is so important.
Your husband doesn't mind you going, he is in no danger, your daughter supports you so keep going.
One day things will change and you may not be able to go so enjoy it while you can.
Please don't stop...keep doing things as long as you are able and your OH needs allow. The carer should have encouraged you not put doubts in your mind.
You should definitely continue going out but there will come a time where it's not safe to leave him on his own anymore and then you will have to look into carers or befrienders. To be honest, it can't hurt to introduce these things early to get him used to it. My OH used to go to the Day Centre and have a sitter for 10 hours a week, and he loved the attention, plus it gave me peace of mind that nothing could happen to him.
100% keep going
You read many stories on here where the pwd dies and people feel so lost, but if you keep part of your own life going you will then be able to build on that and mayb not feel that extream loss.
Mayb start Resbite and have whole day out with your friend, wouldn’t that be wonderful
You read many stories on here where the pwd dies and people feel so lost, but if you keep part of your own life going you will then be able to build on that and mayb not feel that extream loss.
Mayb start Resbite and have whole day out with your friend, wouldn’t that be wonderful
Dementia can close around you like a fog in which nothing can be seen other than dementia. Make the most of your ‘me’ time before that time arrives. I am fighting tooth and claw to hold onto my ‘own’ life and I’m not as long as you into the dementia journey.
It’s important for carers to stay well both physically and mentally so that they can care for their loved ones and being socially active is an important part of staying well.
It’s important for carers to stay well both physically and mentally so that they can care for their loved ones and being socially active is an important part of staying well.
Absolutely NOT! If you are to be able to continue in your caring role you NEED time to yourself - to do the normal things with YOUR network - dementia robs us of so much without taking away your sense of yourself and your friends. You are going to need those people in time. For another carer to suggest that you should not is just horrible. My husband is 6 years into his journey as well - he too can be left for short periods - and HE tells me to go out, to do the ordinary stuff with my friends. TBH being a carer is not always fulfilling, it is not always rewarding and I have no wish to become a martyr - selfish?? Maybe - I prefer to think of it as vital to both of us - keeping me healthy helps to keep my husband healthy. And while I think of it - each dementia journey is unique - we all do it the best way we can - some find it easier than others - but that is just called being human. Nobody is really in a position to judge another in this. Take care!
Your husbands needs far outweigh your own. You should give up all interests and just dedicate all your energy on making sure he is happy and all his needs are met. Yours are not anymore as you are now a career. When put like this it is obvious how silly it would be to give up being you and fulfilling your needs. When my mum became unwell and she lost all empathy and consideration for others and all me me me the social services said her needs are more important than my own. It gutted me but made me see that if I had listened to them I would have resented my mum. You have to care for yourself before you can give care for others effectively.
Don't give up on your own life, even if you just do small things. My lunches with friends, shopping treats, etc., keep me in touch with 'normality'. Whoever made that statement to you either has no idea of the long term effect of caring for a PWD or is just a bit foolish. If it was another carer, then they are heading down a dark path! You absolutely cannot do this 24/7 without some time out. Keep at it. Ignore daft remarks like that!
I can't leave mum alone now for her own safety, but have carers who help me with the caring tasks, and also sit with her. It's all doable, with some planning.
I can't leave mum alone now for her own safety, but have carers who help me with the caring tasks, and also sit with her. It's all doable, with some planning.
I didn’t even need to read the replies to know what they all say and I totally agree with them. You must continue to look after yourself and that will surely in turn make you a better carer for your husband. Especially as your husband encourages you to go out. Life is for living, so enjoy every bit that you can x
