Hello again, I have been too defeated to post on here for some time but consistently you as a group have more wisdom about dementia than I have found anywhere else, including specialists and professionals.
I cannot believe I have been posting on here on and off since 2012. I have two parents with dementia, determined to live together in their own home, 4x a day care package for both of them. There is a long history of violence and aggression from my dad (now 85) which has seen him before magistrates for violence twice in the past 3-4 years, and separated by the courts from mum for 2 years. Seven court appearances, costs over £10,000. Mum (83) has very poor mobility, constant pain and is blind in one eye, as well as Addenbrooke's score of 13/29 at last assessment.
In October last year they moved back in together as the courts were not prepared to deprive him of his home for any longer and mum was not prepared to move out. I was despairing at this decision but powerless. She said she was lonely without him. In January she was in A&E with two black eyes, a bruised nose and cut lips, bruising to the backs of her hands and shins. She insists she fell. When I heard in February that he was trying to pull the stair lift off the wall I called the duty desk and we arranged an emergency week's placement in a local care home. I took her, they tried to persuade her (very hard sell). In a funny way I was kind of impressed at her strength of will. She insisted she was not going - showed off her wedding ring and said younger people don't know what this means. She was very angry with me.
In the latest incident, just yesterday, dad is reported to have pushed a carer over, she hit her head, went to hospital and will be off work for some time. I suspect this may be related to the clocks going forward and her being an 'hour early'. The carer, who I know well and is a sweet and gentle person who would not have provoked anything, is making a statement to Police. Mum told me about the incident herself, seeming angry with me, 'you were right, weren't you' as if that should make me happy. Then the care agency told me the full story. He kicked her before he pushed her, and when she fell she blacked out. Neither of them thought to call an ambulance for her.
If Police charge him, this will be our fifth consecutive summer in court.
Back in 2012, I wasn't sure it was dementia. Now at least I know the name of the illness for sure. Both of my parents both have a diagnosis now, although my dad is very fluctuant and will angrily insist he has 'been cleared by the highest psychiatrists in the land' (he hasn't, but because his Addenbrookes went up over a 6 month period they signed him off). He is consistently violent and abusive, to my mum and to the carers. Not so much to me lately although he was last week. Safeguarding inquiries are into double figures but this is still where we are.
So my question to you is, does anybody know whether the local authority have a legal obligation to keep brokering their care? I have already told them I will not employ PAs for three reasons.
One, it would take at least four PAs to cover 4 calls a day, 52 weeks a year, and I could not arrange cover every time someone goes sick. I am fifty miles away and still work full time running a counselling centre plus doing 15-20 appointments a week.
Two, I do not think this could be achieved within the approx. £2000 a month they spend on care (they are still fully funding and it takes all of their pensions and attendance allowance plus some savings).
Three, my father would be just as violent and aggressive with PAs as he is with everybody else. Care agencies are better placed to deal with this.
I have given up asking whether anybody has been in a similar situation - this seems to be a special area of dementia hell made just for me, although I know your own special areas are just as hard - But I am just wondering, if the local authority just withdraw support, do I have anywhere else to go?
For the first time in over ten years, I will not be calling them today.
I cannot believe I have been posting on here on and off since 2012. I have two parents with dementia, determined to live together in their own home, 4x a day care package for both of them. There is a long history of violence and aggression from my dad (now 85) which has seen him before magistrates for violence twice in the past 3-4 years, and separated by the courts from mum for 2 years. Seven court appearances, costs over £10,000. Mum (83) has very poor mobility, constant pain and is blind in one eye, as well as Addenbrooke's score of 13/29 at last assessment.
In October last year they moved back in together as the courts were not prepared to deprive him of his home for any longer and mum was not prepared to move out. I was despairing at this decision but powerless. She said she was lonely without him. In January she was in A&E with two black eyes, a bruised nose and cut lips, bruising to the backs of her hands and shins. She insists she fell. When I heard in February that he was trying to pull the stair lift off the wall I called the duty desk and we arranged an emergency week's placement in a local care home. I took her, they tried to persuade her (very hard sell). In a funny way I was kind of impressed at her strength of will. She insisted she was not going - showed off her wedding ring and said younger people don't know what this means. She was very angry with me.
In the latest incident, just yesterday, dad is reported to have pushed a carer over, she hit her head, went to hospital and will be off work for some time. I suspect this may be related to the clocks going forward and her being an 'hour early'. The carer, who I know well and is a sweet and gentle person who would not have provoked anything, is making a statement to Police. Mum told me about the incident herself, seeming angry with me, 'you were right, weren't you' as if that should make me happy. Then the care agency told me the full story. He kicked her before he pushed her, and when she fell she blacked out. Neither of them thought to call an ambulance for her.
If Police charge him, this will be our fifth consecutive summer in court.
Back in 2012, I wasn't sure it was dementia. Now at least I know the name of the illness for sure. Both of my parents both have a diagnosis now, although my dad is very fluctuant and will angrily insist he has 'been cleared by the highest psychiatrists in the land' (he hasn't, but because his Addenbrookes went up over a 6 month period they signed him off). He is consistently violent and abusive, to my mum and to the carers. Not so much to me lately although he was last week. Safeguarding inquiries are into double figures but this is still where we are.
So my question to you is, does anybody know whether the local authority have a legal obligation to keep brokering their care? I have already told them I will not employ PAs for three reasons.
One, it would take at least four PAs to cover 4 calls a day, 52 weeks a year, and I could not arrange cover every time someone goes sick. I am fifty miles away and still work full time running a counselling centre plus doing 15-20 appointments a week.
Two, I do not think this could be achieved within the approx. £2000 a month they spend on care (they are still fully funding and it takes all of their pensions and attendance allowance plus some savings).
Three, my father would be just as violent and aggressive with PAs as he is with everybody else. Care agencies are better placed to deal with this.
I have given up asking whether anybody has been in a similar situation - this seems to be a special area of dementia hell made just for me, although I know your own special areas are just as hard - But I am just wondering, if the local authority just withdraw support, do I have anywhere else to go?
For the first time in over ten years, I will not be calling them today.
