My mum has vascular dementia ( numerous TIAs plus mobility issues)on the verge of late stage. I care for her in my home with the support of my partner in the evenings. When is it time to say enough is enough. I am really struggling with all the emotions - anger frustration trapped exhaustion anxiety etc etc. We do have some help with cleaning and have just started having a sitter on a wednesday night.
When is the right time to consider a nursing home (she would hate it) Or do I get extra care in . Is there anyone I can talk to about options. She has no regular medical support - I feel like they have written her off. Thank you
All I can tell you is from my experience and I hope it helps you.
We looked after my mum after my dad died last August in our home, myself and later on on retirement, my husband.
It was difficult, more difficult than we could ever have imagined.
We became different people and our relationship changed from husband and wife to carers 24/7.
We were exhausted.
Mum was becoming bored and needed outside interests. These came in the form of day care at a nearby care home.
My mum, who never really mixed or went to clubs etc, loved it.
My mum who was claustrophobic gladly got on the mini bus that collected her and fetched her back.
Sadly, for us that was not enough. Whatever we did we had to be back in time for her return. The nights were terrible and it was just one long round of focusing on Mum, but not Mum as she was. Mum has Alzheimer's and Alzheimer's has my mum.
Four weeks ago mum went into the care home where the day centre is. We told her she was going on holiday (love lie) and for the first ten days she was fine although not sleeping still. The care home have been brilliant, they've sorted out mums meds and for the last week she has been sleeping, she is on a tablet to help her anxiety, not a sleeping tablet. She looks well and rested. After the ten days she did get tearful on visits and wanted to come home but that passed. She joins in with all of the activities and there are photos to prove it. Yes, she wanders but that is the nature of the beast. She's safe, warm and fed. She asks where my dad is, when is she coming home etc and this is where my love lies come into play.
My mum always said to me over the years that she never wanted to go into home and I promised her she wouldn't. Circumstances change. She is on holiday and she's happy as she can be. If we had carried on all three of us we would have all become ill and then be no good to anyone.
I'm not saying it's easy, it's not and the guilt and worry is always there but all you can do is your best.
You have a right to your life too. Good luck x