Can I ... Should I?

DollyBird16

Registered User
Sep 5, 2017
1,185
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Greater London
To be honest @DollyBird16 I was feeling fine, but he started asking questions & I cracked. He kept asking & it just came out. It’s like there was a tiny crack & he pulled it open. Even just that one 45 minutes chat made me feel less of a failure
Oh no, you most definitely are NOT a failure. Please don’t say that.
It does just make such a difference to say it out loud to someone independent.
Have next steps been arranged? X
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
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East Sussex
Ugg. I just woke up. This afternoon napping is not good for me. I feel awful. More coffee required

It’s been 2.5 days since I held my hands up & told mum I can’t fight her. I think she’s being selfish & her decisions are wrong, but I’m too tired to keep trying to make her use the zimmer. She is making that decision. I think it’s a bad decision but it’s her decision. Sure I’ve made a few comments “ nice zimmer you’re not using” etc, but mostly I’ve turned & walked out.

She refused to eat last night & I had no energy to force the issue, so we skipped dinner. I had a handful (or 20) of nuts lol

L the Physio side kick turned up today. I wasn’t up to playing nice with the visitor. I told her Mum is refusing to use the zimmer & I’ve given up the fight. She wants to make bad decisions, she will, fall sooner or later, but she is making that decision ... over to you & I walked out the room & shut the door

40 minutes later, she knocked on the door & asked me to join them. She repeated Mum is only to use the stick when someone is in the room. Mum was glaring at me. Told her Sam is just trying to keep you safe. More glaring. Seems Mum can’t even keep up the nice in front of others now. At least it’s been seen.

I get on with hanging washing, clearing things away. Mum puts out her hand & says “sorry, I’ve been horrid”. :eek:

Well, I sat down & she held my hand. We’ve had promises of being good etc. She probably just wants a full belly tonight but at least she said she will use the zimmer & the glaring & huffing stopped

Of course I’ve woken to see the zimmer planted at the end of the room, mums off upstairs & the stick is lying at the bottom of the stairs.

That promise didn’t last long :rolleyes:
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Hi @Norfolk Cherry

I think it’s not having too many good things to think of when Mum is being “not nice”. Memories of her attitude are not helpful & seeing her disdain is a reminder of just how our childhood was. We were just building a really good adult relationship when Alzheimers slammed in the door.

I have to go away. Literally, for my sanity. I’m going. It’s costing a fortune, so I’m not going to spend it fretting about Mum. She will have to cope. She has a son. He will have to deal. (Still not confirmed my return flight lol)
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Hi @DollyBird16

I hate the lack of control. I have a wicked temper & learnt to control it at an early age. I’m hanging onto it, but feel it slipping, it things like that, not keeping on top of the house, forgetting half the shopping that make me feel I’m failing. Talking to someone out loud, who said they were not at all surprised, that helped

I’m waiting for dates of what is available.

I’m trying to control what I can. Cleared a wardrobe yesterday. Cleared away some paperwork. Each thing is a visual thing I can look at & see I’ve achieved something. It’s helping.
 

Margi29

Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
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Yorkshire
You've reminded me, one wardrobe in my bedroom is full various sizes of clothes, not worn for ages !!
I think today they are referred to as ' retro ' :eek::D

It's a case of the good , bad and the ugly clothes. In fact I'm sure there are some things from last century, never mind last year, so I've been prompted by you to get my backside moving and motivated into a clear out x
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
Hi @Sam Luvit, good that you were building a better relationship with her, but you are right to put your sanity first! Everyone will have to cope Sam, there are people out there with far less support who get by. That feeling of going under and being out of control is so depressing. I feel like my mum's life, her house, her clothes, her leisure time, her happiness has become more important to me than mine, def time to get some parts of my life back I reckon! Having said that, I get time out as I don't live with her, so I definitely feel for you. Anyway, you're no way a failure, just reading back your thread shows how strong a person you are.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
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East Sussex
I cleared so much before moving in with Mum, but it was a frantic scan & chuck clear out. This was pull out everything & bin everything I’m not likely to wear again. I have kept a couple of dresses I’ll probabky not wear, but they have such memories I couldn’t do it yet.

I’ll have to work on the boxes under my bed soon. Although most of that I do use, sewing, ancestry research, I built boxes & out castors on so I can slide them in & out. I think the make up can probably be junked ... it’s not been touched for 3 years lol
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
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South coast of England
Evening all,

Sam, you are certainly not a failure. The truth is that the 'system' is failing you :(

It must be particularly hard to see your relationship with your mum slipping back to 'the bad old days'. One more thing that the dementia has stolen :mad:

Sending more squishy (((hugs))).
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
I’m afraid telling everyone to get on with it without me is what I’ve got to do @Norfolk Cherry I keep telling myself, there are people surviving with 3 half hour calls a day, Mum will get more than that. It has to be enough

The counsellor assessment asked what I wanted to be able to do ... pick I film I want to watch, take a long bath, go for a walk. Not much really. Just to control a little of my life.

Lol, the only strong thing about me right now is me after a fast walk with pooch
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Evening @Slugsta

The system fails us all, our loved ones, us carers, our friends & families. I can see what I need for Mum, what might help her & so many others, I even looked at trying to set something up, in fact I’m going to try again along with someone else. The trouble is, you get sucked into just getting through the days & there is nothing left to draw on to sort anything out.

It is hard seeing Mum & I slipping back to her constant critism & my numbness. I had built a solid wall round my heart, I pulled it down & tried one more time. We laughed. We talked. We did things together, she came to stay with me & helped with my house, supported me through my spinal Op. I hate that that has gone. The wall I’d built is scattered & it hurts when she’s scowling & glaring & telling me I’m her jailor & she should just die rather than be here with me.

Tomorrow we will try day care, that’s the plan. I have told her she has to give it a go. We were going today, but between Physio & her temper tantrums, I was so tired, I sat in the lounge & crashed out for a few hours. Nothing on tomorrow so we will try to get there

One day we might all get to share these hugs :cool:
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
I stayed up far to late last night, only trundling off to bed because it was after 03.00 & it was time rather than tiredness that made me go

Woke at 06.20 & refused to get up. As soon as Mum hears me up, she gets up & sits in the bathroom. Just couldn’t face that argument today. Naturally a neighbour came round about 09.00, so while I’m being talked at, Mum got up & I had to tell her to go back to bed, it’s too early for the Carer. I sure don’t want her sitting getting cold or deciding to do herself.

I get the feeling today will be a long day. It feels long already & the Carer has just arrived. At least the sun is shining. I now have to walk pooch, sort breakfast, load the machine etc, before I can get in the bathroom myself

The news is full of “the beast from the east 3” expected at the end of next week. I’ll admit to stressing about how to get to the airport if it really does snow again.
 
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Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Morning all,

Sam, I'm not surprised you are stressing about the predicted snow. In your situation, I would pretty much kill to get to the airport! Here's hoping the dire warnings are unduly pessimistic.

My BFF is away for a week or so and I have taken over phone support of their son (who is suffering badly with depression). This mainly involves several calls each morning to make sure he is up and in work and just being generally available so that he knows he has not been abandoned. So it is hardly onerous and all parties are embarrassingly grateful. I am all too aware that this is in stark contrast to the situation many of you are in :(

Hugs to all.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Morning @Slugsta

Getting to Gatwick is relatively easy, a taxi is £60 while the train (without any discount) is £30. It’s 1.5 hours & the train is straight through. However, to save over £200 I fly out of Luton. Yuk. Awful to drive to, I think it’s 2 changes by train & a taxi was around £150, not to mention at least 3 hours travel. Oh to have enough cash not to worry about saving a bit.

So few people understand depression, a call or text can make such a difference. I have a friend, or a few really, who struggle at times. They are also embarrassingly grateful for human contact at those times. It can be a joke, a photo of a sunrise or just “Hi”, but it means someone is thinking about them. Like you say, it’s hardly difficult to fit into our lives, but it means so much. I’m sure your BFF is very grateful to you. o_O
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
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South coast of England
BFF also suffers from depression, is on life-long tablets, she really needs this holiday. Maybe not quite as much as you, but it would be me picking up the pieces if she had not been able to go, so this seems best all round!
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
I’m feeling much calmer, I know it’s a plaster on a gaping hole, but I do feel more control. I’ve been walking pooch further, it’s not shifting much weight, but I’m feeling better for it

The holiday will be nice, though it doesn’t feel as much of a life line as it did last week. More of a lilo on a pool lol. So that’s good.

I’m feeling crammed in by stuff, so I’m trying to sort out & charity shop dump. I think that will help too. I guess I’m trying to control what I can & trying to offload what I can’t.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
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West Midlands
I take my eye off you for a couple of nights and what do you do??? Go to bed at 3am!!

Slapped wrist! xxxxxx

Need to properly catch up but fingers and everything crossed that you get to your holiday without too much travel hassle.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Well, I have good news & frustating news

We went to day care. Mum said it seemed nice. She’s going to go next week. Yiiiiiippppppeeeeeee!!!!

Any suggestions in finding the remote for the breakfast room TV?
 

DollyBird16

Registered User
Sep 5, 2017
1,185
0
Greater London
Ah, the remote control one, did you try in the handbag at the back of the wardrobe?
Check in the drawer wrapped in tissue, it’ll be easy to see because of all the elastic bands wrapped around it.

Early night for you tonight I think. X
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
Daycare heaven, now you can really look forward to going away because there's hope for some me time when you get back. You're rocking it Sam Luvit.