Oh no here we go again!

[silver star]

Sorry in advance for length of this post, must admit I feel a little better for doing it.
Second sentence of the day with M.I.L, and I've nearly completely said "nasty" things. Yes I know she can't help it but, I am not a particularly patient, when I am in ill health and exhausted.
I have a lot of experience of caring and nurturing, as my husband and I adopted to sisters, one with moderate learning and challenging behavioural issues, and one who is severely learning disabled, physical disabilities, no speach and a whole host of medical problems. Luckily the eldest can live independently, works hard, plays hard, still is a challenge. Lol. Youngest who is 28 had to move out into firstly residential care and then supported living 9 years ago, because of my ill health, I still am her appointee and have all the fun of dealing with Care Company, Day Services, Hospital and Social Services! so you would think caring for M.I.L Would not be so challenging. Unfortunately, I am resentful, and very angry. Mourning the loss of my life, even though I didn't have much of one to start with. What has really started me off today is....... Mum thinks we throw the contents of commode onto garden!!!! she was worried because she had put toilet paper into the bowl. She has always been obsessive about hygiene, and everything being spotless, me not so. However I do have issues, with her blowing her nose and then wiping the table with the tissue, picking dropped food off of a cafe table and eating it, and now this belief that the commode gets emptied on the garden.

 

[carolynp]

Sorry in advance for length of this post, must admit I feel a little better for doing it.
Second sentence of the day with M.I.L, and I've nearly completely said "nasty" things. Yes I know she can't help it but, I am not a particularly patient, when I am in ill health and exhausted.
I have a lot of experience of caring and nurturing, as my husband and I adopted to sisters, one with moderate learning and challenging behavioural issues, and one who is severely learning disabled, physical disabilities, no speach and a whole host of medical problems. Luckily the eldest can live independently, works hard, plays hard, still is a challenge. Lol. Youngest who is 28 had to move out into firstly residential care and then supported living 9 years ago, because of my ill health, I still am her appointee and have all the fun of dealing with Care Company, Day Services, Hospital and Social Services! so you would think caring for M.I.L Would not be so challenging. Unfortunately, I am resentful, and very angry. Mourning the loss of my life, even though I didn't have much of one to start with. What has really started me off today is....... Mum thinks we throw the contents of commode onto garden!!!! she was worried because she had put toilet paper into the bowl. She has always been obsessive about hygiene, and everything being spotless, me not so. However I do have issues, with her blowing her nose and then wiping the table with the tissue, picking dropped food off of a cafe table and eating it, and now this belief that the commode gets emptied on the garden.

Oh poor you what an awful, awful time you're having. I can't believe it about the commode! I'd say, Enough to try the patience of a saint - but we are well beyond that point aren't we?! And you already have sainthood status anyway.

I wonder if - regarding your feelings of anger and resentment re your MIL - it's partly because there is less choice - with your girls, I mean, you chose to adopt them, whereas she you are stuck with. And they are young, and (at least in one case) feisty: one can't help but admire and enjoy that.

I don't know what to say: You have far too much on your plate and as you say there is all the glorious (not!) admin with your youngest. I had one disabled child and that was more than enough for a lifetime. I can't imagine two!

I just wanted to wish you all the very best, as you say, one does feel better for posting and I hope the slightly less burdened sensation stays with you for the rest of the day at least.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @silver star, that is a lot to contend with. In my case it’s my wife who has Alzheimer’s and I’ve noticed that she has developed a couple of cringeworthy habits concerning hygiene too. I’ve just had to learn to try not to look too closely then clean up behind her! I don’t have to deal with a commode though!

With regard to communication in an easier frame of mind I found this thread useful and it may be worth a read if you haven't seen it already
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[father ted]

Silver Star,

Have a good old rant! You have an awful OT on your plate. Similar to you and Carolynp, I have a disabled daughter of a similar age that lives with me and whilst my Mum was living with me I found the issues around eating hard. Anything with a chewy skin or something she couldn't digest were taken out of her mouth and if a plate not handy would be flicked on the floor so around where she sat were tomatoe skins, sausage skins or pieces of meat. But she would do it surreptiously thinking I wouldn't see and then deny she did it which made me really mad. Had it been an unconscious act I could have tolerated it.

No answers I'm afraid. Does MIL go to day care/respite or have sitters so you can get away for a few hours?
We all need a break and a regular one not just from time to time. Best wishes.

 

[silver star]

Silver Star,

Have a good old rant! You have an awful OT on your plate. Similar to you and Carolynp, I have a disabled daughter of a similar age that lives with me and whilst my Mum was living with me I found the issues around eating hard. Anything with a chewy skin or something she couldn't digest were taken out of her mouth and if a plate not handy would be flicked on the floor so around where she sat were tomatoe skins, sausage skins or pieces of meat. But she would do it surreptiously thinking I wouldn't see and then deny she did it which made me really mad. Had it been an unconscious act I could have tolerated it.

No answers I'm afraid. Does MIL go to day care/respite or have sitters so you can get away for a few hours?
We all need a break and a regular one not just from time to time. Best wishes.

 

[silver star]

Hi Father Ted, We do have a carer to come in for half an hour in morning to get Mum Washed and dressed. No day service. even when I could manage to get her in the car, she wouldn't go to an Dementia Cafe. said "I don't want to know what will happen to me." Have a lady to help me with cleaning and occasion sit with Mum, but she is a full time carer for an Agency, so we have to make the most of what we can get. Hubby was offered early retirement, is a postie, last August, we thought we would have sometime to ourselves,. but that got shelved, then it reared its head before Christmas, then it was going to be mid February, then it was 25th March, now they don't know if it is going to happen at all again. then there is the "new" neighbours who 2 years ago, claimed we have part of their garden. we have been here 14 years, their property on a piece of land which was sold, means we won't be able to get our car or trailer in front of our property, we do have 180 ft narrow drive. all went quiet then 5 weeks ago informed their solicitor has said we can't purchase the small triangle of land, so they are putting up a fence! Oh and just to add to it, because hubby was off off work through stress for 3 weeks he has been put on a stage 1 warning. Will take a look at the link. also discovered I had taken this morning meds last night, hence me not getting any sleep. Take care

 

[silver star]

Hello @silver star, that is a lot to contend with. In my case it’s my wife who has Alzheimer’s and I’ve noticed that she has developed a couple of cringeworthy habits concerning hygiene too. I’ve just had to learn to try not to look too closely then clean up behind her! I don’t have to deal with a commode though!

With regard to communication in an easier frame of mind I found this thread useful and it may be worth a read if you haven't seen it already
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Hi Father Ted, We do have a carer to come in for half an hour in morning to get Mum Washed and dressed. No day service. even when I could manage to get her in the car, she wouldn't go to an Dementia Cafe. said "I don't want to know what will happen to me." Have a lady to help me with cleaning and occasion sit with Mum, but she is a full time carer for an Agency, so we have to make the most of what we can get. Hubby was offered early retirement, is a postie, last August, we thought we would have sometime to ourselves,. but that got shelved, then it reared its head before Christmas, then it was going to be mid February, then it was 25th March, now they don't know if it is going to happen at all again. then there is the "new" neighbours who 2 years ago, claimed we have part of their garden. we have been here 14 years, their property on a piece of land which was sold, means we won't be able to get our car or trailer in front of our property, we do have 180 ft narrow drive. all went quiet then 5 weeks ago informed their solicitor has said we can't purchase the small triangle of land, so they are putting up a fence! Oh and just to add to it, because hubby was off off work through stress for 3 weeks he has been put on a stage 1 warning. Will take a look at the link. also discovered I had taken this morning meds last night, hence me not getting any sleep. Take care

Have read the info you suggested. I used to work with a Mental Health Trust, for training team for dementia care. Much easier to say these things than to actually do, I'm afraid

 

[silver star]

to all of you that have commented thank you. Have discovered I took my morning medication last night, hence me being more cranky than usual.

 

[karaokePete]

Have read the info you suggested. I used to work with a Mental Health Trust, for training team for dementia care. Much easier to say these things than to actually do, I'm afraid

I agree with you. I treat it as a standard to work towards and in that way I have found it useful, although I think I'll be declared a saint before I ever achieve 100%!

 

[Spamar]

The trick is to find what works for your PWD. Not easy, I know!

 

[Rolypoly]

You have a lot to contend with and it sounds like your life wasn’t easy before dementia arrived, let alone now. Remember to take care of yourself whilst you are taking care of everyone else. My patience wears thin when I’m ill or tired so don’t feel bad as you’re not alone. I think @carolynp makes a good point about why you might feel anger and resentment, we accept things a lot better when it is of our choosing rather than when it is something forced upon us, especially when it changes how we had anticipated our lives to be. Keep posting, it helps.