Frustrated and wits end with parents

[uktoday]

Not sure what to do.

I'm an only child. Moved back home and gave up my job as dad's aggression was off the scale. It calmed down with medication.

Have organised respite etc which mum went to with him but doesn't think it's for him. Dad can walk around all day shouting for us even thou we are there.

Meanwhile she (and me!) are getting more and more ground down. I'm at my wits end as no matter what I try and organise it's always refused. Ive tried every way to persuade mum that we need help but still she refuses.. yet at the same time I'm conscious if I leave them and move out to move on with my own life mum will have a breakdown. I've tried other people speaking to her but again It's refused.

Really do not know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Canadian Joanne]

What about saying you need the help or you will have to leave? I realize that sounds harsh but somehow you do need to get across to your mother that neither of you can go on the ways things are.

Why did your mother go on the respite with your father? It should have been for him alone, as she could then have rested and recuperated herself. If your father shouts for you all day in respite, you can't hear him. The staff will have had patients like him before. This is not unusual behaviour, it is simply challenging.

I do regret for you that you gave up your job and moved home. I wouldn't want your father's dementia to take over your life - that so easily happens.

Keep posting and let us know what happens. There is always support here.

 

[father ted]

Uktoday, your folks would not be able to function on a daily basis without you being there so if you are not coping get carers in to support you. Your Mum may find it tough having someone in her home that she has not invited but how much tougher will it be for her and your Dad if you leave of your own volition or worse still you breakdown with exhaustion?

If you help as I am sure you want to do then Mum has to accept getting people in. She will adapt and if she kicks off withdraw your help. You can't leave as you have given up your home that was a big sacrifice - don't make anymore.

 

[uktoday]

What about saying you need the help or you will have to leave? I realize that sounds harsh but somehow you do need to get across to your mother that neither of you can go on the ways things are.

Why did your mother go on the respite with your father? It should have been for him alone, as she could then have rested and recuperated herself. If your father shouts for you all day in respite, you can't hear him. The staff will have had patients like him before. This is not unusual behaviour, it is simply challenging.

I do regret for you that you gave up your job and moved home. I wouldn't want your father's dementia to take over your life - that so easily happens.

Keep posting and let us know what happens. There is always support here.

Hey thanks for your response. I can completely agree re the respite. I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I do say that I need help but unfortunately I'm looked as thou I'm mad saying that.

Tbh I've reached the point where I may have to walk away for my own sanity. It's not what I want to do as I do want to help but I am getting very bitter towards mum. Have tried everything.

 

[Bunpoots]

My first thought is go away for a week or two and see how your mum feels about getting help then.. It's unfair of her to expect you to sacrifice Your Own life when they is help available. I know it's hard to do. With my dad I started by introducing a "cleaner" who is now accepted as a home help and can take dad to appointments and deal with small emergencies when I'm not available.

 

[Bod]

My first thought is go away for a week or two and see how your mum feels about getting help then.. It's unfair of her to expect you to sacrifice Your Own life when they is help available. I know it's hard to do. With my dad I started by introducing a "cleaner" who is now accepted as a home help and can take dad to appointments and deal with small emergencies when I'm not available.

+1 from me.
Clearly Mum does not appreciate the situation.
Father is unwell, hows mothers health? both physically and mentally.

Bod

 

[uktoday]

+1 from me.
Clearly Mum does not appreciate the situation.
Father is unwell, hows mothers health? both physically and mentally.

Bod

Mum is Ok for her age but she is tired out some days.

I

 

[Bod]

Mum has to have it put to her, accept outside help, and retain some control of the situation.
Decline help, and when the crisis comes, everything will be decided by others, that won't take notice of what she wants. But she will be expected to pay. (Within the rules of course)
Brutal I know, but it's the bottom line.

Bod

 

[uktoday]

Mum has to have it put to her, accept outside help, and retain some control of the situation.
Decline help, and when the crisis comes, everything will be decided by others, that won't take notice of what she wants. But she will be expected to pay. (Within the rules of course)
Brutal I know, but it's the bottom line.

Bod

Yep - tried all that.

I'm at the point of walking away to be honest. Every thing I suggest - even to clear out space so I can exist at home - is refused point blank. Its creating a lot of tension. As an only child also I have no backup also. Its best for my own mental health to just walk away and let her get on with it. It's not what I want to do but I've come to the end of the line.

 

[Bod]

Some times allowing the crisis to happen is for the best.

Bod

 

[Witzend]

Sadly, in your sort of circumstances (not uncommon) walking away and waiting for the inevitable crisis may be the only way. Nobody wants to do it, but when people are so infuriatingly stubborn and will NOT accept outside help...

Elderly friend of Dh's parents - his wife had dementia - refused all outside help - until HE fell and broke a hip.
Both ended up in (different) care homes. He confessed to Dh later that it was a colossal relief and he was finally having a bit of a life again. Though sadly he didn't live very long afterwards.

Another husband - a lovely old chap - whose wife was in my mother's CH had valiantly battled to do it all alone - including changing wet sheets 3 times a night - he eventually collapsed completely, to the extent that he couldn't get to the phone to call 999. Thank goodness his wife was still able to bring him the phone, though she was not able to unlock the door to let the emergency services in - they had to force an entry.