My mum’s going to the care home tomorrow!

[smartieplum]

My mum has moved today to her permanent care home. She was in hospital then intermediate care for a few weeks. She was fine in the first home but I went in to put her things in her room and she was so agitated. I can't tell you how upset I am with this. I was fine until today. I feel I've let her down. I have to tell her white lies when leaving her and hate that. I feel so sad. She does have bad dementia but I feel she's not half as bad as some of the other residents. I know it will take time for us all to settle down but I feel I've let her down. I would have her home if I could. Anyone else have this type of experience.

 

[Kevinl]

It always fascinates me when we get a new resident, we got one today, came by ambulance, hospital barcode bracelet and plasters over one side of her forehead and face.
With new residents usually come new visitors and it can be interesting "people watching" them until they get familiar with the place and the people.
K

 

[Kikki21]

Kikki, just want to say I'm so glad a place was finally found and hope this all goes as well as it possibly can. Best wishes and hang in there.

Thank you @Amy in the US - I feel very strange this evening. I know it is the right thing to put my mum in the care home but it seems she is the most healthy one in there & the other PWD are worse. She said that she hated it in there a few times but she also said that about the smaller hospital she was moved to & actually that was far worse as she must have said she hated it 100 times. It did only last a day & then she seemed ok.

 

[Kikki21]

Hi @Kikki21, just to add to the wishes that I hope all went well with your Mum's move to the care home. It's a difficult time, but I hope she settles well. Take care. Georgina X

Thank you Georgina - I think i’m also having trouble adjusting to it all as one minute we were talking about it & the next minute, my mum is in a care home! X

 

[Kikki21]

My mum has moved today to her permanent care home. She was in hospital then intermediate care for a few weeks. She was fine in the first home but I went in to put her things in her room and she was so agitated. I can't tell you how upset I am with this. I was fine until today. I feel I've let her down. I have to tell her white lies when leaving her and hate that. I feel so sad. She does have bad dementia but I feel she's not half as bad as some of the other residents. I know it will take time for us all to settle down but I feel I've let her down. I would have her home if I could. Anyone else have this type of experience.

This is exactly how i’m feeling. I think it is a major attack of the guilts trying to kick in & also the fact that my mum tried to make me feel guilty that I can’t look after her. And that’s true, I can’t look after her because I would never have my own life ever again & she has advanced dementia that I can’t deal with or pander to every few minutes. It is very sad but it’s the truth.
I can’t have my mum living with us as we have a house, it is rented & we have no space as it is - we also have no space at her bungalow & when she is adjudged to have no capacity, it is not safe for her to be at home even with the standard 4 care calls a day, she would still be on her own for 12 hrs at a time in the evening & at night.

 

[Georgina63]

Thank you Georgina - I think i’m also having trouble adjusting to it all as one minute we were talking about it & the next minute, my mum is in a care home! X

It is a difficult adjustment, especially when you have been so involved in the day to day care, and I found the time thereafter a bit of a rollercoaster to say the least, but your Mum is being well looked after now, and hopefully this will allow you some time to come to terms with the move. In my experience, after a while it became a less anxious time, knowing that my folks were in a safe place, although the grief and sadness continue to rear their heads from time to time. Hugs. Gx

 

[Kikki21]

It always fascinates me when we get a new resident, we got one today, came by ambulance, hospital barcode bracelet and plasters over one side of her forehead and face.
With new residents usually come new visitors and it can be interesting "people watching" them until they get familiar with the place and the people.

My mum asked what was wrong with the lady next to her as she was shouting out for help every so often but that is how she is. I know you can still have a convo with my mum even though it is extremely repetitive.

 

[SnowWhite]

My mum feels the cold too something chronic, even when the room is baking hot, she is saying it’s too cold! Unfortunately my mum doesn’t wear trousers so there is no way she would wear leggings unless she wore a dress over them like I do but she is hugely old fashioned when it comes to clothing. Her labels should come tomorrow so we can go back to the care home & start popping them in.

What about thick wool tights - I have some by Charnos and they are soft and very warm.

 

[Helly68]

Thank you & I hope your dad continues to settle in well. I have to say all the staff we have encountered are absolutely lovely at the care home but I am sat here thinking that I know I have made the right decision but a lot of the other pwd seem worse than my mum with them either not talking or shouting out & my mum isn’t at that stage.

Actually, the pad being at an earlier stage can help them settle and make the most of activities. Mummy used to always ask when I was coming back at the start, but as she settled in she seemed less bothered.

 

[Kikki21]

What about thick wool tights - I have some by Charnos and they are soft and very warm.

She is very short at about 4 11 so any type of clothing is difficult & she is a size 16/18 ish around the middle due to a large hernia. It was a struggle getting her 20 denier tights to be honest!

 

[Kevinl]

She is very short at about 4 11 so any type of clothing is difficult & she is a size 16/18 ish around the middle due to a large hernia. It was a struggle getting her 20 denier tights to be honest!

Maternity tights, come in a range of sizes and colours and are designed fit shapes like the one you describe.
K

 

[SnowWhite]

She is very short at about 4 11 so any type of clothing is difficult & she is a size 16/18 ish around the middle due to a large hernia. It was a struggle getting her 20 denier tights to be honest!

ha ha do we share a mother? My poor Mum has a huge hernia right where her stoma is! These wool tights are not like nylon tights. They are much more “giving” and easy to put on.

 

[Kikki21]

Actually, the pad being at an earlier stage can help them settle and make the most of activities. Mummy used to always ask when I was coming back at the start, but as she settled in she seemed less bothered.

This is where there seems a lot of confusion. Her consultant said she was late stage dementia & she has been deemed to have no capacity but she has mixed dementia more Vascular than Alz & maybe that is presenting itself differently.

 

[Kikki21]

Maternity tights, come in a range of sizes and colours and are designed fit shapes like the one you describe.
K

Ah why did I not think of that - thank you!

 

[Helly68]

This is where there seems a lot of confusion. Her consultant said she was late stage dementia & she has been deemed to have no capacity but she has mixed dementia more Vascular than Alz & maybe that is presenting itself differently.

I think you have to accept, hard as it is, that there are no diagnosis definite. There is a lot they still don't know and each person is different

 

[Kikki21]

I think you have to accept, hard as it is, that there are no diagnosis definite. There is a lot they still don't know and each person is different

The consultant looked at her CT scan & told us what was presenting in her brain. She has declined massively cognitively since she ended up in hospital before Christmas.

 

[smartieplum]

This is exactly how i’m feeling. I think it is a major attack of the guilts trying to kick in & also the fact that my mum tried to make me feel guilty that I can’t look after her. And that’s true, I can’t look after her because I would never have my own life ever again & she has advanced dementia that I can’t deal with or pander to every few minutes. It is very sad but it’s the truth.
I can’t have my mum living with us as we have a house, it is rented & we have no space as it is - we also have no space at her bungalow & when she is adjudged to have no capacity, it is not safe for her to be at home even with the standard 4 care calls a day, she would still be on her own for 12 hrs at a time in the evening & at night.

Have you actually said to mum about her being there for good? I've said to mum she will be there so her sore leg can heal or that she's on holiday. Perhaps this is the wrong way to approach it. God I hate this.

 

[Kikki21]

Have you actually said to mum about her being there for good? I've said to mum she will be there so her sore leg can heal or that she's on holiday. Perhaps this is the wrong way to approach it. God I hate this.

@smartieplum I haven’t said that this is now her home now. I have said that the doctors have said she needs to stay there to get better & that her legs needs to stop swelling - she gets cellulitis, actually had it for a long while. I am avoiding mentioning that she has her own home because she would immediately say she wants to go there. She has no realisation of how unsafe that would be for her so we are not mentioning it & I am going to say the same to the other family members who will visit her although they do so very infrequently.

 

[Pickles53]

This is exactly how i’m feeling. I think it is a major attack of the guilts trying to kick in & also the fact that my mum tried to make me feel guilty that I can’t look after her. And that’s true, I can’t look after her because I would never have my own life ever again & she has advanced dementia that I can’t deal with or pander to every few minutes. It is very sad but it’s the truth.
I can’t have my mum living with us as we have a house, it is rented & we have no space as it is - we also have no space at her bungalow & when she is adjudged to have no capacity, it is not safe for her to be at home even with the standard 4 care calls a day, she would still be on her own for 12 hrs at a time in the evening & at night.

You need to borrow the TP guilt monster stick so you can give it a whack whenever it comes near you. Or just reread your post which tells you all you need to know about why this is the right decision for your mum and for you. Well done for getting this far and good luck with your next steps.

 

[Kikki21]

You need to borrow the TP guilt monster stick so you can give it a whack whenever it comes near you. Or just reread your post which tells you all you need to know about why this is the right decision for your mum and for you. Well done for getting this far and good luck with your next steps.

Thank you @Pickles53 it’s just hard & now I have the next task of finding somewhere else to live closer to the care home & my mum’s task. It’s a lot to take on!