Do you ever think of walking out?

[john1939]

Hello, night time is a bad time for me. I sometimes lie awake at night listening to the wailing and moaning as my wife has another bad dream.
Before she was diagnosed she had become so aggressive that I had considered leaving. I had been physically abused on more than one occasion. Thankfully her drugs have quietened her down but the old verbal agression is still there.
One of her favourite barbs is "When I think of the men I could have married but I ended up with you"
My reply is, "I sincerely wish that you had married one of those men, dear."
I know that if I were to leave then my daughters would have to share the burden, so I just soldier on.

 

[nae sporran]

I know how hard it can be to stick to the compassionate communication when you are not sleeping, John. Sorry you are getting to the stage again where you are thinking of leaving.
Can your family not take some of the burden to allow you a couple of days off? I know half a day off while OH is at day centre and a couple of hours while the befriender is taking her out allow me time to have a life. You seem like you need some kind of respite like that before you reach the desperate stage I was at a year and half ago.

 

[karaokePete]

The sleep disturbance is bad - I suffer the wailing too. Memantine helped, but didn't cure, my wife's night time hallucinations and bad dreams.
I'm lucky in that I can still leave my wife alone in the apartment for an hour or two each day while I get out for a fast paced walk. Without that I'd struggle.

 

[canary]

I think a lot of us have considered walking out!
I am assuming that your wife has had medication reviews to help the night-time agitation; if not then this is the place to start. Contact your GP for a referral to the Community Psychiatric Team

Otherwise it sounds like you need more help - options are: carers to help with washing/dressing/taking medication, a cleaner to give you more time, a befriender to look after your wife while you go out, day care, a weeks respite in a care home every now and then or, ultimately, residence in a care home. If you did leave then I should imagine that a care home would be on the cards, so get some help now. Contact your Social Services for a needs assessment for your wife and a carers assessment for your..

 

[dancer12]

Hello, night time is a bad time for me. I sometimes lie awake at night listening to the wailing and moaning as my wife has another bad dream.
Before she was diagnosed she had become so aggressive that I had considered leaving. I had been physically abused on more than one occasion. Thankfully her drugs have quietened her down but the old verbal agression is still there.
One of her favourite barbs is "When I think of the men I could have married but I ended up with you"
My reply is, "I sincerely wish that you had married one of those men, dear."
I know that if I were to leave then my daughters would have to share the burden, so I just soldier on.

Hi John:

Do I ever think of walking out - about 1 million times a day as he is not the man I married anymore. And then comes that million & one time when I come back down to reality & say to myself "Who is going to care for him if I'm gone and where will he end up" and then I cry and continue on hoping for better times which will never be.

You are not alone. It's a difficult job caring for someone you love but made 10 times more difficult caring for someone that was supposed to be your partner through life but you don't know anymore.

All the best in the future.

 

[Sammie234]

It’s hard isn’t it, I currently feel like a hamster on a wheel going round and round in circles getting no where fast. OH is fixated again on our money asking at least 20 times a day, we don’t seem to discuss anything different, or it’s haven’t seen the kids for ages, you only saw your daughter three times this week I know because I was looking after her kids being run ragged chasing a two year old and a 1 year old who has just found her feet whilst you fell asleep in the chair, ( how do you do that). Also back on about the car, they’ve taken your license off you, why nothing wrong with me, everyone forgets something sometimes and it’s not as if I have to go to the doctors all the time is it, no one is checking on me, so can’t be anything serious can it, so I don’t see why I can’t drive, I’ll even retake my test. Rant over for now

 

[MarHef48]

It’s hard isn’t it, I currently feel like a hamster on a wheel going round and round in circles getting no where fast. OH is fixated again on our money asking at least 20 times a day, we don’t seem to discuss anything different, or it’s haven’t seen the kids for ages, you only saw your daughter three times this week I know because I was looking after her kids being run ragged chasing a two year old and a 1 year old who has just found her feet whilst you fell asleep in the chair, ( how do you do that). Also back on about the car, they’ve taken your license off you, why nothing wrong with me, everyone forgets something sometimes and it’s not as if I have to go to the doctors all the time is it, no one is checking on me, so can’t be anything serious can it, so I don’t see why I can’t drive, I’ll even retake my test. Rant over for now

Hi, Sammie234.
Money, money, money, been there and done that. Today I got the classic quote:- OH - " All I do is pay out but you don't know anything about that do you?". Oh good grief, given that for the first 32 years of our married life I paid all the bills and bought all the furniture, furnishings, decorating materials and food - this is one particular insult that is like a blow to the solar plexus.

It just seems that they can jump up and down like a kid having a tantrum, say what they want, do what they want and everyone around them has to put up and shut up. The other day I got a builder to replace the kitchen door handle and lock - quite simply the old one had given up and several times we were either locked out of the kitchen or locked in the kitchen...not very smart. So a new lock was fitted. I have not yet heard the end of it....there was nothing wrong (apparently) with the old locks - the new locks are no different - why did we have to go to all that expense (who is this we) etc and etc.

However, yesterday I was having my afternoon nap - or trying ( I broke my ankle on Jan 8th and after a morning hopping around - I need rest) I heard the kitchen door being opened and closed, repeatedly. What in all the world was he doing. However, I said nothing (wouldnt dare) but later on when I went to open the door found it was stuck. When I eventually forced the door open he wore a stupid grin and commented once again on how the new lock hadn't solved anything.

Last evening when he was sitting watching the TV I went out to make myself a coffee - once again I could not open the door easily, so crouched down to have a look - he had stuffed cardboard into the lock mechanism!

I removed the offending cardboard and smeared the lock mechanism with vaseline so that the door practically flies open at the slightest touch..............but of all the childish stupid activities.
I give up....seriously...there should be a law against such behaviour.
Take care.
Mx

 

[Sammie234]

Hi, Sammie234.
Money, money, money, been there and done that. Today I got the classic quote:- OH - " All I do is pay out but you don't know anything about that do you?". Oh good grief, given that for the first 32 years of our married life I paid all the bills and bought all the furniture, furnishings, decorating materials and food - this is one particular insult that is like a blow to the solar plexus.

It just seems that they can jump up and down like a kid having a tantrum, say what they want, do what they want and everyone around them has to put up and shut up. The other day I got a builder to replace the kitchen door handle and lock - quite simply the old one had given up and several times we were either locked out of the kitchen or locked in the kitchen...not very smart. So a new lock was fitted. I have not yet heard the end of it....there was nothing wrong (apparently) with the old locks - the new locks are no different - why did we have to go to all that expense (who is this we) etc and etc.

However, yesterday I was having my afternoon nap - or trying ( I broke my ankle on Jan 8th and after a morning hopping around - I need rest) I heard the kitchen door being opened and closed, repeatedly. What in all the world was he doing. However, I said nothing (wouldnt dare) but later on when I went to open the door found it was stuck. When I eventually forced the door open he wore a stupid grin and commented once again on how the new lock hadn't solved anything.

Last evening when he was sitting watching the TV I went out to make myself a coffee - once again I could not open the door easily, so crouched down to have a look - he had stuffed cardboard into the lock mechanism!

I removed the offending cardboard and smeared the lock mechanism with vaseline so that the door practically flies open at the slightest touch..............but of all the childish stupid activities.
I give up....seriously...there should be a law against such behaviour.
Take care.
Mx

You too

 

[Smileysue]

I can relate to all your comments but it seems to me that each week brings an additional fixation from the PWD. This week my OH is obsessed with changing his clothes. He asks me to put some out for him in the morning and then constantly changes during the day. Each time he complains I have taken all his clothes from the wardrobe. It keeps him occupied which is good but the clothes he wears are inappropriate, sometimes 4 polo shirts in layers. Money is forgotten and now replaced with clothes and eating ice cream obsesssions.

 

[Sammie234]

I can relate to all your comments but it seems to me that each week brings an additional fixation from the PWD. This week my OH is obsessed with changing his clothes. He asks me to put some out for him in the morning and then constantly changes during the day. Each time he complains I have taken all his clothes from the wardrobe. It keeps him occupied which is good but the clothes he wears are inappropriate, sometimes 4 polo shirts in layers. Money is forgotten and now replaced with clothes and eating ice cream obsesssions.

You’d think they would get really uncomfortable in all those layers wouldn’t you

 

[Smileysue]

You’d think they would get really uncomfortable in all those layers wouldn’t you

Definitely, especially with back to front trousers!

 

[john1939]

Thanks everyone, it helps to know that out there someone else is coping with a similar situation.
I know that deep down that I will never abandon her, not physically anyway. The trapped feeling probably gets to me from time to time. She has got two mornings at a local day centre, but getting her up and dressed and pilled and fed is exhausting.
What's that quotation? "Quos deus vult perdere prius dementat" sorry for the Latin; "Whom the gods wish to destroy they first drive mad"
I think that they are working at it.

 

[marionq]

I don't know the Latin but by God I sympathise with the writer on the English. I frequently think I won't survive another day or week with my sanity intact - but I do!

 

[karaokePete]

It’s a funny old place Dementiaville.
One of the things I find sad is the role change. We were once husband and wife, now, too often, it’s parent and troublesome child. I did the parenting bit when I was young enough to cope with it and didn’t ever plan on a repeat.

Where is that person with whom I planned to grow old disgracefully?

 

[dancer12]

They say laughter is the best medicine. I think I will need to buy happy pills by the truckfull.

 

[Guzelle]

I often feel like running away to normality, where I can have a social life once again. We can’t go to the pub as the noise upsets him and people we used to go out with he says he doesn’t like them anymore! We go out for coffee to our nearest Coffee shop which is fairly quiet. Yesterday he went to the toilet in the coffee shop where he has been loads of times, he was gone at least 15 minuets so I went to look for him, I looked in the gents as there was no one in, he wasn’t there, I was beginning to get a bit worried as he never normally wanders off only to see him coming out of the ladies!!! He had been in there all along! Never thought to look in there!

 

[MarHef48]

Thanks everyone, it helps to know that out there someone else is coping with a similar situation.
I know that deep down that I will never abandon her, not physically anyway. The trapped feeling probably gets to me from time to time. She has got two mornings at a local day centre, but getting her up and dressed and pilled and fed is exhausting.
What's that quotation? "Quos deus vult perdere prius dementat" sorry for the Latin; "Whom the gods wish to destroy they first drive mad"
I think that they are working at it.

John1939
I agree wholeheartedly and can add the one which states "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - my own personal comment is that "I am going to skip the grey stage and go bald instead" - actually I hope not, but know what I mean.
Perhaps the plan is that we all start thinking like the ones we care for - then we won't actually notice anything odd, peculiar, funny or whatever....it will all seem perfectly normal (I know there is no such thing as normal - my normal I mean).
Take Care
Keep Strong
Mx

 

[myss]

It’s a funny old place Dementiaville.
One of the things I find sad is the role change. We were once husband and wife, now, too often, it’s parent and troublesome child. I did the parenting bit when I was young enough to cope with it and didn’t ever plan on a repeat.

Where is that person with whom I planned to grow old disgracefully?

I sort-of feel the same even though it's my dad that I care for, not a partner, and that I have my own family to bring up, so now it sometimes feels like I have an extra child to look after.

Definitely can empathise with you all.

 

[APPLEANNIE]

I think of walking out all the time but if I did my son who has three young children would be left with the problems . Therefore i can not do that.I feel that I am not my OH wife but his nurse cleaner and everything else that goes with looking after someone with Alzeimers.I also am disabled so that makes ,What can do do but get on with it.it even harder. No conversation no thank yous no connection But what can you do but keep on with it.

 

[Baker17]

I often feel like running away to normality, where I can have a social life once again. We can’t go to the pub as the noise upsets him and people we used to go out with he says he doesn’t like them anymore! We go out for coffee to our nearest Coffee shop which is fairly quiet. Yesterday he went to the toilet in the coffee shop where he has been loads of times, he was gone at least 15 minuets so I went to look for him, I looked in the gents as there was no one in, he wasn’t there, I was beginning to get a bit worried as he never normally wanders off only to see him coming out of the ladies!!! He had been in there all along! Never thought to look in there!

That happened to me the other week as well I will go with him, not in mind you but I’ll wait outside just in case there is anyone in the ladies who doesn’t understand