effects on your own life?

[totallyconfused]

Huge effect on my life, pretty much for 10 years now. Im 33. Always wanted children. Now I long for freedom and to travel and have independence. This might all change again but right now I want that more than children.

That realisation took me by surprise a little. I guess its when you realise how time is flying by.

Even just having to get someone to cover for you for a day or whatever and feeling guilty about it.

Its hard! I'm happy I can do this for my mother but it does change you. People tend to look at life in a very simple way but its different for everyone and sometimes it turns out differently than what you originally had planned.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Huge effect on my life, pretty much for 10 years now. Im 33. Always wanted children. Now I long for freedom and to travel and have independence. This might all change again but right now I want that more than children.

That realisation took me by surprise a little. I guess its when you realise how time is flying by.

Even just having to get someone to cover for you for a day or whatever and feeling guilty about it.

Its hard! I'm happy I can do this for my mother but it does change you. People tend to look at life in a very simple way but its different for everyone and sometimes it turns out differently than what you originally had planned.

Is interesting you say how things that you might have done and plans have changed over the years. I never anticipated doing a caring role for my mother-in-law who for the last 30 years has sought to disrupt my marriage in such a nasty way. I hasten to add that she has been pretty unpleasant to her own daughter as well over the last 30 years. Needless to say you reap what you sow and nobody apart from my husband and I take any interest whatsoever in her welfare even her own daughter who has now moved abroad has virtually no contact with her. However I do have partly a caring role I cover her power of attorney and make sure her care agency function as they should. I never anticipated when I first got married that I would be in the situation I am now. In an ideal world I would have had a supportive mother-in-law but it's not to be and it's never going to change

 

[Duggies-girl]

Huge effect on my life, pretty much for 10 years now. Im 33. Always wanted children. Now I long for freedom and to travel and have independence. This might all change again but right now I want that more than children.

That realisation took me by surprise a little. I guess its when you realise how time is flying by.

Even just having to get someone to cover for you for a day or whatever and feeling guilty about it.

Its hard! I'm happy I can do this for my mother but it does change you. People tend to look at life in a very simple way but its different for everyone and sometimes it turns out differently than what you originally had planned.

Yes a huge affect and I have only been doing this on a an almost full time basis since august but part time for a couple of years.. 10 years is a hell of a long time. You have earned some freedom.

Like you I just want freedom and to travel. Also I am very unmaterialistic now. There is nothing that I want in the way of possessions and I could clear my house of everything but the bare neccessities,

I really want travel all on my own but instead I am sitting here with dad who is busy twiddling his fingers and watching some rubbish on the TV Not his fault I know but there are other things I want to do.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Is interesting you say how things that you might have done and plans have changed over the years. I never anticipated doing a caring role for my mother-in-law who for the last 30 years has sought to disrupt my marriage in such a nasty way. I hasten to add that she has been pretty unpleasant to her own daughter as well over the last 30 years. Needless to say you reap what you sow and nobody apart from my husband and I take any interest whatsoever in her welfare even her own daughter who has now moved abroad has virtually no contact with her. However I do have partly a caring role I cover her power of attorney and make sure her care agency function as they should. I never anticipated when I first got married that I would be in the situation I am now. In an ideal world I would have had a supportive mother-in-law but it's not to be and it's never going to change

@Rosettastone57 You have my admiration because I could never have cared for my MIL No way, not for anything.

My dad is a lovely man who devoted his life to his family, Dad also has a son, my brother who is not in the least bit interested in his dads welfare but is interested in his money so something went wrong there. Dad deserves better than that.

 

[totallyconfused]

@Rosettastone57 You have my admiration because I could never have cared for my MIL No way, not for anything.

My dad is a lovely man who devoted his life to his family, Dad also has a son, my brother who is not in the least bit interested in his dads welfare but is interested in his money so something went wrong there. Dad deserves better than that.

Its amazing how money brings out the worst in people, some people are just so hungry for it that they just don't give a **** about the actual human being involved or how much they have done for them.Like your dad, my mom devoted her whole life to use. Dad died a few years ago and that didn't help. That's when I took over full time. My sister lives here as well and is a great help. Happy to do it but it is tough and affects your whole life-your personal life, income, future security etc

 

[margherita]

ike you I just want freedom and to travel. Also I am very unmaterialistic now. There is nothing that I want in the way of possessions and I could clear my house of everything but the bare neccessities,

I might have written those lines.
When I retired in 2014 I thought I would be free to do what I like, that is travelling and helping stray dogs.
Instead, I am under house arrest in my husband's house, lost in the country, no friends, no family.
The two of us only.
I have just turned 66. I'm aware I am losing the last chance to be (reasonably) happy

 

[Duggies-girl]

Its amazing how money brings out the worst in people, some people are just so hungry for it that they just don't give a **** about the actual human being involved or how much they have done for them.Like your dad, my mom devoted her whole life to use. Dad died a few years ago and that didn't help. That's when I took over full time. My sister lives here as well and is a great help. Happy to do it but it is tough and affects your whole life-your personal life, income, future security etc

Yes I have almost been tempted to put dad in a home so he gets to use all of his money up before he dies but I won't. Well not yet anyway because the time may come.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I might have written those lines.
When I retired in 2014 I thought I would be free to do what I like, that is travelling and helping stray dogs.
Instead, I am under house arrest in my husband's house, lost in the country, no friends, no family.
The two of us only.
I have just turned 66. I'm aware I am losing the last chance to be (reasonably) happy

I am 61 and have had to stop working except for one day a week and that is coming to an end soon. So I will have no income either. I was going to retire at 62 and travel. Such is life.[/QUOTE]

 

[myss]

I sort-of know how you feel @totally confused.

Similar to Duggies-girl, I've only been a more hands-on carer for about three years when my mother, who was my dad's carer, took seriously ill, although I had been involved in my dad's care in some way for about a couple years before then. Mum's still with us but has never recovered and now need round the clock care herself, so there was no choice in the matter, dad needed to be taken care of.
Funnily enough I had finished my degree about a year before my Mum took ill and was both weirded out and marvelled at then free time I had! Boy that's feels a world away now.

I went away for work for a couple weekends in Manchester back in September and wow the little time I had to myself was beautiful. I still study (just), work and have a family of my own, and haven't had a holiday in years but when I do I honestly aim to just go away somewhere for a few days on my own just to remember how having freedom felt.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I sort-of know how you feel @totally confused.

Similar to Duggies-girl, I've only been a more hands-on carer for about three years when my mother, who was my dad's carer, took seriously ill, although I had been involved in my dad's care in some way for about a couple years before then. Mum's still with us but has never recovered and now need round the clock care herself, so there was no choice in the matter, dad needed to be taken care of.
Funnily enough I had finished my degree about a year before my Mum took ill and was both weirded out and marvelled at then free time I had! Boy that's feels a world away now.

I went away for work for a couple weekends in Manchester back in September and wow the little time I had to myself was beautiful. I still study (just), work and have a family of my own, and haven't had a holiday in years but when I do I honestly aim to just go away somewhere for a few days on my own just to remember how having freedom felt.

 

[Raggedrobin]

I moved 200 miles to help my very old mother about 4 years ago when she fell and broke her hip. I told my partner I would be up for about 6 weeks while she was on the mend. However she had mini-strokes or something that made it clear she had dementia. So then I decided I would stay up and make sure she got all her needs sorted out. After all, she was 96 then and not likely to live long.

She is now 100 years old. I have lived apart from my partner for four years. She is now in a nursing home but she is so close to the end I don't want to leave her now, after all this time.

The irony is that having never originally intended to, I have got used to living up here now and decided that I will settle here after she has died. I have very slowly made a few friends - slowly, because most of my time was originally wrapped up with Mum, and come to appreciate the beautiful scenery here. It has been one of the hardest periods of my life but I hope somehow I have gained some sort of compassion and wisdom from this experience.

What I long for is to travel - I always liked my little trips but now I am really desperate. When Mum does go, we intend having a 'gap' year. I'm a bit old for it, at 60, but boy, has this experience taught me that when ine has freedom and independence, grab it and do all the things you can, while you can, as who knows what lies ahead.

 

[Duggies-girl]

More similar than you think @myss I am doing a geology degree with the OU and it is the best thing I have ever done. I started just before my mum died 6 years ago and I should finish it this June,

All I want to do is finish it but it has become really difficult now dad has got worse and I am scared I am going to fail my last exams. I was supposed to be going away next weekend to study some rocks and then my husband had an small MI last week so that was off but he is home now and offered to look after dad for me. He should be OK by then.

Now I feel guilty because I still want to go even though husband has been ill. I so looked forward to it. Two nights away with people who I have never met and a hotel room to myself. Absolute bliss. It's not likely to happen. We already missed the Jake Bugg gig on Tuesday because my husband was in hospital.

The studying has really helped me as it is an escape. I can lose myself in my books.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I moved 200 miles to help my very old mother about 4 years ago when she fell and broke her hip. I told my partner I would be up for about 6 weeks while she was on the mend. However she had mini-strokes or something that made it clear she had dementia. So then I decided I would stay up and make sure she got all her needs sorted out. After all, she was 96 then and not likely to live long.

She is now 100 years old. I have lived apart from my partner for four years. She is now in a nursing home but she is so close to the end I don't want to leave her now, after all this time.

The irony is that having never originally intended to, I have got used to living up here now and decided that I will settle here after she has died. I have very slowly made a few friends - slowly, because most of my time was originally wrapped up with Mum, and come to appreciate the beautiful scenery here. It has been one of the hardest periods of my life but I hope somehow I have gained some sort of compassion and wisdom from this experience.

What I long for is to travel - I always liked my little trips but now I am really desperate. When Mum does go, we intend having a 'gap' year. I'm a bit old for it, at 60, but boy, has this experience taught me that when ine has freedom and independence, grab it and do all the things you can, while you can, as who knows what lies ahead.

You are not to old @Raggedrobin I am 61 and my backpack is ready for my gap year. We back packed around Asia some years ago and there are loads of older travellers backpacking. We never felt old at all. You do it.

 

[totallyconfused]

Right now I think Id want to do something totally fun and carefree. What comes to mind is-Disneyland(Bit old in fairness but I think it would be fun and the opposite to my life now if that makes sense) and LA(movie studios etc). Silly stuff really.

I don't have much money and its not the right time but someday!

 

[myss]

More similar than you think @myss I am doing a geology degree with the OU and it is the best thing I have ever done. I started just before my mum died 6 years ago and I should finish it this June,

All I want to do is finish it but it has become really difficult now dad has got worse and I am scared I am going to fail my last exams. I was supposed to be going away next weekend to study some rocks and then my husband had an small MI last week so that was off but he is home now and offered to look after dad for me. He should be OK by then.

Now I feel guilty because I still want to go even though husband has been ill. I so looked forward to it. Two nights away with people who I have never met and a hotel room to myself. Absolute bliss. It's not likely to happen. We already missed the Jake Bugg gig on Tuesday because my husband was in hospital.

The studying has really helped me as it is an escape. I can lose myself in my books.

Even more similar @Duggies-girl my degree was with the OU too. I can empathise with the difficult feelings of what to prioritise - your study or home life. You will work it out but remember to ask for help if you need it. Your last line is where I want to get back to now with my post-grad studies.

We ALL need that break sometimes. Again like you, my two weekends away were with people I didn't know at first but as mentioned having a glorious room to myself was just bliss, it felt like a holiday for me. It's only a weekend, can't someone else look in on your husband while you're away? Has he said that he wants you to go or stay? Don't feel guilty for an one-off time that you will actually put yourself forward ahead other people and hope you end up going.

 

[fortune]

Exhausted, isolated, depressed and completely broke. I recently researched the impact on carers of pwd. It was terrifying. Sky high rates of depression, physical breakdown and, horrible to think, dementia.

 

[karaokePete]

Exhausted, isolated, depressed and completely broke. I recently researched the impact on carers of pwd. It was terrifying. Sky high rates of depression, physical breakdown and, horrible to think, dementia.

I can see how that happens and I’m fighting tooth and claw to prevent it in my own case. I’m determined to take some me time every day and I try to stay both physically and mentally active for the sake of my own wellbeing. I point blank refuse to lose my own identity to my wife’s dementia. My wife, in her PWD style self obsessed way, isn’t always happy with that but she cam lump it if she doesn’t like it. For her benefit I am willing to walk all but the last inch of the ‘extra mile’ simply because if I am lost she has no one else and her getting all but that inch is better for both of us!
It’s a tough road we carers travel.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Please all of you...dementia takes one quality of life away...don't let it take Two.
Try and find a way of fitting into your care a bit of me time to do something you want to do. I know from caring for dad it does take its toll but your parents, partners, pwd...if they were able would probably say you need a bit of time to yourselves to enjoy a bit of your life. It is easier said than done I know...but looking back I wish I had not let it consume all of my waking days and nights to the extent of carer breakdown.

 

[Amber_31]

I’m 33 too, totally confused. I wonder as well why my thirties seem to be this endless merry-go-round of stress inducing episodes, with another one before I’ve recovered from the last one, whilst all the time trying to keep on top of domesticity. I am exhausted and I’m not too sure what the answer is.

 

[totallyconfused]

I’m 33 too, totally confused. I wonder as well why my thirties seem to be this endless merry-go-round of stress inducing episodes, with another one before I’ve recovered from the last one, whilst all the time trying to keep on top of domesticity. I am exhausted and I’m not too sure what the answer is.

yep. same. Not just with my mother, but my own worries, thinking about the future, trying to keep calm even though family has treated me like **** and being patient while having to deal with them when they visit.

Denial was serious before the diagnosis but the fact that people are still in denial is scary. People seem to be going between denial and anger and Im the punching bag it seems.You try and stand up for yourself but sometimes its just harder and harder to get through it.