My mum was diagnosed with Alzhiemer's last year, she lives by herself and is only 66. I'm finding it really hard to support her and my young family. She has carers going in, but of course they can't be there all the time so we speak a lot & go over the same things over and over again. I work full time and am starting to dread the wkends coming up because I have no excuse not to go and visit her (apart from family life)! She has to pay for her own care which is fine. She copes okish day to day but it's just the constant support which is getting to me & I know this is only the beginning! Anyone else out there who cares for a parent & is struggling?
Caring for mum and my own family.
- Thread starter spotegg
- Start date
I remember my Mum being housebound for 15 years - not dementia - and finding it very hard to fit in a full time job, teenagers and her needs. My sister and my mothers sisters were also involved in her care so I had a bit of a cheek really but when you’re in the midst of these situations you can’t see clearly. You don’t know how long it will last or how bad it will get.
The main thing is to get every help you can get from wherever you can get it. Social services, daycare, other relatives. Get them all on board. You will need them.
The main thing is to get every help you can get from wherever you can get it. Social services, daycare, other relatives. Get them all on board. You will need them.
I can completely sympathise with you, I have a 2 and a 6 year old and am also ‘caring’ for my mum who has dementia, she is aged 76. I say it like that because I live 3 hours away so can’t be there to care for her physically but I have arranged a Carer to do cleaning and a gardener and I have LPA and manage all household bills. I ring her when I can and visit every 6 weeks but I work part time and am struggling to manage that, my family and my mum. I can’t offer any advice but I share your struggles.
@Alibaba80 don’t think you’re not caring properly because you don’t live nearby! I didn’t live near my mum either but like you I had all the organising and sorting to do. That is 100% caring.
As a parent and grandparent, the last thing I would want is to think my daughter and grandchildren were too stressed and anxious about me to enjoy their own family lives, especially when the children are so young. They grow up so fast and that time doesn’t come again. I’ve told my daughter already: spend as much of my money as is needed to look after me, but don’t give up on your family’s future to do it yourself.
I’d think about whether there is any way for your mum to move closer to you in the longer term as I found the distance the hardest thing, especially when we had to arrange appointments. It also meant she could see the little ones more easily and that gave her pleasure when nothing else did.
As a parent and grandparent, the last thing I would want is to think my daughter and grandchildren were too stressed and anxious about me to enjoy their own family lives, especially when the children are so young. They grow up so fast and that time doesn’t come again. I’ve told my daughter already: spend as much of my money as is needed to look after me, but don’t give up on your family’s future to do it yourself.
I’d think about whether there is any way for your mum to move closer to you in the longer term as I found the distance the hardest thing, especially when we had to arrange appointments. It also meant she could see the little ones more easily and that gave her pleasure when nothing else did.
Yes, I am in the same boat, I live with my mum who is 69, my husband and my two year old. My mum’s symptoms became serious just as my son was born. I had him in the buggy and I went to see her from the centre of London where I lived at the time to the suburbs where she lived, by tube. Bringing her food, turning on the heating, dealing with letters, cooking, cleaning etc. Everyone told me I was looking very thin post pregnancy and praising my weight loss when in reality I was utterly worn out and living a very difficult life of dementia carer! Fast forward two years we are all living together and it’s really, really difficult. But dementia is very difficult - literally horrendous at times. Life would be no better for any of us if she were in a home, but we might have to go down that path one day. The only consolation, not that it’s anything really is that I’m doing right by my mum and not abandoning her!
Amber you sound like me except i dont have a 2 year old and my dad lives alone
I have to go over and try my best to clean hes flat but hes a massive hoarder so if i do clean 2 hours later theres stuff everywhere again i cant win he wont have carers no longer has hobbies doesnt go anywere anymore and gets the bus to me every morning only gojnv home at night im worried sick we are both council ive asked them to see if i can move him in with me as running two homes is very stressful and now hes not bathing stinks and im sure is not eating i cant be there 24 hours a day and hes flat is freezing the council wont move him and yet say that he cant live with me i should put him in a nursing home im sureif it was there parents they wouldnt be so callous or unsympathetic
I have to go over and try my best to clean hes flat but hes a massive hoarder so if i do clean 2 hours later theres stuff everywhere again i cant win he wont have carers no longer has hobbies doesnt go anywere anymore and gets the bus to me every morning only gojnv home at night im worried sick we are both council ive asked them to see if i can move him in with me as running two homes is very stressful and now hes not bathing stinks and im sure is not eating i cant be there 24 hours a day and hes flat is freezing the council wont move him and yet say that he cant live with me i should put him in a nursing home im sureif it was there parents they wouldnt be so callous or unsympathetic
I have great admiration and respect for those who make the decision to take on any care responsibilities. Everyone will have to make their own decisions as to how much they can cope with. However, it is not in my view ‘abandoning’ someone if they move to a care home. It can be the best thing both for the PWD and for their families. There are plenty of stories on TP of people who were much better in a care home environment than they had been at home. There is no one right answer and nobody should imply that those who choose a different path are somehow less caring.
To comment on what appears to have been inferred from my post, I didn’t intend my use of the word ‘abandoning’ to be seen in the context of care at home vs. care home. All I meant was that I have done what I have had to do as a daugter to do my best by my mum, whereas I have an older brother (my invisible sibling, eleven years older than me) who never calls or visits my mum, and the start of the coldness came with no trigger, other than finding out that my mum was ill. That is abandonment, and I don’t think many if any who are compelled to post on TP are guilty of it. As I was willing and able to care for my mum, AND I’m supported by my husband, which is a big thing, it’s the best in our circumstances at the moment. I’m only just able and I probably won’t be this time next year.
I don't think I could have coped if I had young children. I find it hard to cope and I am 61 no longer working and children have grown up. I do resent the fact that my life is no longer my own and all my plans have been laid to waste but dad is 88 next month so it won't go on forever.
Your mum is only 66 and could live for another 30 years so do not feel guilty. You have a family and they must come first, you are also working and cannot be expected to just give up your job. Don't let it spoil yours and your families lives, your mum has carers going in and they look after her.
I think most carers are struggling mostly with the sheer monotony of caring.
Fair point. I have two siblings too, one of whom did pretty much nothing except say ‘I don’t know what I can do’ when any issue came up. At least they seemed content to go along with my decisions which is not always the case. Sorry if I misunderstood you; it just touched a nerve as so many people are very judgmental when they have no idea what caring for a PWD involves.
