I Know It Is The Right Thing But It Doesn't Make It Easier

[Andyp101]

Hi everyone,

I have been looking after my Mum for two years now. She is in the final stages of the horrible condition. I regretfully came to the decision I had to place her into care. I had held off on doing this for as long as I can. Mum was getting worse. Usually sociable and elated, she was losing more and more of herself, becoming extremely difficult and unmanageable. (I hate to use that word but that was how it felt - like I was trying to juggle cats...Not that I have, but you know what I mean.)

I took advice from everyone off of here and I thank you for your support.

I accompanied her to the home this morning. It was horrible. For me. Mum was most of the time unaware. I told her it was a social club where she would meet other people like her, talk and 'have cake'. (The closing deal for Mum.) Throughout the car journey I was distracting her - 'Do you see this? Did you hear about that?' - and we got there without incident.

The home had suggested I drop her off and they would take her for a cup of tea. I would leave without goodbyes and not to visit for 10 days or so. I can ring but they would need time to settle her.

I struggled with this all weekend - how I was making too much of this, I can care for her, she is not so bad, etc. And then she was watching 'Songs Of Praise' this morning and a piece about maternity nurses had convinced her that she had given birth about (near as I could tell) an hour before.

It was time. It just hurts. I am fully convinced I am the World's Worst Son. I keep picturing her in her bedroom tonight shouting for me (as she does) in the dark.

Not a new thought but dementia hurts everyone around its primary sufferer.

 

[love.dad.but..]

It does hurt because you care and you are a really good son because you have found somewhere that she is safe and looked after. All homes have different suggestions of how soon to visit from their experience. Dad's NH told me I should do what feels right for me as no two new residents settling in are often the same and difficult to predict. I visited after 2 days. Some new residents settle in straightaway some like my dad take months..I too slipped out without saying goodbye having tricked him to get him there...first visit 2 days later he greeted me with thank goodness you came back for me and I knew I had done the right thing going in soon after...I can only imagine his 2 days of confusion where why and what!.Took 4 months settling in my dad's case and then it was only because of his decline in awareness rather than acceptance. Others have been through a 10 day or 2 week period settling in without seeing their loved one...I am not sure for some it makes much difference...they may not settle with or without a visit. I agree the staff need to get to know your loved one and likewise the pwd needs to adjust to new environment and routine but I couldn't have left dad for that long...seems harsh for the most important person in the pwd life to suddenly not be there when they can give reassurance and support and so think it is also upsetting for the carer. I planted a smile on my face and kept it there all visit ...prepared in my mind what I would say...love lies..to dads questions and telling me he was going etc and then cried all the way home. Perhaps when you phone in a couple of days broach the question of visiting sooner. Others will have different views

 

[pitufi]

Andy, be kind to yourself. You’ve done all that you could for mum.

Spend the next 10 days being mindful of your days, steer your thoughts towards the moment you find yourself in. Mum will be well looked after and they will be in touch if needed. In the meantime worrying or turning your thoughts to worst case scenarios will achieve nothing but your own misery and heartache.

I wish you well

 

[Scouts girl]

I lost my mum last November but am still suffering from the guilt of having to move her into a care home the previous year. I was reaching carers breakdown so the decision was more or less taken out of my hands and an emergency placement needed to be found which eventually came to be a permanent placement. I think because of the guilt I felt was that I couldn’t leave my mum to settle in without me and I visited her the next day and nearly every day for the time she was there. She never really settled in her care home even though she was getting amazing care and I knew she was safe and being looked after day and night. Whether that was the right thing to do, probably not, and seeing me every day must have made her think that she was coming home each time soon. However, I just didn’t have the heart not to visit because I did not want her to feel abandoned and lost. I, like you love,dad.but cried buckets every time I left her but never let mum see me so distressed. Of course you must do what you feel is best for yourself and your mum. It is just so hard isn’t it and I just hope, that in her own way, mum did forgive me and understood the reason why she needed the specialised care that I could no longer give her.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I lost my mum last November but am still suffering from the guilt of having to move her into a care home the previous year. I was reaching carers breakdown so the decision was more or less taken out of my hands and an emergency placement needed to be found which eventually came to be a permanent placement. I think because of the guilt I felt was that I couldn’t leave my mum to settle in without me and I visited her the next day and nearly every day for the time she was there. She never really settled in her care home even though she was getting amazing care and I knew she was safe and being looked after day and night. Whether that was the right thing to do, probably not, and seeing me every day must have made her think that she was coming home each time soon. However, I just didn’t have the heart not to visit because I did not want her to feel abandoned and lost. I, like you love,dad.but cried buckets every time I left her but never let mum see me so distressed. Of course you must do what you feel is best for yourself and your mum. It is just so hard isn’t it and I just hope, that in her own way, mum did forgive me and understood the reason why she needed the specialised care that I could no longer give her.

From my first visit I willingly visited every other day in the first few months particularly it was very hard but it worked for dad and for me. I was his only visitor apart from invisible siblings every few months which lessened to a couple of times a year. I always had in my mind something I read very early on 'when I no longer remember you please do not forget me' and even when dad didn't know who I was I still visited. Andyp 101 you must do what feels right whether it is waiting the 10 days suggested or going sooner...tbh dad would have been the same whether it was 2 or 10 days! Wwwhen you do go...maintain a lovely reassuring smile no matter how rotten you feel..leave coat etc in the Car...don't say goodbye say you are going to the toilet...wash up...make dinner etc. And remember it is the right decision at the right time and dementia made you make this decision and she is much loved. You are still her carer just now you have a team around you now

 

[marmarlade]

I lost my mum last November but am still suffering from the guilt of having to move her into a care home the previous year. I was reaching carers breakdown so the decision was more or less taken out of my hands and an emergency placement needed to be found which eventually came to be a permanent placement. I think because of the guilt I felt was that I couldn’t leave my mum to settle in without me and I visited her the next day and nearly every day for the time she was there. She never really settled in her care home even though she was getting amazing care and I knew she was safe and being looked after day and night. Whether that was the right thing to do, probably not, and seeing me every day must have made her think that she was coming home each time soon. However, I just didn’t have the heart not to visit because I did not want her to feel abandoned and lost. I, like you love,dad.but cried buckets every time I left her but never let mum see me so distressed. Of course you must do what you feel is best for yourself and your mum. It is just so hard isn’t it and I just hope, that in her own way, mum did forgive me and understood the reason why she needed the specialised care that I could no longer give her.

When hubby went into care I was the same .things settled down ,but after a year he had to be moved into nursing care home,I was so worried as he wouldnt know his room ,he wouldnt know any one,and would some one look after him at nights as he wandered about.ALL in vain he settled in this new home and not once asked to come home like he did at the other care home some timed it works out better than you think ,so look forward to your visits

 

[canary]

((((hugs)))) @Andyp101

The guilt monster is whispering in your ear - it whispers the same words into the ear of everyone who moves their PWD into a care home........... you are a bad son/daughter/husband/wife............ if you loved them you could have managed............ look they are better, you aught to bring them home............. and on and on.

Talking point has a large Guilt Monster Stick to give the guilt monster a bashing and get it off your shoulder - I will pass it on to you.

The truth is that you have done the very best for your mum by finding a good caring home where she will be looked after. You have not abandoned her, you will still be there, just not doing the heavy hands on caring. Dismiss the thought of your mum crying in the dark - thats why they have carers on duty during the night. When mum woke up distressed the carers would make her a cup of tea and find biscuits or cake. They would chat to her and when she was OK, put her back to bed.

Your mum will be fine. I didnt visit for a week when mum first went in and she survived.

 

[Andyp101]

Thank you to everyone for their kind words. Suddenly broke down while trying to make my tea tonight. I still feel I failed her. I know that she is getting more defined care now and that is what she needs. The care home staff tried to reassure me when I took her there this morning. They were all sympathetic, understanding. All the times I couldn't cope, I struggled with the demands of my Mum's dementia effects on her and me, now seem trivial. I am hoping she is okay.

 

[Helly68]

Andy it is very hard on everyone. I think though that you have made the right decision. When I I originally left my mum at the care home I couldn't stop crying. When I visited a few days later, she was gardening outside under supervision and very happy. It is natural that you feel guilty, but we couldn't keep her safe at home.