Doc is very concerned for me

[gene genie]

Hi all,as you may be aware my mum whose been in hospital since 23.11.17was due to be discharged on a full care package of 2 carers 4 times a day 2days of daycare plus early discharge support team of ongoing physio .
This weekend mum was transferred from the rehab unit to the main hospital as it now turns out she had hospital aqurired pnuemonia.
I can't seem to find out if she will be returning to the rehab unit(mum dead against it!)or if when the pnuemonia had been sorted she will be discharged from the main hospital.
To cut a long story as short as possible the discharge team advised a care home mum needs 24/7 care they say, mum has been deemed to have no capacity,however I wanted mum home & this is most definitely what mum wants,but I'm really really worried I won't cope with her at home,her mobility is almost non existent her attitude is difficult towards me at times and I have fibromyalgia.
Went for a docs appointment today for my fibromyalgia and ended up in tears ,my doctor is very concerned and wants me to think very carefully before mum is discharged,she's so concerned that she has prescribed a week's course of sleeping tablets so I can get some rest,as you can see they are not working, i cant eat or sleep for worrying ,feeling guilty, dreading mum coming home or possibly worse telling her she can't come home.
Although the s.w. st the rehab hospital who was on the discharge team agreed with me mum has lost capacity other staff who spoke to mum today for 40 mins don't seem to think so,I think that's hostess mode kicking in(new ward new staff etc)mum certainly doesn't believe that anything is wrong with her except her walkings a bit poor,which she says will be fine when she gets home!!!how this miracle is going to occur I don't know!
Please had anyone any answers 'cos just now I feel I want to run away from it all,I've already planned to say I'm not well Wednesday and Thursday(tummy bug) because I just need a break from hospital visiting or I feel I will go mad.
Am I being selfish I feel like a complete and utter expletive

 

[margherita]

now I feel I want to run away from it all,I've already planned to say I'm not well Wednesday and Thursday(tummy bug) because I just need a break from hospital visiting or I feel I will go mad.

Why shouldn't you " run away"?
You deserve and need two days off.
Don't feel guilty . Your health is at stake

 

[carolynp]

Dear Gene Genie I think you must listen to what is being said to you by your doctor. AND take action now, while your mother is still in hospital, because that will make the move to a care home easier. The hospital will be involved. In Australia at least, if you were to take her home, she would be "off the books", so to speak, and the whole process of THEN getting her into care could become very long indeed and far more painful personally for all involved.
I am sorry if I am writing too hastily but I am very concerned as we were in the same situation with my mother. (A stroke left her almost fully paralysed.) If we'd taken her home, as the hospital kept asking us to do - and they were not above putting us under emotional pressure - then it would have taken months and months of assessments to persuade the authorities she had to be taken into full time care. As it was, the hospital took responsibility. We had to declare that we were unable to look after her at home and she could not therefore be discharged into our care. This was VERY hard to do, emotionally - but thank goodness we did, as she did not improve and could only ever afterwards move her left arm, out of her whole body, for the rest of her life.
I believe strongly that however hard it is you are far better to take this step now rather than wait and see whether you can manage, when your doctor has warned you very clearly about the load this would be on your own health. You have to care for yourself or you cannot help your mother. I am writing in haste because there may not be many people awake yet to advise you. Sorry if I'm being too abrupt. Very best of luck - and please, please, take the step of a care home now. Carolyn.

 

[PJ]

Hi GG, I have to agree with the others, you really must put yourself first for your own sanity. After all how can you be of any help/support to your mum if you’re drained emotionally & physically.
Please put your own health first & give yourself the break you deserve. I hope whatever happens with your mums care it works out for both of you.
Take care x

 

[gene genie]

Hi GG, I have to agree with the others, you really must put yourself first for your own sanity. After all how can you be of any help/support to your mum if you’re drained emotionally & physically.
Please put your own health first & give yourself the break you deserve. I hope whatever happens with your mums care it works out for both of you.
Take care x

Logically I know what's right but how can I do this to her she will be absolutely heartbroken and so will I.Thanks for listening going to speak to s.w. later this week see if anything more be offered before I make the descion

 

[Lawson58]

It seems to me that in your heart you know what decision you need to make and indeed it sounds as if it is everyone's best interests that your mum needs to be in a home.

The thing about having to make any major decisions is that once we actually make them we always feel that a weight has been taken off our shoulders, that there is a huge sense of relief in having done so.

I understand that making that decision won't solve all your problems but I am sure it would alleviate a lot of the emotional tension you have at the moment. You sound so overwhelmed by it all and perhaps a heart to heart with your GP might be helpful as she sounds as if we she is very supportive.

 

[Amethyst59]

You need to provide the BEST care for your Mum...and however much you love her, it doesn’t create a magic atmosphere that can transform one tired and emotionally involved person, into a team of professionals. When she is settled into a care home (love lies, if needed...that it is for convalescence, on the doctors orders), then you can relax and be her loving daughter. She will need you as much as ever, but to be her daughter and not her carer. And yes, I do know how hard the decision is to make...my late husband died in a hospice, and not at home, as he had wanted...because I couldn’t care for him in the way the hospice could. And my present husband has just moved into a supported living apartment, because I could no longer provide care, day and night for him.
Sometimes the best way we can show our love, is not by doing everything ourselves...but by PROVIDING the best care.

 

[canary]

@Carmar has said everything I wanted to say - and better than I could have.

You know what the answer is, but the guilt monster is whispering in your ear telling you that you are a bad daughter and if you love your mum then you should carry on looking after her. None of this is true, you are a wonderful daughter who has tried everything and it is now too much for you.

You do not have to tell her that she is going into a care home and can never come back with you - I never did with my mum.
She too went into a care home from hospital and it is much the easier route. I told her that she was going to a much nicer hospital for convalescence. When she asked when she could go home I said I didnt know - it was up to the doctor.

Mum settled in her care home better than I ever expected. You will not have abandoned her - you will still be visiting and you will be her voice and advocate, check up on how she is, liaise with the care staff, monitor toiletries and clothes and buy new stuff. You will talk to her, entertain her and be the expert in her likes and dislikes. Its just that she will have moved home (like many other moves she has made) and you will no longer be doing the heavy hands on stuff.

 

[acorns]

Dear gene genie - I know I’d feel the same as you. It’s hard to advise as we don’t have a full picture. Here are some things to ask yourself or someone else:

- if she goes back to rehab hospital wd she have time to recover and stabilise a bit more?
- cd she go for a few weeks convalescence after that to see how she feels about a home?
- are you worrying because you know you won’t cope at home because it’s too much or because you aren’t confident about yr ability?
- do the drs think you won’t cope because you are so anxious or because it actually is too much to take on?
- if you have the funds cd you pay for full- time care for a week or two to get her settled at home then reduce it as you get to grips

Mum was in hospital and got pneumonia whilst there but recovered and is home. The main problem now is that she is off her feet. I’ve a care package and am paying privately for a bit more for a few weeks. The 2x4 wd work ok as it’s ev 4 hrs altho none overnight. Not nice to wait four hrs but weigh up pros and cons of home....

Hope this helps ....

 

[acorns]

Ps talk to the care agency about how they’d see it working and about any other aids you wd need.

 

[pitufi]

Hi all,as you may be aware my mum whose been in hospital since 23.11.17was due to be discharged on a full care package of 2 carers 4 times a day 2days of daycare plus early discharge support team of ongoing physio .
This weekend mum was transferred from the rehab unit to the main hospital as it now turns out she had hospital aqurired pnuemonia.
I can't seem to find out if she will be returning to the rehab unit(mum dead against it!)or if when the pnuemonia had been sorted she will be discharged from the main hospital.
To cut a long story as short as possible the discharge team advised a care home mum needs 24/7 care they say, mum has been deemed to have no capacity,however I wanted mum home & this is most definitely what mum wants,but I'm really really worried I won't cope with her at home,her mobility is almost non existent her attitude is difficult towards me at times and I have fibromyalgia.
Went for a docs appointment today for my fibromyalgia and ended up in tears ,my doctor is very concerned and wants me to think very carefully before mum is discharged,she's so concerned that she has prescribed a week's course of sleeping tablets so I can get some rest,as you can see they are not working, i cant eat or sleep for worrying ,feeling guilty, dreading mum coming home or possibly worse telling her she can't come home.
Although the s.w. st the rehab hospital who was on the discharge team agreed with me mum has lost capacity other staff who spoke to mum today for 40 mins don't seem to think so,I think that's hostess mode kicking in(new ward new staff etc)mum certainly doesn't believe that anything is wrong with her except her walkings a bit poor,which she says will be fine when she gets home!!!how this miracle is going to occur I don't know!
Please had anyone any answers 'cos just now I feel I want to run away from it all,I've already planned to say I'm not well Wednesday and Thursday(tummy bug) because I just need a break from hospital visiting or I feel I will go mad.
Am I being selfish I feel like a complete and utter expletive

You need to know that a care home will be a good thino for her even if she doesn’t seem to think so. There she will be safe and looked after, she will surrounded by peaople which will also be a good thing, we are social animals after all and even us loners need to know we are a part of something.

I hope you feel better knowing that guaranteed everyone replying will say that you are not selfish, that a home is the right way to go for mom and for you.

When I’m feeling down and sad about my mom being in a home I try to think about what she’d want for me if she could see the situation clearly and I know deep down she would want me to carry on as best as possible, cos she loves me and she’d understand why things had to go the way they did. And your mom would feel the same, she wouldn’t want you to get weaker and worse trying to take care of her, with her in a home, it will give you back some of your life and also let you be her daughter again.

You’ve done so well so far and no one would think of you as selfish, I hope you are ble to move forward and do the right thing for the two of you *hugs*

 

[Kikki21]

It’s all been said to you @gene genie & @Carmar really said it all but you do have to think of your own health & if you are not well then you can’t look after your mum as best as you could do & the warning bells are ringing out for you.

Please listen to the professionals & start to look at the care home options. My mum is exactly the same & thinks nothing is wrong with her & she can look after herself & we can move in with her & vice versa.

She does not understand the concept of work anymore or it flits in & our of her mind. It is really difficult but you will both be happier & you can be a daughter & not a carer. Big hugs xx