My dad has had a series of strokes over the past year. He had no lasting physical disabilities but it has affected his mental state and his stroke nurse has said he's showing early signs of dementia as he keeps repeating himself within minutes. The last two weeks though have been exhausting as he keeps accusing me of things such as planning to put him in a home (I'm not) and tells me to stop treating him like a kid, but he won't explain how I'm doing that. I try to change subject but he gets really angry and keeps shouting at me over and over repeating the same things then sulks. Then a few hours later he's back to being like a normal person and you wouldn't think there was anything wrong. He's always had a bit of a nasty streak but everyone else thinks he's such a lovely man because he's all jokey and funny with them but at home he turns nasty and always goes to bed in a sulk and has my mum in tears where he keeps accusing her of stuff. Mum and dad live with me and I work from home and do as much as I can for them but I end up crying on my own most nights because I feel so alone and feel sorry for my lovely mum. Even writing this the tears are flowing.
Just need to get it out
- Thread starter Hollyhock
- Start date
Im sorry to say that moods swings and nastiness are par for the course with dementia.
My OH is always accusing me of treating him like a child and its because he is feeling that he has no control over things. He is unaware that he is himself the problem and thinks it must be me.
PS welcome to talking point.
My OH is always accusing me of treating him like a child and its because he is feeling that he has no control over things. He is unaware that he is himself the problem and thinks it must be me.
PS welcome to talking point.
Hello @Hollyhock, welcome to TP. You will find this a friendly, informative and supportive place.
As canary has said, these mood swings are common. My OH going to bed in a sulk is also common in my life because a person with dementia(PWD) seems to be totally self absorbed and unable to empathise to any extent with anyone around them, even their nearest and dearest. I'm afraid that development of a very thick skin is required for one's own good. It's an unfair fact that the PWD will often forget about these things within minutes and leave the carer with the raised stress hormones, which isn't good. Try to take a few deep breaths and move on - it's hard, but it's the best thing.
Sometimes a PWD feels that they are losing themselves to the disease and this is why they react as they do. You may find it helps to involve them in as many as possible of the decisions and actions that make up their lives - give them co-ownership of decisions and tasks as it were. This may raise your Dad's self esteem and settle him somewhat. If that fails I don't know what else to suggest other that talking to his GP in case a review of any medication may assist. It's a waste of time and emotional energy trying to reason with a PWD as they lose the ability to think in a reasoned manner so don't go there as you will only hurt yourself.
BTW, this being nice to others can be what we call 'host/hostess' mode, where the person makes a huge effort to be normal when with others. This mode takes a lot of effort, can't be maintained and exhausts the PWD, possibly leaving them irritable. It's a frustration for carers, but I don't know of anything that can be done about it.
As a final note, keep posting if you need advice or just wish to vent. There will always be someone who understands here for you. Also, have a read at the following thread in case it would be of any value(just click on the following link):-
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
As canary has said, these mood swings are common. My OH going to bed in a sulk is also common in my life because a person with dementia(PWD) seems to be totally self absorbed and unable to empathise to any extent with anyone around them, even their nearest and dearest. I'm afraid that development of a very thick skin is required for one's own good. It's an unfair fact that the PWD will often forget about these things within minutes and leave the carer with the raised stress hormones, which isn't good. Try to take a few deep breaths and move on - it's hard, but it's the best thing.
Sometimes a PWD feels that they are losing themselves to the disease and this is why they react as they do. You may find it helps to involve them in as many as possible of the decisions and actions that make up their lives - give them co-ownership of decisions and tasks as it were. This may raise your Dad's self esteem and settle him somewhat. If that fails I don't know what else to suggest other that talking to his GP in case a review of any medication may assist. It's a waste of time and emotional energy trying to reason with a PWD as they lose the ability to think in a reasoned manner so don't go there as you will only hurt yourself.
BTW, this being nice to others can be what we call 'host/hostess' mode, where the person makes a huge effort to be normal when with others. This mode takes a lot of effort, can't be maintained and exhausts the PWD, possibly leaving them irritable. It's a frustration for carers, but I don't know of anything that can be done about it.
As a final note, keep posting if you need advice or just wish to vent. There will always be someone who understands here for you. Also, have a read at the following thread in case it would be of any value(just click on the following link):-
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Hi @Hollyhock, I can hardly say "Welcome" when I've only been a member for six days myself! But already it feels like home, which for a carer is a very comforting feeling. I can't really add anything to @karaokePete, who covers more ground than I possibly could, and whose post here has helped me too. So I'll just say that the moodiness is one of the most upsetting things to me, because soon afterwards, and certainly by the next morning, my husband (FTD) has forgotten what happened, and is all bright and sunny again, whereas I am still up on a high, lonely ledge with the wind whistling round me. He's also much, much nicer with other people. It's so maddening! I feel for you. Lots of sympathy. This is the right place you've come to. Everyone's lovely and the help is outstanding. Top quality and delivered promptly, with such heartfelt care and kindness. Good luck. Post again soon. Carolyn.
hello @Hollyhock, when I saw the title of your thread I thought, really must read this. I am struggling "big time", at moment. I have just deleted a huge reply to you, but want you to know I really do know where you are coming from especially about concern for your own health. Take care
Dear @silver star, how I’d love you not to have deleted your long post. No one minds. Some of us actually prefer the long ones, and are grateful for the company, being screed writers and - in my case, anyway - authors of numerous rants on this kind and welcoming site. Meanwhile I’m thinking of you and very best of good luck until you have the time and inclination to take up the thread again. Remember we all have the protection of anonymity. I say this because until recently I found it almost impossible to talk about issues relating to my husband with dementia. Once I overcame that hurdle of misplaced loyalty, it’s been easier, and so much of the burden of silence has been lifted from my shoulders. Bye for now. Carolyn.
Hi Hollyhock, I am so pleased that you (and carolynp) have already found TP welcoming and helpful. The advice given is so true in that the mood swings in a common symptom of dementia and unfortunately we all have to 'just deal with it'. When my Dad is upset over his behaviour and realises this is down to his illness, he sometimes speaks of it as a third person, so he may say something like 'it pushes me to go outside when I don't want to'. And at those times when he's not been nice to me, I have to say in my mind that it's not him, it's the illness that doing that.
I can recall one particular nasty time when he more or less threatened me, and after having an argument with him (not a good move), I changed the TV channel from crime/police reality programme to a comedy drama in which his mood lightened and he was his loveable self again from the person I was just scared of 20 mins before. Unbelievable. My commonsense is always placed like this and there are times I do get upset at his mood change but I then do try not to fall for it.
Please also take a moment to take care of yourself, even if this means going somewhere for a few hours to chill out and de-stress, i.e a local sauna. Then perhaps your Mum can do the same while you look after him. I wish I could have done this with my Mum, so please ensure the both of you do this for your own health. All the best to you xx
I am always being told by my son that I should look after myself, but it seems so selfish. I have booked to go the the dentist which I hope will not be too painful but also to go to a Carers training group which I am very apprensive about. I don't feel ready to open up my soul to strangers who are probably only there to tell me their problems.
I should not feel responsible for my wife's Alzheimers but I do and it is such a great burden for me.
Moving to be nearer to my family, was it a good move? I don't know yet and especially as I have to lock the front door of my flat as there is a wandering lady who visits with her dirty washing.
How do I get more sleep please?
But at least I am enjoying worrying, which I have always been good at.
Finally after writing the above I feel a bit better and after careers in farming, engineering, sailor, father. fire brigading, HGV driver and ended up working in a library I should think of Caring as my new career and hopefully do as well in that.
Cheerio
I should not feel responsible for my wife's Alzheimers but I do and it is such a great burden for me.
Moving to be nearer to my family, was it a good move? I don't know yet and especially as I have to lock the front door of my flat as there is a wandering lady who visits with her dirty washing.
How do I get more sleep please?
But at least I am enjoying worrying, which I have always been good at.
Finally after writing the above I feel a bit better and after careers in farming, engineering, sailor, father. fire brigading, HGV driver and ended up working in a library I should think of Caring as my new career and hopefully do as well in that.
Cheerio
