What now ?

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
I’m struggling at the moment with what to do now that my husband has gone into care
I looked after him for 5years with his increasing Alzheimer’s and he’s now living in luxurious care home with one to one care which is costing a fortune
I’m left in our home with hardly any money to live on and feel totally broken
I am tearful and emotional most of the time at 64 I could
Realistically have another 20 years of active life but where do I start!
I’m not a widow so can’t do online dating but would like male friends how do I move on ?
Sorry if this sounds as though I’m wallowing in self pity but I feel lost broken and weak after my ordeal with my husband
And I wonder how many others are in the same situation
Thank goodness for TP
Hi wink62, I just thought I would ask how you are as I see you have a life with your hubby in care.
Thankyou for replying it was really important to me for people to feel how i was feeling about my hubby and possible care .
I have already had a visit and put the ball rolling ,so to speak but a checklist and financial assessment will be done next Thursday.
Now I'm worrying that I will be left with not so much and not be able to live good ,I was awake all last night because I have no idea what is about to happen .
I suppose each case is different and I will have to wait and see ,not sure how long maybe a few months .xx
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
Just an update on my position after an impulsive decision was made when a situation tipped me over the edge and after 6 years of caring and dressing and being mentally worn down my lovely hubby is going into care come Monday .
The social worker involved got things moving and when a convenient place nearby was available it felt right to accept .It was determined today that he is not capable to make his own decisions
and has no capacity .He is to have another assessment soon for CHC care which I new nothing about ,whether or not he gets it is to be determined while in care attended by a nurse..
I'm very sad but also at 67years old I can maybe grab a life not like we had but there's lots of ways to enjoy life ,I do feel relief descending on me .
I should say my hubby is in the final phases, guilty I am not but proud to have cared and struggled with sleepless nights and now I will visit with a different calmness ,(I hope).
Much love to all xxxx
 

JaquelineM

Registered User
Jan 8, 2017
162
0
north london
Hello Caz60 I am glad that you have got the ball rolling with getting you husband into care , I think it is probably quite often an "impulsive" decision , when something tips you over the edge , it was certainly like that in my case , a feeling that something has finally snapped and there is no way to carry on . Good that they have found somewhere for him to go nearby , I do hope it all works out well for you . xxx
 

JaquelineM

Registered User
Jan 8, 2017
162
0
north london
P.S. Caz60 from where I am standing, at 67 you are a spring chicken !!! , I'm sure you will be able to grab a life in due course , naturally you feel sad but relief is normal as well , my house feels unimaginably peaceful to me without OH rampaging about all the time . I am 76 and am now going to three dance classes a week ( for oldies ) and loving it !
 

Ruskin

Registered User
Feb 14, 2018
30
0
I’m struggling at the moment with what to do now that my husband has gone into care
I looked after him for 5years with his increasing Alzheimer’s and he’s now living in luxurious care home with one to one care which is costing a fortune
I’m left in our home with hardly any money to live on and feel totally broken
I am tearful and emotional most of the time at 64 I could
Realistically have another 20 years of active life but where do I start!
I’m not a widow so can’t do online dating but would like male friends how do I move on ?
Sorry if this sounds as though I’m wallowing in self pity but I feel lost broken and weak after my ordeal with my husband
And I wonder how many others are in the same situation
Thank goodness for TP

First of all, you did it, well done. Against all the odds, you got your man into a decent care home. It may have left your bank balance looking sad, but just keep reminding yourself, you had entered this five year journey with love and compassion, so please don't let the dementia linger on in your life, in your home. You have done your bit, now let the professionals do theirs.

Where would I start if I were in your position, I'd start by calling in a few of the girls, half a dozen bottles of wine, and a huge roll of bin liners, and start getting the war zone cleared up, because lady, you are going to need some space to entertain some new friends!

No, you're not a widow, but I still cant see any reason for you not having some fun, unless it is of your moral choice, which is entirely up to you.

At the moment you are wallowing, you are broken, you are weak, but your ordeal has now ended, and this is now your time. It is not only the ordeal that's taken it out of you. You've had five years of broken nights sleep, five years of erratic eating habits, five years of dealing with medics and families, five years of constant filth and noise. Hey, give yourself a break, It has not been a bed of roses has it.

I'm sure there are hundreds of women like you, who are going through the same situation, and they need help. You have looked after your very sick man for five years, shouldn't take you long to whip the girl contingent back into shape.

Life is too short to ponder on what has passed, so put it to be, and move on.

Take care
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
P.S. Caz60 from where I am standing, at 67 you are a spring chicken !!! , I'm sure you will be able to grab a life in due course , naturally you feel sad but relief is normal as well , my house feels unimaginably peaceful to me without OH rampaging about all the time . I am 76 and am now going to three dance classes a week ( for oldies ) and loving it !
Oh you're a woman after my heart I love dancing and I'm going back to yoga and walking in the sunshine ,just simple things ....thankyou for your uplifting words ...i love the people on tp they are our saviours..
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
First of all, you did it, well done. Against all the odds, you got your man into a decent care home. It may have left your bank balance looking sad, but just keep reminding yourself, you had entered this five year journey with love and compassion, so please don't let the dementia linger on in your life, in your home. You have done your bit, now let the professionals do theirs.

Where would I start if I were in your position, I'd start by calling in a few of the girls, half a dozen bottles of wine, and a huge roll of bin liners, and start getting the war zone cleared up, because lady, you are going to need some space to entertain some new friends!

No, you're not a widow, but I still cant see any reason for you not having some fun, unless it is of your moral choice, which is entirely up to you.

At the moment you are wallowing, you are broken, you are weak, but your ordeal has now ended, and this is now your time. It is not only the ordeal that's taken it out of you. You've had five years of broken nights sleep, five years of erratic eating habits, five years of dealing with medics and families, five years of constant filth and noise. Hey, give yourself a break, It has not been a bed of roses has it.

I'm sure there are hundreds of women like you, who are going through the same situation, and they need help. You have looked after your very sick man for five years, shouldn't take you long to whip the girl contingent back into shape.

Life is too short to ponder on what has passed, so put it to be, and move on.

Take care
Thankyou for your reply I can't believe when I look back how much I have done and how much I have missed out on .I will be glad when he's in and I can move on ...roll on Monday .
I'm saying this because I feel strong and determined to survive,it was only before Christmas I was so depressed just didn't want to fit in anywhere .
Courage and love to all of youxxx
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
First of all, you did it, well done. Against all the odds, you got your man into a decent care home. It may have left your bank balance looking sad, but just keep reminding yourself, you had entered this five year journey with love and compassion, so please don't let the dementia linger on in your life, in your home. You have done your bit, now let the professionals do theirs.

Where would I start if I were in your position, I'd start by calling in a few of the girls, half a dozen bottles of wine, and a huge roll of bin liners, and start getting the war zone cleared up, because lady, you are going to need some space to entertain some new friends!

No, you're not a widow, but I still cant see any reason for you not having some fun, unless it is of your moral choice, which is entirely up to you.

At the moment you are wallowing, you are broken, you are weak, but your ordeal has now ended, and this is now your time. It is not only the ordeal that's taken it out of you. You've had five years of broken nights sleep, five years of erratic eating habits, five years of dealing with medics and families, five years of constant filth and noise. Hey, give yourself a break, It has not been a bed of roses has it.

I'm sure there are hundreds of women like you, who are going through the same situation, and they need help. You have looked after your very sick man for five years, shouldn't take you long to whip the girl contingent back into shape.

Life is too short to ponder on what has passed, so put it to be, and move on.

Take care
Thankyou for your kind words I'm still in disbelief that I'm in this position life as I knew it is coming to an end but onwards an upwards.xxxxxxmuch love
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
P.S. Caz60 from where I am standing, at 67 you are a spring chicken !!! , I'm sure you will be able to grab a life in due course , naturally you feel sad but relief is normal as well , my house feels unimaginably peaceful to me without OH rampaging about all the time . I am 76 and am now going to three dance classes a week ( for oldies ) and loving it !
I'm also looking towards peace .....its such a treasure,let's hope all goes well I know it won't be easy but at least I can be assured I can sleep at night.....
Much love xxxxx
 

Ruskin

Registered User
Feb 14, 2018
30
0
First of all, you did it, well done. Against all the odds, you got your man into a decent care home. It may have left your bank balance looking sad, but just keep reminding yourself, you had entered this five year journey with love and compassion, so please don't let the dementia linger on in your life, in your home. You have done your bit, now let the professionals do theirs.

Where would I start if I were in your position, I'd start by calling in a few of the girls, half a dozen bottles of wine, and a huge roll of bin liners, and start getting the war zone cleared up, because lady, you are going to need some space to entertain some new friends!

No, you're not a widow, but I still cant see any reason for you not having some fun, unless it is of your moral choice, which is entirely up to you.

At the moment you are wallowing, you are broken, you are weak, but your ordeal has now ended, and this is now your time. It is not only the ordeal that's taken it out of you. You've had five years of broken nights sleep, five years of erratic eating habits, five years of dealing with medics and families, five years of constant filth and noise. Hey, give yourself a break, It has not been a bed of roses has it.

I'm sure there are hundreds of women like you, who are going through the same situation, and they need help. You have looked after your very sick man for five years, shouldn't take you long to whip the girl contingent back into shape.

Life is too short to ponder on what has passed, so put it to be, and move on.

Take care
You are more than welcome Hun, and be sure you let me know how your hot date goes. He better be cute missy. Better still, cute and loaded : )
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
First of all, you did it, well done. Against all the odds, you got your man into a decent care home. It may have left your bank balance looking sad, but just keep reminding yourself, you had entered this five year journey with love and compassion, so please don't let the dementia linger on in your life, in your home. You have done your bit, now let the professionals do theirs.

Where would I start if I were in your position, I'd start by calling in a few of the girls, half a dozen bottles of wine, and a huge roll of bin liners, and start getting the war zone cleared up, because lady, you are going to need some space to entertain some new friends!

No, you're not a widow, but I still cant see any reason for you not having some fun, unless it is of your moral choice, which is entirely up to you.

At the moment you are wallowing, you are broken, you are weak, but your ordeal has now ended, and this is now your time. It is not only the ordeal that's taken it out of you. You've had five years of broken nights sleep, five years of erratic eating habits, five years of dealing with medics and families, five years of constant filth and noise. Hey, give yourself a break, It has not been a bed of roses has it.

I'm sure there are hundreds of women like you, who are going through the same situation, and they need help. You have looked after your very sick man for five years, shouldn't take you long to whip the girl contingent back into shape.

Life is too short to ponder on what has passed, so put it to be, and move on.

Take care
Firstly apologies for only just replying if been away
Thank you for your kind reply I’m feeling a bit better now I read a great quote
“My heart is broken but it will mend and I will dance again “
This encouraged me to try online dating for mature people in my area and I have been chatting online to a lovely man who is recently widowed and we are going to meet up for a coffee
I don’t feel guilty I’m still spending a lot of time with my husband but I need to move on now not wait until he passes away which could be a while yet
Thank you for your kind encouragement
Wendy
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Hi wink62, I just thought I would ask how you are as I see you have a life with your hubby in care.
Thankyou for replying it was really important to me for people to feel how i was feeling about my hubby and possible care .
I have already had a visit and put the ball rolling ,so to speak but a checklist and financial assessment will be done next Thursday.
Now I'm worrying that I will be left with not so much and not be able to live good ,I was awake all last night because I have no idea what is about to happen .
I suppose each case is different and I will have to wait and see ,not sure how long maybe a few months .xx

Hi well I’m 3 months on my own now and money is short as I’m paying all my husbands 2pensions to the care home plus a £400 top up but it’s so worth it !pension credit is available if you have less than £10000 savings and this gives you other benefits like no council tax to pay don’t worry it will all work out for you
 

Caz60

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
253
0
Lancashire
Hi well I’m 3 months on my own now and money is short as I’m paying all my husbands 2pensions to the care home plus a £400 top up but it’s so worth it !pension credit is available if you have less than £10000 savings and this gives you other benefits like no council tax to pay don’t worry it will all work out for you
Thankyou for your reassurance I'm still in the middle of assessments not had financial one done yet...Hes been assessed as needing a nursing home and funded by the nhs,but still got the care side to sort out a week on Thursday.
I'm glad you are getting on with life ..you so deserve it .I understand money situation will not be the same but other people manage so we will have to ..Heres to you ,much love xx
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Keep strong you will make it and although you feel broken now you will mend and dance again !!
Be firm with officials stand your ground they have to take the responsibility from you it’s a job for the professionals x
 

john1939

Registered User
Sep 21, 2017
200
0
Newtownabbey
Hello,I believe that there is a limit to self sacrifice and caring. No matter how devoted one is to a spouse or partner when dementia takes it's toll that person is no longer the one we once knew.
Caring 24/7 usually leads to the neglect of friends and the abandonment of other activities, life closes in and you find that caring is the sole reason for your existence. This is a very unhealthy situation.
I find myself resenting my wife when she questions me endlessly about where I went when I was out food shopping, it seems that I can't do anything without having to account for myself. The doctor said it was due to paranoia caused by Alzheimers.
I go to a hobby club twice a month and have several friends there, both male and female, and I value this greatly, so I would say that no carer should feel inhibited about making new friends or taking up new activities when time allows, especially if their spouse or partner is in full time care.
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Hello,I believe that there is a limit to self sacrifice and caring. No matter how devoted one is to a spouse or partner when dementia takes it's toll that person is no longer the one we once knew.
Caring 24/7 usually leads to the neglect of friends and the abandonment of other activities, life closes in and you find that caring is the sole reason for your existence. This is a very unhealthy situation.
I find myself resenting my wife when she questions me endlessly about where I went when I was out food shopping, it seems that I can't do anything without having to account for myself. The doctor said it was due to paranoia caused by Alzheimers.
I go to a hobby club twice a month and have several friends there, both male and female, and I value this greatly, so I would say that no carer should feel inhibited about making new friends or taking up new activities when time allows, especially if their spouse or partner is in full time care.
 

wink62

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
32
0
Thank you John I refuse to feel guilty for trying to rebuild my shattered life this situation is far more complex than widowhood
I’m meeting up with someone for a coffee next week he’s recently widowed and we have been chatting online for sometime now
I hope that we will form a friendship but who knows anyway I’m giving it a go
Hopefully your journey will come to an agreeable end soon take good care of your self