My husband has vascular dementia and is 53 of late he seems to want sex all the time i find myself screaming in my head and feel pressured as he gets mad if i say no.Anybody have any advice for me I'm desperate
Husbands list for sex all the time
- Thread starter rubiemarie
- Start date
hello @rubiemarie
and welcome to TP
this, sadly, has come up a few times as a worry - I guess it's part of the losing of inhibitions that comes with dementia for some
do have a chat with your GP as there may be meds, or a tweak of your husband's meds, that will help him 'calm down'
there's a page on the main AS site that may be relevant
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20029/daily_living/12/sex_and_intimate_relationships/3
and welcome to TP
this, sadly, has come up a few times as a worry - I guess it's part of the losing of inhibitions that comes with dementia for some
do have a chat with your GP as there may be meds, or a tweak of your husband's meds, that will help him 'calm down'
there's a page on the main AS site that may be relevant
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20029/daily_living/12/sex_and_intimate_relationships/3
Hello @rubiemarie. Welcome to Talking Point.
There may be many who will be able to offer some constructive advice but I can only suggest you ask your GP if there's any help they can give you.
There may be many who will be able to offer some constructive advice but I can only suggest you ask your GP if there's any help they can give you.
Thank you might try docs as he also has heart condition and type 1 diabetes so don't won't to mess with his meds but am desperate .Can't deal with the moods saying no brings .
hi @rubiemarie
maybe try not saying the word no, or appearing negative - this can be a red rag ... - I'm not saying give in every time, especially if you don't want to - sadly some with dementia also lose any empathy for anyone else's feelings and don't take them into account considering only their own needs/wants, which is very tricky with intimate relations
instead find a way to acknowledge what your husband has said and also redirect/distract
eg "that's a nice thought, maybe after we've done (made up, or real, task) and how about a coffee and that lovely chocolate cake ..." with you walking away
or "I'm a bit hungry, let's have lunch and then we can see, there's some lovely (whatever food he enjoys) .." and walk off into the kitchen
I mention food as it's often a useful distraction and appeals to another basic need
sorry if this is far too simplistic
do you have a lock on the bathroom door, as a long loo visit may help?
maybe try not saying the word no, or appearing negative - this can be a red rag ... - I'm not saying give in every time, especially if you don't want to - sadly some with dementia also lose any empathy for anyone else's feelings and don't take them into account considering only their own needs/wants, which is very tricky with intimate relations
instead find a way to acknowledge what your husband has said and also redirect/distract
eg "that's a nice thought, maybe after we've done (made up, or real, task) and how about a coffee and that lovely chocolate cake ..." with you walking away
or "I'm a bit hungry, let's have lunch and then we can see, there's some lovely (whatever food he enjoys) .." and walk off into the kitchen
I mention food as it's often a useful distraction and appeals to another basic need
sorry if this is far too simplistic
do you have a lock on the bathroom door, as a long loo visit may help?
Hi rubiemarie
Hi rubiemarie, until recently I had a similar situation with my wife and she's 20 years older than your hubbie! It is jaw droppingly difficult to deal with. In our case I explained, very gently, that we for medical reasons we couldn't do this any more and that I was truly sorry. After sometime she got used to the idea and dropped the subject.
Without wishing to pry, is it moods you have to deal with, or is he more physically pushy about it? Because if the former, management techniques might be the way to go, but if the latter you definitely need more medical intervention in my view. Plus management of course, but I'm concerned about your safety.
So v sorry to hear this. After years of insistent sex, I had two years of accelerating demands and was on the point of leaving home. One episode overheard by 11year old granddaughter which I told him had happened. Told me to say he was having a bad dream etc. Too true but the dream was mine. Had to barricade myself into bedroom with weapon handy. Finally got him to docs on another matter. Medication offered and reluctantly taken. Gradually after Alzheimer's diagnosis he calmed into grumpy resignation. Still uneasy at times but manageable. Think I struggled too long and don't know why now. Don't! Can only suggest urgent medical advice. Memory Clinic visit helped but OH will have to cooperate in this. I had to pass note to doc before appointment as there was no way I could speak out in front of him. Clinic staff seemed to understand both sides better than GP. Don't think this will have helped, other than to know other people have similar experience.
Thank you great to no I'm not alone will definitely see gp on Monday again thanks
hi @rubiemarie
I wonder whether there is an Admiral Nurse in your area; though if not they have a Helpline too - the nurses are there specifically to support carers, so are well worth chatting to about anything that would help you as carer
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
and have you had an assessment of your husband's care needs by your Local Authority Adult Services - he may not be in need of home care visits for personal care but a care package could include some time at a day care centre and a sitter - that would give you some time to yourself (and every carer deserves some me time) yet you'd know he was being well looked after at his 'lunch club'
you too have a right to a carer's assessment, and might get some respite from that
I wonder whether there is an Admiral Nurse in your area; though if not they have a Helpline too - the nurses are there specifically to support carers, so are well worth chatting to about anything that would help you as carer
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
and have you had an assessment of your husband's care needs by your Local Authority Adult Services - he may not be in need of home care visits for personal care but a care package could include some time at a day care centre and a sitter - that would give you some time to yourself (and every carer deserves some me time) yet you'd know he was being well looked after at his 'lunch club'
you too have a right to a carer's assessment, and might get some respite from that
Be aware that medication is short term intended to break the cycle. You will also need the avoidance suggestions other members have offered. It has taken a year for me andOH to reach this compromise. The progress of the dementia also eased matters, which is a sad thing to have to admit. Heartfelt best wishes for your situation. I hope your GP is familiar with this variation of a dreadful disease. Take care of yourself.
Thank you he can still do a lot for himself but just this seems to have become heightened so trying to talk about it isn't working and the more I avoid him the angrier he gets he won't go to any groups as he is adamant the consultant got the diagnosis wrong
I feel your pain. There's no way on this planet that I will make love with my OH. We've only been together for 6 years and we get dealt this Dementia blow (2 years ago) but I've told him that unless he showers more and changes his clothes I can't and won't do it. He's not the man I met and fell in love with anymore but I still love him and will look after him to the best of my ability. (Although I'm almost at meltdown). I can do most things but the buck stops here. Please don't do anything that you don't want to do. My OH has given up on it now, Thank Goodness.
Ok, I'm going to regret this about half a second after I've posted it, but what the heck... what's life for if not making mistakes you lie awake cringing about for the next decade? Or three.
WARNING: May contain nuts.
Testosterone is a tricky thing at the best of times. It doesn't like to be ignored for too long, so many of us are used to finding a bit of sneaky me time to de-stress whether we're in relationships or not. I can only imagine how, relieved of my inhibitions and problem-solving faculties by dementia, hormonal tension might become troublesome... both for myself and those around me.
It seems to me there's a range of options. Not all will be suitable or even remotely acceptable to all people. But dementia teaches us to face up to every aspect of the human condition in ways we never thought we'd have to.
(1) Medicinal; make the problem go away. I sometimes think life would be simpler if all men were medicated. Socrates or Sophocles or some other ancient Greek (probably not Demis Roussos, because he went on Forever and Ever) is supposed to have said something like 'losing my libido was like being unchained from a madman'. There's a large chunk of truth to that. And if you're on a diet, or can't remember the last time you ate, all you can think about is that packet of Hobnobs.
(2) Your partner is probably unable to organise 'me time' any more, so being left alone with adult material (in print or on a screen) might help. Or create more problems. That's dementia for you.
(3) Ok, I'm going to say it... sorry! Five minutes of manual relief may be far easier to manage than ten hours of distraction. Now let's pretend I didn't say that, ok?
(4) Patience. As another 53 year old I can safely say things ain't what they used to be.
Good luck with everything, not just this. The closest I've had to intimate problems with dementia was when my mother got angry at me in public again, declaring: "And we're never having sex again!"
I've never been so happy to have no sex in all my life! It's bad enough being a single weirdo looking after his mother at the best of times, but the earth couldn't swallow me fast enough at that moment. It did make me wonder about putting a bolt on my bedroom door though. Except then I might not hear when she has nightmares or can't find the loo.
The things you end up having to contemplate, eh? I watched that Victoria Derbyshire thing earlier in the week and wondered whether they were talking about the same condition I was dealing with. It all seemed so much more civilised and in control. I aim for the calm swan with the wildly paddling feet under the surface, but usually I feel more like I've got a face full of mud with my legs thrashing uselessly in the air.
I suspect this post proves that.
WARNING: May contain nuts.
Testosterone is a tricky thing at the best of times. It doesn't like to be ignored for too long, so many of us are used to finding a bit of sneaky me time to de-stress whether we're in relationships or not. I can only imagine how, relieved of my inhibitions and problem-solving faculties by dementia, hormonal tension might become troublesome... both for myself and those around me.
It seems to me there's a range of options. Not all will be suitable or even remotely acceptable to all people. But dementia teaches us to face up to every aspect of the human condition in ways we never thought we'd have to.
(1) Medicinal; make the problem go away. I sometimes think life would be simpler if all men were medicated. Socrates or Sophocles or some other ancient Greek (probably not Demis Roussos, because he went on Forever and Ever) is supposed to have said something like 'losing my libido was like being unchained from a madman'. There's a large chunk of truth to that. And if you're on a diet, or can't remember the last time you ate, all you can think about is that packet of Hobnobs.
(2) Your partner is probably unable to organise 'me time' any more, so being left alone with adult material (in print or on a screen) might help. Or create more problems. That's dementia for you.
(3) Ok, I'm going to say it... sorry! Five minutes of manual relief may be far easier to manage than ten hours of distraction. Now let's pretend I didn't say that, ok?
(4) Patience. As another 53 year old I can safely say things ain't what they used to be.
Good luck with everything, not just this. The closest I've had to intimate problems with dementia was when my mother got angry at me in public again, declaring: "And we're never having sex again!"
I've never been so happy to have no sex in all my life! It's bad enough being a single weirdo looking after his mother at the best of times, but the earth couldn't swallow me fast enough at that moment. It did make me wonder about putting a bolt on my bedroom door though. Except then I might not hear when she has nightmares or can't find the loo.
The things you end up having to contemplate, eh? I watched that Victoria Derbyshire thing earlier in the week and wondered whether they were talking about the same condition I was dealing with. It all seemed so much more civilised and in control. I aim for the calm swan with the wildly paddling feet under the surface, but usually I feel more like I've got a face full of mud with my legs thrashing uselessly in the air.
I suspect this post proves that.
Ok, I'm going to regret this about half a second after I've posted it, but what the heck... what's life for if not making mistakes you lie awake cringing about for the next decade? Or three.
WARNING: May contain nuts.
Testosterone is a tricky thing at the best of times. It doesn't like to be ignored for too long, so many of us are used to finding a bit of sneaky me time to de-stress whether we're in relationships or not. I can only imagine how, relieved of my inhibitions and problem-solving faculties by dementia, hormonal tension might become troublesome... both for myself and those around me.
It seems to me there's a range of options. Not all will be suitable or even remotely acceptable to all people. But dementia teaches us to face up to every aspect of the human condition in ways we never thought we'd have to.
(1) Medicinal; make the problem go away. I sometimes think life would be simpler if all men were medicated. Socrates or Sophocles or some other ancient Greek (probably not Demis Roussos, because he went on Forever and Ever) is supposed to have said something like 'losing my libido was like being unchained from a madman'. There's a large chunk of truth to that. And if you're on a diet, or can't remember the last time you ate, all you can think about is that packet of Hobnobs.
(2) Your partner is probably unable to organise 'me time' any more, so being left alone with adult material (in print or on a screen) might help. Or create more problems. That's dementia for you.
(3) Ok, I'm going to say it... sorry! Five minutes of manual relief may be far easier to manage than ten hours of distraction. Now let's pretend I didn't say that, ok?
(4) Patience. As another 53 year old I can safely say things ain't what they used to be.
Good luck with everything, not just this. The closest I've had to intimate problems with dementia was when my mother got angry at me in public again, declaring: "And we're never having sex again!"
I've never been so happy to have no sex in all my life! It's bad enough being a single weirdo looking after his mother at the best of times, but the earth couldn't swallow me fast enough at that moment. It did make me wonder about putting a bolt on my bedroom door though. Except then I might not hear when she has nightmares or can't find the loo.
The things you end up having to contemplate, eh? I watched that Victoria Derbyshire thing earlier in the week and wondered whether they were talking about the same condition I was dealing with. It all seemed so much more civilised and in control. I aim for the calm swan with the wildly paddling feet under the surface, but usually I feel more like I've got a face full of mud with my legs thrashing uselessly in the air.
I suspect this post proves that.
great post. I read this thread before you posted and wanted to suggest (3) but wasnt sure how to word it. You said it just fine.
The problem can come, though, if your partner changes in, um, tastes to ways that you are not comfortable with.
The last time OH and I had sex he hurt me, I ended up with tears running down my face and he didnt even notice. Eventually I had to ask him to stop and, of course, that was the only bit that he remembered.
After that I could not bear him to touch me and I could/would not have sex with him again.
But what to do? I could/would not acquiesce. No point in trying to explain why or what the problem was (we all know how well that goes with dementia). So that just leaves ten hours of distraction............
The last time OH and I had sex he hurt me, I ended up with tears running down my face and he didnt even notice. Eventually I had to ask him to stop and, of course, that was the only bit that he remembered.
After that I could not bear him to touch me and I could/would not have sex with him again.
But what to do? I could/would not acquiesce. No point in trying to explain why or what the problem was (we all know how well that goes with dementia). So that just leaves ten hours of distraction............
Identical here. I'm the one who's weird, losing it, needs to get looked at. Hang in. It's that or run away.
I feel so ashamed to say this, we always had a healthy sex life but I just can’t do it anymore. He doesn’t shower or wash until pushed to it, I even hate being in the same bed because of it, the sheets smell yet I change them regularly. I love him to bits but it seems at times he is a stranger rather than someone I have known since I was 17. He never pushes the subject which is one thing. God I feel awful now !
