❤️ Love lies
- Thread starter yak55
- Start date
Not forgetting..'I don't know I will find out and let you know'' to anything that from my dad sounded vaguely like an unanswerable question. The difficulty I remember in having not understood dad's questions because of his incoherent words so replying 'ok I will see...' to give myself thinking time only to see his face light up so obviously I was agreeing to something...but goodness knows what! I used to say 'oh dear' to anything that sounded like my reply needed to show sympathy.
I,too, have become a liar, it is so hard to start with,as this is my mum..and she still tells me to be careful on the road, I have come to terms with lieing,as I went through the pain and distress of trying to be honest, it was utterly pointless as mum forgot instantly,all it acheived was upsetting her
Now she is I the care home I feel as if I am continually lieing.
She wants to go home,last visit she said she would be forgetting how to do things for herself if she stayed any longer, luckily her leg and mobility is so bad that I use that as the reason the Dr wants her to stay a little longer,
I feel dreadful that her home has been stripped of all the things she kept all the years there. I don't speak about anything house related as I would get upset.
I feel deceitful that I cant tell her that her house will have to be sold..and that the home is expensive,she is so funny about money,saying she hadn't ever had any,and I know if she thought her life savings were being eaten up at this huge rate..she would be so distressed. The only thing that makes it worth the lies etc,is the fact she is safe,warm and not alone. I just go along with her, it really is pointless to do otherwise, she would be distressed..and then forget..round and round.
We were lieing to her about her cats as they have been rehomed, luckily she has stopped asking after them..it us,wearing at times, but knowing she forgets anything she us told almost immediately makes us realuse there's no point worrying about the truth any more
Now she is I the care home I feel as if I am continually lieing.
She wants to go home,last visit she said she would be forgetting how to do things for herself if she stayed any longer, luckily her leg and mobility is so bad that I use that as the reason the Dr wants her to stay a little longer,
I feel dreadful that her home has been stripped of all the things she kept all the years there. I don't speak about anything house related as I would get upset.
I feel deceitful that I cant tell her that her house will have to be sold..and that the home is expensive,she is so funny about money,saying she hadn't ever had any,and I know if she thought her life savings were being eaten up at this huge rate..she would be so distressed. The only thing that makes it worth the lies etc,is the fact she is safe,warm and not alone. I just go along with her, it really is pointless to do otherwise, she would be distressed..and then forget..round and round.
We were lieing to her about her cats as they have been rehomed, luckily she has stopped asking after them..it us,wearing at times, but knowing she forgets anything she us told almost immediately makes us realuse there's no point worrying about the truth any more
Entering your Mum's reality is a great way of putting it and sounds much more positive than telling lies!
Gotta put a good spin on it! X
Lies of omission are just as tricky. My parents have no idea that I split up with my partner of 16+ years nearly a year ago. They are very fond of him and it would only upset them to know that - then they would forget what I had told them anyway! For now, I have neither the time nor the energy for a new relationship, but if it were to happen, it makes me smile to wonder how I might explain that my 6ft tall, white boyfriend has, say, turned black and grown five inches...though maybe by the time I do have a new partner, they might not recognise me, let alone my ex!
Yes, I too am a 'love liar' - guilty as charged!
I try hard to remember that my Mum (PWD) always told me that there were black lies that were nasty and not good at all, and little white lies that were untruths, but said to avoid hurting someone else's feelings or to avoid unhappiness. My life with Mum is now full of little white love lies!
When I think of all the untruthful things Mum told me before she was diagnosed. That I believed because at that point I had no reason to doubt her word. Then acted upon .... probably causing lots of distress to innocent parties.
I think a few love lies now, redresses the balance just a little.
I try hard to remember that my Mum (PWD) always told me that there were black lies that were nasty and not good at all, and little white lies that were untruths, but said to avoid hurting someone else's feelings or to avoid unhappiness. My life with Mum is now full of little white love lies!
When I think of all the untruthful things Mum told me before she was diagnosed. That I believed because at that point I had no reason to doubt her word. Then acted upon .... probably causing lots of distress to innocent parties.
I think a few love lies now, redresses the balance just a little
.I take inspiration from Emily Dickinson
tell all the truth but tell it slant -
success in circuit lies
her poems are gems
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56824/tell-all-the-truth-but-tell-it-slant-1263
tell all the truth but tell it slant -
success in circuit lies
her poems are gems
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56824/tell-all-the-truth-but-tell-it-slant-1263
We all become very adept at 'lying' don't we! Below is a snippet of what I wrote awhile ago, it has helped me in 'our' journey.
Sometimes --- He asks me a question... I lie to him.
---He asks me a question... I tell him the truth.
----------- It depends on how the question is asked.
Sometimes --- He asks me a question... I lie to him.
---He asks me a question... I tell him the truth.
----------- It depends on how the question is asked.
Great site and poem. Found this one too...Guarded Truth!
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse?contentId=17105
What a relief to hear so many people are doing what I have been doing for so long. My lying started very early as I sensed it was protecting my mum from the anxiety that she was prone to anyway. The guilt and potential for self doubt is limitless. I didn't tell her she had dementia until she was about 6 years into it. Even now we call it memory problems. Like others, I have lied about the cost of carers, and tell her the NHS and council provide all these services freely. Of course the big fat daily lie is that she's not too much trouble as she keeps asking me! Poor mum, she's in a terrible state this week because the builders are converting her downstairs bathroom into a wetroom. "it's like living in a nightmare" Her anxiety is at an all time high and it's why I'm trying to keep her in her own home as I'm sure a big change would finish her. So glad I have this site, I feel as if I'm standing on the shoulders of all of you who have gone before me and hope I can help others in return.
Ha, reminds me of me! Every time any country from Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe was mentioned on TV, my mother
would say she'd been there.
I soon stopped saying, 'Er, I don't think so.'
Instead I'd say, 'Oh, yes - was it nice?'
The answer was invariably, 'I can't remember.' (!)
Oh, dear, I'm afraid to say I often had to suppress a laugh.
Yes. This has got to be the upside of dementia ! The latest thing is being introduced to her carer whom I've met and chatted to many a time, as "I don't think you've met my friend?, this is my daughter" We both politely smile and say hello..
@Witzend I'm not a very accomplished liar but see the value of it, especially when my wife tells me all the places that she has been. It used to be a huge frustration that we would go on holiday to somewhere new and (to me) exciting only for her to tell me that it hadn't changed much from the last time we were there. This first happened on a holiday in 2010 and - looking back - was the first time I realised that her world was changing. Now it can be anywhere she hears about or sees on television - she has been to the lot and her ancestors came from Scotland, Wales, Shropshire, USA and maybe even Azerbaijan too!
Oh @northumbrian_k that brought back memories. My husband used to tell everyone he had been to every country known to man - and some unknown to man I think. It's one thing that used to really get to me for some reason. Knowing I should keep quiet I always ended up correcting him. I wish I hadn't now.
