Coping with life now OH is in care home

[postigen]

I joined talking point in 2013 and have been caring for my husband on the roller coaster that is Alzheimers. Ive not been on here for some years.
In September this year I reluctantly had to agree to him going into 24 hour residential care. I was not prepared for the all consumming guilt I feel. It feels like I've give up on him and I should have been strong enough to contunue to care for him myself. Im 15 years younger and even tho it had become 24/7 I should have been able to. I see him most days but the sadness is overwhelming and life seems to have come to a full stop.

 

[canary]

Of course you havent given up on him. You are still his advocate, organiser and voice. You will be sorting out his clothes, buying new ones where necessary, keeping an eye on other belongings and toiletries supply, referring problems to the carers/manager, watching out for his health and reporting if there are problems - cuts, possible breaks,coughs that might indicate a chest infection, symptoms of UTIs etc. You will be talking to him, entertaining him, keeping him company and all the 101 other things that still happen when someone is in a care home.

What you arnt doing any more is the heavy hands-on caring and thats because it now requires a whole team of people (and I bet that most of them are younger than you, too!) who work shifts and can relax at the end of them and get some sleep, not just one stressed out carer, who is not able to sleep and is being stretched so far that they are likely to break. No-one can do 24/7 care indefinitely.

Knock that guilt monster off your shoulder

 

[Peachez]

My neighbour's husband needed to go into a nursing home 3 years ago. It was difficult for her, and I remember her saying similar things to you postigen. Slowly slowly, she's made a life for herself, it still revolves around him, visits/meals in the home with him/ trips for family occasions etc. Took her a very long time to stop 'doing' stuff and let the nursing staff get on with it & do their job. She gets the best of both worlds now, all the best bits with her OH, and quality of life for herself. Be gentle on yourself, it's early days...

 

[postigen]

Of course you havent given up on him. You are still his advocate, organiser and voice. You will be sorting out his clothes, buying new ones where necessary, keeping an eye on other belongings and toiletries supply, referring problems to the carers/manager, watching out for his health and reporting if there are problems - cuts, possible breaks,coughs that might indicate a chest infection, symptoms of UTIs etc. You will be talking to him, entertaining him, keeping him company and all the 101 other things that still happen when someone is in a care home.

What you arnt doing any more is the heavy hands-on caring and thats because it now requires a whole team of people (and I bet that most of them are younger than you, too!) who work shifts and can relax at the end of them and get some sleep, not just one stressed out carer, who is not able to sleep and is being stretched so far that they are likely to break. No-one can do 24/7 care indefinitely.

Knock that guilt monster off your shoulder

Of course you havent given up on him. You are still his advocate, organiser and voice. You will be sorting out his clothes, buying new ones where necessary, keeping an eye on other belongings and toiletries supply, referring problems to the carers/manager, watching out for his health and reporting if there are problems - cuts, possible breaks,coughs that might indicate a chest infection, symptoms of UTIs etc. You will be talking to him, entertaining him, keeping him company and all the 101 other things that still happen when someone is in a care home.

What you arnt doing any more is the heavy hands-on caring and thats because it now requires a whole team of people (and I bet that most of them are younger than you, too!) who work shifts and can relax at the end of them and get some sleep, not just one stressed out carer, who is not able to sleep and is being stretched so far that they are likely to break. No-one can do 24/7 care indefinitely.

Knock that guilt monster off your shoulder

You're right if course. Thank you. Just needed reminding. It is lonely at times but I feel blessed that I still have him and good moments when he is aware of who I am. We moved up from Cornwall to be near my daughter. She is very busy being a head teacher and mum to two young ones. So it was a struggle at first but I have made some good friends here on this journey. The grandchildren lift your spirits and I have a long suffering Labrador who is a great comfort.

 

[postigen]

My neighbour's husband needed to go into a nursing home 3 years ago. It was difficult for her, and I remember her saying similar things to you postigen. Slowly slowly, she's made a life for herself, it still revolves around him, visits/meals in the home with him/ trips for family occasions etc. Took her a very long time to stop 'doing' stuff and let the nursing staff get on with it & do their job. She gets the best of both worlds now, all the best bits with her OH, and quality of life for herself. Be gentle on yourself, it's early days...

Thsts

 

[postigen]

Thsts

That's a comfort. I realise now it's going to take some time. I will take you're advice, thank you.