Should I tell her the truth ?
- Thread starter Goodcarer
- Start date
I have to say in my experience (but that is only because my Mum has such a severe reaction to the word 'dementia') that it is best to lie. As above, would telling the truth improve the situation? My Mum happily goes along thinking, if anything, that every body else has the problem. The truth would only burden her, worry her and possibly worsen her mental health. Someone here said it was 'love lies'. It is a good phrase. Unfortunately it is one that will get used a lot and it does weigh heavy on the carer but for the pwd? It is a blessing.
Does she ask? I tended with Dad to go with distraction, half truths and then kind love lies when necessary
Hi @Goodcarer welcome to TP, that’s a very difficult question!
Would she understand the implications of you telling the truth and could she be shocked and frightened?
The CPN told my husband he had Alzheimer’s which was an incurable illness that would kill him, he was devastated eventually he forgot what he had been told and was happy with being told everyone’s memory gets worse with age..
Would she understand the implications of you telling the truth and could she be shocked and frightened?
The CPN told my husband he had Alzheimer’s which was an incurable illness that would kill him, he was devastated eventually he forgot what he had been told and was happy with being told everyone’s memory gets worse with age..
Will it do any good to tell her?
My OH does not believe that he has dementia and gets very angry if someone suggests that he has.
Mum was blissfully unaware and any talk of her having Alzheimers was obviously not about her!
In neither case did/do I mention the D word. In mums case I talked about "memory problems" and in OHs case I talk about "brain injury"
My OH does not believe that he has dementia and gets very angry if someone suggests that he has.
Mum was blissfully unaware and any talk of her having Alzheimers was obviously not about her!
In neither case did/do I mention the D word. In mums case I talked about "memory problems" and in OHs case I talk about "brain injury"
I always find this an interesting question. If the person is taking all meds and doing everything needed to improve their quality of life without actually knowing why they are doing this then what's to be gained by telling them.
My wife is the type of person who wouldn't take her medication without knowing what it's for and wouldn't engage in any of the activities that are felt to be good for her without having a valid reason so I didn't have a problem with her Consultant being blunt with her about her having Alzheimer's. I wouldn't want to be dealing with my wife if she was refusing meds etc., as they help her and give her hope.
The telling does add the stress of knowing so I feel the positives have to be weighed against that negative in each case and usually the individual carer will know better than anyone whether their loved one can deal with being told.
My wife is the type of person who wouldn't take her medication without knowing what it's for and wouldn't engage in any of the activities that are felt to be good for her without having a valid reason so I didn't have a problem with her Consultant being blunt with her about her having Alzheimer's. I wouldn't want to be dealing with my wife if she was refusing meds etc., as they help her and give her hope.
The telling does add the stress of knowing so I feel the positives have to be weighed against that negative in each case and usually the individual carer will know better than anyone whether their loved one can deal with being told.
When mum went in to permanent care she used to constantly ask when she was going home and how was her house. Now lying to my mum was totally alien to me and something I really struggled with but, with the kind explanations from many on this forum, I began to understand they were “love lies” and they were “ok”. I told mum she had to get well before going home and yes the house was fine. I’m not saying I found it all easy but it helped understanding I was lying so has not too upset mum. In time that phase passed and she no longer asked L It’s amazing the experiences this journey brings and how you look at life really xx
It’s a very difficult subject.
In moments of clarity, my mum knows she has memory problems & issues.
She asked when she was getting out of the assessment unit yesterday & once again I blamed the doctors which is a good love lie to use.
I have tried to prepare her for the fact that she may not go home & that she may need more care but I keep saying it’s not up to me, it’s up to the doctors & she seems satisfied with this.
In moments of clarity, my mum knows she has memory problems & issues.
She asked when she was getting out of the assessment unit yesterday & once again I blamed the doctors which is a good love lie to use.
I have tried to prepare her for the fact that she may not go home & that she may need more care but I keep saying it’s not up to me, it’s up to the doctors & she seems satisfied with this.
How is her short term memory? If she's going to forget whatever you say very quickly anyway, and the truth is going to be upsetting, then IMO there's no,point.
My mother was told by her GP that she had Alzheimer's, but had forgotten by the time she got home maybe 15 mins later. And while she'd accept whatever the GP said (doctor being = to God in her mind) she would angrily deny that there was anything wrong with her if we reminded her - and to be fair, I'm sure she believed it. So we soon stopped trying to remind her, especially when she was going to forget inside 2 minutes anyway.
My mother was told by her GP that she had Alzheimer's, but had forgotten by the time she got home maybe 15 mins later. And while she'd accept whatever the GP said (doctor being = to God in her mind) she would angrily deny that there was anything wrong with her if we reminded her - and to be fair, I'm sure she believed it. So we soon stopped trying to remind her, especially when she was going to forget inside 2 minutes anyway.
