My husband is still in denial that he has any illness. Only admits to a poor memory sometimes. He is insisting I book a holiday for us soon and I can not face the stress this will cause. When not at home he gets very anxious, and forgets where he ibut does not acknowledge this fact. We argue non stop because he thinks I am lying to him about everything. Last year we went with family but they are not offering to accompany us this year. I understand why of course. I am running out of excuses now and don’t know what to say to him. He sees holiday adverts on tv and in the paper and gets angry that I have not yet booked to go abroad. Has anyone else had this problem?
Avoiding booking holiday
- Thread starter Smileysue
- Start date
Hi Im lucky that I always booked the holidays.We went away twice last year and I would say I found it harder than being at home.He talks about holidays but to be honest I think the change of scene would be detrimental- he is already getting confused about home.Last year we went to a hotel we've been to every year for 20 years and it was all new !! My hubby also doesnt realise there is anything wrong with him and my thinking is that for it to be a holiday I would have to go by myself.
Sorry if this sounds negative .
Sorry if this sounds negative .
Yes like you I have always booked the holidays which is why he is pressuring me constantly. I can empathise with all your comments and agree a holiday alone would be preferable, but impossible. Thanks for your reply because it is always reassuring to know others are in the same boat.
Hi Smileysue sorry to hear your situation not nice. I have been there my OH is in total denial he has vas dementia /alzheimers. I booked to go away at Xmas for a family holiday to Spain however his mobility is limited can only walk for about 10 mins . Nearer the time I mentioned about having assistance at the airport for him & hiring a mobility scooter over there. He point blank refused long story short he didn’t go our son was here every day to see to him . However according to OH he was never here once. It is stressful enough looking after them at home without going abroad with them when they are so unreasonable. I would seriously think about booking up especially when your going to be on your own with him . It won’t be easy & as you say they get anxious when not in familiar surroundings. Also when you take out travel insurance you have to tick that you will be with them at all times .
No, I've not been in this situation. My PWD is my mother, and although she was a keen traveler pre-dementia, she stopped wanting to travel very early on in her illness. I have seen reports here on TP from members in a similar situation to you, though, so give them time to respond.
I wonder if you would consider a different approach in responding when your OH asks about holidays, to see if you can avert an argument and upset?
Perhaps agreeing that you will call the travel agent "on Monday" or "next week" or when the agent "gets back from his holiday" or similar?
A sort of "yes, and" approach, that I've seen talked about here on TP. Of course you aren't actually going to book the trip, or buy the car, or sell the house, or whatever the argument is about, but you deflect the discussion so as to avoid triggering an argument or distress, since that doesn't help either of you.
Depending on his short term memory, you can just lie and say you have booked a trip and then be vague about the date, or that you're waiting for confirmation or something. Of course that trip was overbooked, or cancelled, or rescheduled, or something.
It is a variation on love lies and he compassionate communication ideas, if you're familiar with those?
I'd also wonder if he might have anosognosia, as well as possible denial, and it might be counterproductive to try to reason with him. Its pretty common with dementia and basically means, because of the damage to his brain, he can't understand or comprehend he has a problem, so to him, of course there isn't anything wrong. It can be tricky to deal with.
I hope you're able to find something that works, so you can avoid all this stress and upset. Best wishes.
I wonder if you would consider a different approach in responding when your OH asks about holidays, to see if you can avert an argument and upset?
Perhaps agreeing that you will call the travel agent "on Monday" or "next week" or when the agent "gets back from his holiday" or similar?
A sort of "yes, and" approach, that I've seen talked about here on TP. Of course you aren't actually going to book the trip, or buy the car, or sell the house, or whatever the argument is about, but you deflect the discussion so as to avoid triggering an argument or distress, since that doesn't help either of you.
Depending on his short term memory, you can just lie and say you have booked a trip and then be vague about the date, or that you're waiting for confirmation or something. Of course that trip was overbooked, or cancelled, or rescheduled, or something.
It is a variation on love lies and he compassionate communication ideas, if you're familiar with those?
I'd also wonder if he might have anosognosia, as well as possible denial, and it might be counterproductive to try to reason with him. Its pretty common with dementia and basically means, because of the damage to his brain, he can't understand or comprehend he has a problem, so to him, of course there isn't anything wrong. It can be tricky to deal with.
I hope you're able to find something that works, so you can avoid all this stress and upset. Best wishes.
Thank you, although your Xmas situation sounds awful. I agree with you that going away alone is not a good idea and these replies have confirmed to me that this will not happen this year. Your use of the word unreasonable hits home very much with me and again confirms I can not do a holiday just us two.
Thanks for your reply it is very helpful to me especially being on a bit of a low today.
Sorry you are feeling low. It seems to come with the territory as there is nothing easy about dealing with dementia.
It was awful Smileysue plus I was ill all week with that flu virus that loads of people had. Has your OH been diagnosed long. My OH was diagnosed last May but I know it’s been at least 3 or even 4 years he’s been like this. He now has no short term memory I can tell him something & 5 mins later he can’t recall. As I said earlier his mobility is limited & he is so unreasonable. Really like living with a volcano ready to erupt. He sleeps quite a lot always liked his bed but now some days he nearly sleeps 18hrs. We have a thread on here called Grumpy OH. You should have a look at it loads of us in the same situation. Such a shame your family can’t go aswell with you on holiday. Hope you manage to sort something for your hols, we carers also need hols otherwise we would burn out. Then who looks after us . Take care Smileysue.
My advice about holidays differs from most here and it may be due to the fact that my wife is early stages and our spells abroad are protracted meaning my wife (early onset Alzheimer's) gets time to settle. It also helps that we have always spent most of our time side by side so the insurance requirement that was mentioned wasn't an issue(Although the price was a shock to the system!). Luckily, my wife has always gone along with my suggestions about her health so she was diagnosed early and put on medication that has served her well.
I find that being abroad does have its issues, but not much more than staying at home. I would say that the extra stimulation for the PWD is useful overall. My local airport (Belfast) operates a lanyard system for people with hidden disabilities and I found that it's use greatly helped with check-in, security etc., which were always a nightmare previously. In airports you have to be extra vigilant as the environment lends itself to wandering by the PWD.
Over the last 2-3 years I have always thought the current holiday would be our last but we have already booked for next year. I always book in the knowledge that if things turn out to be too tough to handle we can always drop everything and get the first flight home.
You will know your own partner best so only you can make the decision. However, I just wanted to relay my experience in case it helps when you come to weigh everything up.
I find that being abroad does have its issues, but not much more than staying at home. I would say that the extra stimulation for the PWD is useful overall. My local airport (Belfast) operates a lanyard system for people with hidden disabilities and I found that it's use greatly helped with check-in, security etc., which were always a nightmare previously. In airports you have to be extra vigilant as the environment lends itself to wandering by the PWD.
Over the last 2-3 years I have always thought the current holiday would be our last but we have already booked for next year. I always book in the knowledge that if things turn out to be too tough to handle we can always drop everything and get the first flight home.
You will know your own partner best so only you can make the decision. However, I just wanted to relay my experience in case it helps when you come to weigh everything up.
Hi,
My husband is early onset at the moment too and although it made me feel very aware of how dependent he was on me the time away on our holiday this last week was great, it allowed him to feel that things were normal, we had quality time together and it was no harder than at home. I know this will not be the case always but while he is mobile I think we will do this as often as we can. We are already planning our next one for the summer holidays. We have a 14 year old and we need to continue building good memories together. On this latest trip
I did have to accept that I am now a carer but I think that in a way that is just enabling me to come to terms with that part of our life and the obvious changes.
My husband is early onset at the moment too and although it made me feel very aware of how dependent he was on me the time away on our holiday this last week was great, it allowed him to feel that things were normal, we had quality time together and it was no harder than at home. I know this will not be the case always but while he is mobile I think we will do this as often as we can. We are already planning our next one for the summer holidays. We have a 14 year old and we need to continue building good memories together. On this latest trip
I did have to accept that I am now a carer but I think that in a way that is just enabling me to come to terms with that part of our life and the obvious changes.
I know its my Mum who has dementia and not my partner but my thoughts are that you should go ahead and take that holiday. I took Mum home to Ireland a couple of years ago (before she was diagnosed) but she was very elderly, poor mobility etc. Others in the family tried to persuade her not to go but she wanted to go so off we went. We booked special assistance at both airports and all went like clockwork. It was tiring but she had a nap every afternoon and she thoroughly enjoyed her week away catching up with all her relatives. I am so glad we went and she still looks at photos of our trip.
Whats the worst that could happen? I’m sure you will take out holiday insurance and if youre in the EU, your EHIC card. It might be tiring and stressful but I’m sure its the same at home isnt it?
Whats the worst that could happen? I’m sure you will take out holiday insurance and if youre in the EU, your EHIC card. It might be tiring and stressful but I’m sure its the same at home isnt it?
Whether people with dementia can go on holiday is very individual.
My OH is only in the early stages, but he is utterly dependent on his routine and any change totally derails him and leaves him confused. The last time we went on holiday was 3 years ago - even before his diagnosis and I knew then that he could not do it again. Fortunately he does not press to go away.
@Smileysue - When your husband says he wants to go on holiday try talking to him about holidays you have been on and see if this will distract him. If not, use the technique outlined by Amy in the US - say, yes what a good idea - Ill do it next week/after xxx/ when the company is open, or whatever else with satisfy him.
My OH is only in the early stages, but he is utterly dependent on his routine and any change totally derails him and leaves him confused. The last time we went on holiday was 3 years ago - even before his diagnosis and I knew then that he could not do it again. Fortunately he does not press to go away.
@Smileysue - When your husband says he wants to go on holiday try talking to him about holidays you have been on and see if this will distract him. If not, use the technique outlined by Amy in the US - say, yes what a good idea - Ill do it next week/after xxx/ when the company is open, or whatever else with satisfy him.
There is another alternative...could someone go away with you? My sister is going to be travelling with us, so that I can get a bit of a break...or grab a sleep in the day if I need it. The other thing we have found works is cruising... but I know that is very expensive and not for everyone.
It is funny reading all these posts because I am in the opposite position to many of you.
My husband is unable to travel long distances because of his heart condition. Occasionally it sinks in that he is gradually getting worse and he insists that I should take a nice long holiday in Europe while I still can. So he keeps on at me, flights are cheap, now is a good time to go, he'll be ok on his own(!!!!!!!!!) etc.
Apart from his health, he couldn't stand to be away from his beloved bridge club so he really has no interest in going away. So if he sees an ad on TV for somewhere nice, he gives me every reason he can think of why I should go.
And wouldn't it be wonderful to be wandering around some of the back locks of Europe on my own again.
Is he trying to get rid of me do you think?
My husband is unable to travel long distances because of his heart condition. Occasionally it sinks in that he is gradually getting worse and he insists that I should take a nice long holiday in Europe while I still can. So he keeps on at me, flights are cheap, now is a good time to go, he'll be ok on his own(!!!!!!!!!) etc.
Apart from his health, he couldn't stand to be away from his beloved bridge club so he really has no interest in going away. So if he sees an ad on TV for somewhere nice, he gives me every reason he can think of why I should go.
And wouldn't it be wonderful to be wandering around some of the back locks of Europe on my own again.
Is he trying to get rid of me do you think?
Oh, but it is so thoughtful. I think one of the many things that so many of us find difficult is that our PWD has no idea of how exhausting it is providing care. Particularly when, as is sometimes the case for me, he thinks I am many different people!
I had much the same problem as you last year smileysue when OH kept on and on about holidays. I used the agree, distract, move on technique that Amy mentions. I do my best to avoid any arguments as he gets so irate not believing anything is wrong with him. It's wearing but preferable to wasting money on an impossible journey. He wanders a lot at night and sleeps in the day, mobility poor and little interest in anything. So I wouldn't be able to sleep and he wouldn't want to do anything. The last cruise we took was on the Rhine and Mosel, small boat, easy to find your way round (sea cruising boats are enormous and confusing to find your way round). Not much walking, food was excellent, he could stay on the boat while I visited somewhere if he wanted. Also we'd lived in that area of Germany in the 70s so familiar. But at the end of the week he said he didn't enjoy it and wouldn't go again. Doh! Good luck!
I swore to myself I would never again go on holiday with my husband at Gatwick airport on our flight back to Milan.
He got furious and started shouting at me because he had misunderstood what the EasyJet employee had told him (he had asked him to put on his coat when boarding the plane) and I had dared to tell him.
That was the last straw..
When he says we might go on holiday somewhere, I tell him I do not want to replicate our last holiday and spend money to be worse than at home.
He got furious and started shouting at me because he had misunderstood what the EasyJet employee had told him (he had asked him to put on his coat when boarding the plane) and I had dared to tell him.
That was the last straw..
When he says we might go on holiday somewhere, I tell him I do not want to replicate our last holiday and spend money to be worse than at home.
So many comforting things to take on board. Thanks everyone. I had been thinking of maybe a last big holiday like a river cruise. I can carry on avoiding making a booking for the next few weeks as we have a couple of days out booked which hopefully he can cope with and other people are with us too.
Me and my OH go on Warner’s holidays for weekends Friday to Monday, he is ok as there is plenty to do and you feel looked after . He can still swim a bit and enjoys the spa. We had friends that used to go with us but they don’t offer any more as he is hard work. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him only memory lapses. It’s not a Long drive as I do all the driving we go to Nidd Hall but have tried others as well.
