doing The right thing?

[Still-my-mom]

well, here we are, never thought I would be careing for my mom and struggling with just about every aspect, till you master them being the first time...

Broken hip caused huge dive in dementia and put early onset, well into mid term, but then you don’t know for sure. The more you read (and I think I have read everything!) the more you realise no one actually knows a thing. They talk about stages and signs but then say you could have some or all or none at any point, they talk about how long they will live and guide, then say it could be anything from 2-15 years.

But none ever tells you just how tough it is as a career trying to do your absolute best every single moment for this wonderful person who is your mom. They don’t tell you that your going to have to defend your actions and justify yourself to an aloof brother who neither knows or cares and simply wants to stick her in a home. You want to punch them in the face and say, she is in a home, the best home she could have, mine. The one where she is loved 24/7, not farmed out to a profit making organisation. .....this is difficult enough without having those battles, but I understand it’s very common.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP @Still-my-mom

You’ve found TP & we do understand how hard it is. You'll get lots of support here.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

Hi still-my-mum
You feel so despairing to start with - I was offered respite care but it was not the help I needed ! I needed information and knowledge about how to cope- it’s very hard .
One help I did get was that the knowledge that an initial jump in dementia should improve as it’s partly delirium caused by the operation and the body fighting to recover.
I hope you get some strong help and take heart that your mums condition will probably improve in the next few weeks or months as my husband did. You are clearly a very wonderful person and I wish you strength and blessings .

 

[Duggies-girl]

well, here we are, never thought I would be careing for my mom and struggling with just about every aspect, till you master them being the first time...

Broken hip caused huge dive in dementia and put early onset, well into mid term, but then you don’t know for sure. The more you read (and I think I have read everything!) the more you realise no one actually knows a thing. They talk about stages and signs but then say you could have some or all or none at any point, they talk about how long they will live and guide, then say it could be anything from 2-15 years.

But none ever tells you just how tough it is as a career trying to do your absolute best every single moment for this wonderful person who is your mom. They don’t tell you that your going to have to defend your actions and justify yourself to an aloof brother who neither knows or cares and simply wants to stick her in a home. You want to punch them in the face and say, she is in a home, the best home she could have, mine. The one where she is loved 24/7, not farmed out to a profit making organisation. .....this is difficult enough without having those battles, but I understand it’s very common.

Hi @Still-my-mom

Yes, no-one knows, it's all a guessing game. So very sorry about your mums decline you have obviously been doing the very best for your mum but the fall could not be foreseen. I know that an injury or illness and possibly even the treatment, antibiotics etc can cause a huge step down in dementia but but hopefully your mum may pick up soon when she has recovered a bit more.

This is a very difficult life and having an unhelpful brother does not help in the least. I have a brother like that, neither cares or has any interest, although he does not want my dad to go in a home as it costs a lot of money but he is still unable to help in anyway at all as he is busy and has a life.

I have now distanced myself from my brother and his wife so they can carry on with their lives as they always have and hopefully I won't have to see their ugly selfish faces very often at all. I have accepted that I am on my own with this caring lark and will just get on with it as best as I can. We are all different, some care, some don't. It is either in your character or it is not and I don't think it is anything to do with upbringing or why would siblings be so different.

 

[eyebrows]

Hi still-my-mom,
Sorry to hear about the hard times you are having. It truly is a difficult situation to be in, and that's putting it lightly. I also have issues with an aloof brother, and the constant justifications with him and other members of my family can be so wearing, I really feel for you.
Try to remember that you are doing a great job, and that whilst so much remains unknown about this disease, you are the one who knows your mother, and that puts you in such a good position when it comes to her care.
Hang in there.

 

[acorns]

You sound like a lovely person and your mum is lucky to have you to look after her. I agree with previous comment about the delirium settling and didn't know antibiotics can also affect the dementia. I've heard so many nasty/aloof brother stories from my friends that I am very grateful to be an only child and making all the decisions. Try not to let him get to you.

I've been looking after my mum at home for years now. It's been very rewarding as she has responded well to everything and didn't get markedly worse until now (after a hospital stay for chest infection). She's appreciated the company of some very good carers, has discovered the therapeutic power of plants (so have I) and we both enjoy some armchair travelling via the wildlife and travel docs on the TV. We're into new territory now though as she has not bounced back from the hospital stay.

Challenging times but we'll cope somehow ... Don't give up!

 

[Duggies-girl]

You sound like a lovely person and your mum is lucky to have you to look after her. I agree with previous comment about the delirium settling and didn't know antibiotics can also affect the dementia. I've heard so many nasty/aloof brother stories from my friends that I am very grateful to be an only child and making all the decisions. Try not to let him get to you.

I've been looking after my mum at home for years now. It's been very rewarding as she has responded well to everything and didn't get markedly worse until now (after a hospital stay for chest infection). She's appreciated the company of some very good carers, has discovered the therapeutic power of plants (so have I) and we both enjoy some armchair travelling via the wildlife and travel docs on the TV. We're into new territory now though as she has not bounced back from the hospital stay.

Challenging times but we'll cope somehow ... Don't give up!

Travel docs, Yes we have watched Chris Tarrent today on his railway journeys. We journeyed across Canada through the Rockies to Vancouver and then we travelled through Alaska. Funny thing is my dad recognises all of these places and thinks he has been to all of them. He has also been to all of the shops that feature in bargain hunt and recognises most of the shop keepers.

Interesting life we lead while caring.

Also my brother misses out on all of these things because he is too busy. His loss, not mine or dads.

 

[marionq]

Duggies girl your post highlights the oddities of dementia. Your Dad recognises things he's never seen. When we watch travel programmes my husband doesn't recognise places he has seen. The train trip from Toronto to a Vancouver was one we made in 2010 and loved. John now has no memory of it at all.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

You sound like a lovely person and your mum is lucky to have you to look after her. I agree with previous comment about the delirium settling and didn't know antibiotics can also affect the dementia. I've heard so many nasty/aloof brother stories from my friends that I am very grateful to be an only child and making all the decisions. Try not to let him get to you.

I've been looking after my mum at home for years now. It's been very rewarding as she has responded well to everything and didn't get markedly worse until now (after a hospital stay for chest infection). She's appreciated the company of some very good carers, has discovered the therapeutic power of plants (so have I) and we both enjoy some armchair travelling via the wildlife and travel docs on the TV. We're into new territory now though as she has not bounced back from the hospital stay.

Challenging times but we'll cope somehow ... Don't give up!

I would like to know more about the therapeutic powers of plants please !

I can see the power of pets- my OH often talks in confabulation !!! This evening I left him for half an hour watching a quiz show on tv with our pet whippet Lucy. When I came it he told me that Lucy had almost won the show !! And would have won some $250,000 - but he was pleased that she didn’t when I said if she was that smart other people might want to take her home !’
But tell me about plants - anything that helps !!

 

[acorns]

I would like to know more about the therapeutic powers of plants please !

I can see the power of pets- my OH often talks in confabulation !!! This evening I left him for half an hour watching a quiz show on tv with our pet whippet Lucy. When I came it he told me that Lucy had almost won the show !! And would have won some $250,000 - but he was pleased that she didn’t when I said if she was that smart other people might want to take her home !’
But tell me about plants - anything that helps !!

What’s the therapeutic power of plants? For mum it’s a simple, relaxing activity which she can enjoy from her wheelchair. It probably takes her back to her childhood and it doesn’t ask questions or make demands and she's in control if she wants to be. It’s half an hour several days a week spent planting (or watching me plant) something from seed, taking care of it and watching it grow. Then in summer there’s just time to sit back and admire the glorious array of colour on the patio before it’s time to cut back, wrap up and plan the winter evergreens. Then on cold wet days it’s the turn of the house plants for some individual attention from her armchair. For myself it’s a great escape to the fresh air, a bit of exercise, plenty of challenge and a great feeling of achievement - whether that’s 50 minutes spent cutting the grass or 5 minutes spent removing 5 weeds! (If we had a pet like Lucy it would be even better!)

 

[LadyA]

Totally agree. When we bought our house in 1999, it was quite literally a house sitting in a bare field! My husband, over the years planted so many things! Hedges, fruit trees, hundreds of daffodils, snowdrops that multiply every year, various shrubs including several Camelias that are now enormous, but his main thing was a large circular hedge of hornbeam enclosing his special garden, with trees that corresponded to the letters of the ancient Ogham alphabet, and other shrubs that he added here and there. Some of the primroses and cyclamen that he planted still bloom every year too.
I'm left with a garden that's very hard to maintain because of his increasingly random planting as his illness progressed. But every tree and shrub and flower here is like his legacy.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

Thanks Lady and Acorn -
I can see the value in your words - we have a nice garden that has been my realm mostly but I will involve my OH more and he does like to water ! Thanks again !

 

[acorns]

Travel docs, Yes we have watched Chris Tarrent today on his railway journeys. We journeyed across Canada through the Rockies to Vancouver and then we travelled through Alaska. Funny thing is my dad recognises all of these places and thinks he has been to all of them. He has also been to all of the shops that feature in bargain hunt and recognises most of the shop keepers.

Interesting life we lead while caring.

Also my brother misses out on all of these things because he is too busy. His loss, not mine or dads.

Duggies-girl and Marionq - isn't it strange - if they've been there they don't remember it and if they haven' t been there then they think they have. I've heard others saying their parents think they're in the TV locations too. What is going on in their minds? If that's the case they my mum has been to the furthermost, wildest corners of the earth watching all the David Attenborough documentaries! Maybe that's why she keeps asking 'where are we?' and 'are they looking after us?'

 

[Duggies-girl]

We watch all of the Attenborough programmes. They make good viewing in the afternoons even if I have seen them all before and I much prefer them to Gunsmoke or Bonanza which drive me nuts. Coast is another favourite although dad has been to all those places too and if they go out on a boat he often knows the captain or used to work with him.[/QUOTE]