The mom I knew has gone

Shoequeen

New member
Jan 26, 2018
5
0
Hi

I'm new here. We recognised changes in my mom but couldn't get her to go to the GP. We've finally succeeded by stealth! Thankfully so because she seems to have progresssed to another level with her confusion. Often I haven't got a clue what she's talking about but pretend I do. The hardest part has been acknowledging my mom has gone and there's a stranger in her place who resembles my mom. I miss her laugh and I miss sharing news with her.
Her assessment is next week so we'll know more then hopefully.
I'm here to talk when I need to, to learn a few things and if I can, help others in return.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @Shoequeen, you are very welcome to TP - even if it’s a sad situation that brought you here.

You will find the forum a friendly and informative place so do, indeed, feel free to either just talk or ask questions. People here will understand you as we are all travelling the same road, even though every person with dementia and every carer is unique. Take time to take a good look around the site as there is a wealth of information here and I still like to just read now and again. Some of the older threads can even be of use as a means of gaining info. Keep posting.
 

Dino

Registered User
Aug 7, 2011
76
0
Hi Shoequeen, welcome and I'm glad you found this forum.
I know you miss your mom, they are still with is yet they are gone.
I live in the US but my mom is in England, we saw her last October and she is in late stages. The people here are wonderful and understand.
I've found it very helpful to read through the posts, lot's of information as there are so many questions. Take care...
 

Shoequeen

New member
Jan 26, 2018
5
0
Thanks so much everyone, I'll be taking a good look around.
I'm particularly interested in the anticipatory grief info - I didn't know there was such a thing! Although I have recognised the grieving but each time I think I've come to terms with it - bam. It's back again. It helps when I focus on the practical. I'm usually the one in my family who gets things done!
Sorry that you're each on this journey too but there is definitely support in reaching out.
 

pipd

Registered User
Apr 12, 2015
75
0
Leigh on Sea Essex
Please don't think of her as 'gone', I travelled my mum's dementia journey with her for five years and some days she 'came back' and we managed to still have a good laugh and talk about things she remembered, make the most of those days when she may be less confused and show a glimmer of her former self. It can and does happen to many. It is very tough to watch the progress of this dreadful disease but try to see the humour if you can and laugh with your mum in appropriate ways, I always found humour helped and to see my mum smile was a wonderful thing. Unfortunately she passed away on January 5th but I will treasure those good days she managed to have.
 

Andyp101

Registered User
Dec 5, 2017
37
0
Hi @Shoequeen

Welcome to the forum. I am fairly new here but just wanted to say that I have found it of great support and advice. I hope you do too.

I can empathize with what you have said. My Mum is falling rapidly through the stages of dementia. It is hard to watch, extremely painful at times and stressful. However you do get bright spots - moments where you see a glimpse of past times. I'm lucky (?) in that Mum and I used to have a fairly jokey relationship. We can still share a laugh now and then. Try to look for these times and know you are not alone. The forum is always here.

Take care.
 

Leila

New member
Feb 5, 2018
2
0
Hi Shoequeen,

I’m also new to the forum and I am having similar feelings about my Dad. We are a few months past his (overdue) diagnosis and the last month has seen a sudden further deterioration. He isn’t my dad anymore. It’s horrid to be grieving when he is still here. I see a lost little boy when I’m with him. I haven’t figured out how to function with him yet. I’m a health professional and work with patients with dementia but it is so utterly different when it’s someone who used to have an active part in your life yet is now so dependent. I find it so hard to be patient with his conversations that often don’t make sense, when I used to take pride in the patience and understanding I have for the people I work with. Likewise, I’m going to have a look at the anticipatory grief info. I’d love to be able to find humour and good will in this situation. It is far harder than I imagined. You’re not alone!
 

Pep

New member
Feb 18, 2018
4
0
Hi Shoequeen,

I’m also new to the forum and I am having similar feelings about my Dad. We are a few months past his (overdue) diagnosis and the last month has seen a sudden further deterioration. He isn’t my dad anymore. It’s horrid to be grieving when he is still here. I see a lost little boy when I’m with him. I haven’t figured out how to function with him yet. I’m a health professional and work with patients with dementia but it is so utterly different when it’s someone who used to have an active part in your life yet is now so dependent. I find it so hard to be patient with his conversations that often don’t make sense, when I used to take pride in the patience and understanding I have for the people I work with. Likewise, I’m going to have a look at the anticipatory grief info. I’d love to be able to find humour and good will in this situation. It is far harder than I imagined. You’re not alone!


It is easy to be patience with a stranger. You have no real emotional attachment with them, no history. If they do or say something weird or strange or wrong you don't feel the same embarrassment, you don't feel the shame or the anger, the sadness. You are not hindered by the same judgement.

You know your parents and you know they would most likely be upset themselves if they knew what they were doing. All those emotions you do not have for a stranger. That is why it is easier for you to care for them.

Try not to beat yourself up for not having the patience. I am a counsellor and have enormous amounts of patience for my clients, but with my mum I just can't seem to get my act together properly. One moment I am compassionate like a Saint and the next I feel like strangling her. I'm sorry to admit it, but she can make me so angry and that makes me feel so guilty. I love her, I would not want to hurt her, ever. Still she wakes up the worst in me.

But I think we should give ourselves a bit of a break. We are human, we are not robots. We feel and we are entitled to those feelings. I have to keep telling myself that. I hope you do as well. At least here is a safe place to discuss those feelings.

I also try to find the humour in things, but sadly humour has gone from my mum as well. She takes jokes literally, which can become a nightmare. She doesn't believe you when you tell her someone just said something in jest. She doesn't get the nuances of a language anymore, so things can often end up taken the wrong way. Some with dire consequences.

I used to be able to have a good laugh with her, we could be in stitches together. She wasn't really funny herself, but she loved to laugh and especially slapstick stuff would get her giggling. I miss that.
 

Leila

New member
Feb 5, 2018
2
0
Thank you for your message. You’re completely right, the depths of feelings from having history with someone makes it an entirely different experience to what I deal with in work. It’s tough. I’m sad to hear humour is so hard for you too. I wonder if there are different things now that could make your mum laugh? I hope you can find something. Do look after yourself too.




It is easy to be patience with a stranger. You have no real emotional attachment with them, no history. If they do or say something weird or strange or wrong you don't feel the same embarrassment, you don't feel the shame or the anger, the sadness. You are not hindered by the same judgement.

You know your parents and you know they would most likely be upset themselves if they knew what they were doing. All those emotions you do not have for a stranger. That is why it is easier for you to care for them.

Try not to beat yourself up for not having the patience. I am a counsellor and have enormous amounts of patience for my clients, but with my mum I just can't seem to get my act together properly. One moment I am compassionate like a Saint and the next I feel like strangling her. I'm sorry to admit it, but she can make me so angry and that makes me feel so guilty. I love her, I would not want to hurt her, ever. Still she wakes up the worst in me.

But I think we should give ourselves a bit of a break. We are human, we are not robots. We feel and we are entitled to those feelings. I have to keep telling myself that. I hope you do as well. At least here is a safe place to discuss those feelings.

I also try to find the humour in things, but sadly humour has gone from my mum as well. She takes jokes literally, which can become a nightmare. She doesn't believe you when you tell her someone just said something in jest. She doesn't get the nuances of a language anymore, so things can often end up taken the wrong way. Some with dire consequences.

I used to be able to have a good laugh with her, we could be in stitches together. She wasn't really funny herself, but she loved to laugh and especially slapstick stuff would get her giggling. I miss that.
 

Baby Bunty

Registered User
Jan 24, 2018
297
0
Hi shoequeen..and everyone..i feel for you and everyone going through this cruel journey...anticipatory grief is something that i am experiencing..and have done on numerous occasions over past 10 years...please use this forum as its help me beyond words..i hope you and your loved one peace on this journey ..thinking off you both.xxxxx
 

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