Hi Shoequeen,
I’m also new to the forum and I am having similar feelings about my Dad. We are a few months past his (overdue) diagnosis and the last month has seen a sudden further deterioration. He isn’t my dad anymore. It’s horrid to be grieving when he is still here. I see a lost little boy when I’m with him. I haven’t figured out how to function with him yet. I’m a health professional and work with patients with dementia but it is so utterly different when it’s someone who used to have an active part in your life yet is now so dependent. I find it so hard to be patient with his conversations that often don’t make sense, when I used to take pride in the patience and understanding I have for the people I work with. Likewise, I’m going to have a look at the anticipatory grief info. I’d love to be able to find humour and good will in this situation. It is far harder than I imagined. You’re not alone!
It is easy to be patience with a stranger. You have no real emotional attachment with them, no history. If they do or say something weird or strange or wrong you don't feel the same embarrassment, you don't feel the shame or the anger, the sadness. You are not hindered by the same judgement.
You know your parents and you know they would most likely be upset themselves if they knew what they were doing. All those emotions you do not have for a stranger. That is why it is easier for you to care for them.
Try not to beat yourself up for not having the patience. I am a counsellor and have enormous amounts of patience for my clients, but with my mum I just can't seem to get my act together properly. One moment I am compassionate like a Saint and the next I feel like strangling her. I'm sorry to admit it, but she can make me so angry and that makes me feel so guilty. I love her, I would not want to hurt her, ever. Still she wakes up the worst in me.
But I think we should give ourselves a bit of a break. We are human, we are not robots. We feel and we are entitled to those feelings. I have to keep telling myself that. I hope you do as well. At least here is a safe place to discuss those feelings.
I also try to find the humour in things, but sadly humour has gone from my mum as well. She takes jokes literally, which can become a nightmare. She doesn't believe you when you tell her someone just said something in jest. She doesn't get the nuances of a language anymore, so things can often end up taken the wrong way. Some with dire consequences.
I used to be able to have a good laugh with her, we could be in stitches together. She wasn't really funny herself, but she loved to laugh and especially slapstick stuff would get her giggling. I miss that.