Phone call from mum in home very anxious and distressed asking to come home.

Mary Em

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
31
0
It's me again ...I've already asked about this and so has my sister, and I actually thought we were dealing better with These distressing situations , but it seems our mother still has the power to trigger our emotions; anxiety about our decision to put her in a care home, and most of all ..the feelings of guilt.
Tonight at around 8 pm I had a call from the home, saying mum wants to speak to me... very distressed and angry, pleading with me....

' i want to go home. Now listen tell me how I can organise a train, or a bus
. You don't have to take me, but I've been here long enough ..I don't need to be here any more.
And don't tell me I can't go home.. I've got to get back home.

Me..
'.mum we will talk about it tomorrow when I come in to see you.. I
Promise'

Mum angrily..
'No that's no good, I want you to organise it now please'


I must have repeated myself several times, and in the end she got very cross and cut me off.

Any ideas on how to deal with these conversations please ? They are very testing .
Thanks so much .
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
Yeah, ask the care home staff not to let her call you. Why are they putting this on you? They should be dealing with this themselves! Has the conversation helped anyone? No, so it's unfair to you. Ask them to distract her any way they can and leave you out of it.
 
Last edited:

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
I agree the home should not be enabling your mum to phone you and they should be helping her by distraction to settle. My dad was similar to your mum except he couldn't use a phone but in the first few months in his incoherent way those were the demanding questions I had.. they eventually phased out
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
0
I can only imagine how distressing this could be. I agree with the other posts. I'm a bit shocked actually that they are not dealing with this themselves. How is this helping anyone especially your mum? I would ask the home to distract her surely this is their job? It's very distressing for you and her. Ive just asked my friend if she got calls from the care home her mum was in and she said this was discussed at the beginning and they said no, not too let her make calls, as they didn't see what good it would do. Said her mum asked to have a phone but somehow they dealt with it. Guess every home is different.
 

Malalie

Registered User
Sep 1, 2016
310
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"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't do anything until the Doctor says you are well enough to go home?"

"We went back home and something terrible has happened to the boiler and there is a bit of a flood - we need to get it sorted out before you can come "

Something like that maybe....?
 

Tralouise

Registered User
Nov 27, 2017
25
0
"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't do anything until the Doctor says you are well enough to go home?"

"We went back home and something terrible has happened to the boiler and there is a bit of a flood - we need to get it sorted out before you can come "

Something like that maybe....?
"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't do anything until the Doctor says you are well enough to go home?"

"We went back home and something terrible has happened to the boiler and there is a bit of a flood - we need to get it sorted out before you can come "

Something like that maybe....?
My heart goes out to you and I'm sending big hugs your way. My mum isn't in a care home but in hospital for 6 months. Mum can't use her phone now but before we knew what was wrong with her (which we now know are psychotic episodes) she would ring us frantic telling us she was being abused by staff, that we had to go there now and get her. When mum was at home before she went into hospital she would ring me at all times begging me to take her to A and E, I found it and still do so distressing for me when I hear my mum distressed. I think the tactics off white lies are the best thing here something I'm not happy doing myself as mum and me were best friends and I'd tell her anything and she would me. To lie to her goes against the principles she's installed in me - but we are doing it for our loved ones to make them less distressed. I'm new to all this and mum became ill very sudden after a death in the family. Every day is a new hurdle, so I come on here to get ideas
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
@Tralouise - I think most of us have problems lying to the people we love. If at all possible I stuck to not quite lies: when the doctors says you're better (not a lie, she could come home if she was better), questions about long dead family members: oh they are much the same. It's the first few times you are likely to get caught out.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
@Tralouise - I think most of us have problems lying to the people we love. If at all possible I stuck to not quite lies: when the doctors says you're better (not a lie, she could come home if she was better), questions about long dead family members: oh they are much the same. It's the first few times you are likely to get caught out.

Maybe I'm in a minority here, but although I was brought up to be as truthful as the next person, I never had a problem with 'love lies' - I can't think of them as lying in the usual sense - as long as they prevented distress and/or agitation.
When we were new to dementia with my FiL it took us quite a while to realise that they were an option (no internet advice and very little advice of any kind at all then). If we'd realised sooner, rather than thinking we must of course always tell him the truth, we could have prevented quite a lot of tears and distress.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't do anything until the Doctor says you are well enough to go home?"

It`s what I said to my husband. The blame was on the doctor and it wasn't`t my fault.

The care home should not have given the phone to your mother especially as they know full well you cannot do anything about the problem.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Mary Em, if this is more than a one off, I think you do need to speak to the care home.

We had exactly the same during the first care home weeks, only it was my brother on the receiving end - my mother had previously been in the habit of ringing him constantly, sometimes 30 times in one hour. For this reason we had said a firm 'no' to a phone in her room - the strain of it had really begun to affect his health.
So she was still endlessly asking/demanding to 'ring my son'.

The care home staff would restrict it to once a day, and otherwise tell her he was out or not answering. However we were amazed (and relieved) at how soon she forgot about ringing him at all. It took only a very few weeks.

The first weeks can be so very difficult - I do hope you will find she begins to settle soon.
 

Mary Em

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
31
0
Yeah, ask the care home staff not to let her call you. Why are they putting this on you? They should be dealing with this themselves! Has the conversation helped anyone? No, so it's unfair to you. Ask them to distract her any way they can and leave you out of it.
"I'm sorry Mum, but I can't do anything until the Doctor says you are well enough to go home?"

"We went back home and something terrible has happened to the boiler and there is a bit of a flood - we need to get it sorted out before you can come "

Something like that maybe....?
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Maybe I'm in a minority here, but although I was brought up to be as truthful as the next person, I never had a problem with 'love lies' - I can't think of them as lying in the usual sense - as long as they prevented distress and/or agitation.
When we were new to dementia with my FiL it took us quite a while to realise that they were an option (no internet advice and very little advice of any kind at all then). If we'd realised sooner, rather than thinking we must of course always tell him the truth, we could have prevented quite a lot of tears and distress.
No not on your own...I too used love lies...tried to keep near to the truth if it worked if it didn't went for the full love lie. It was kinder to dad and a means to an end if it calmed him or gave him reassurance or comfort.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
No not on your own...I too used love lies...tried to keep near to the truth if it worked if it didn't went for the full love lie. It was kinder to dad and a means to an end if it calmed him or gave him reassurance or comfort.

I will certainly ask the care home NOT to provide my mum with a phone if at all possible as she will just ring me constantly!
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
576
0
When Mum was in Assisted Living, I rang her twice daily no matter what for a long chat, however the calls from her to me began to rack up during the day and night, and I dreaded the phone ringing. Not because I didnt want to talk to her, but because she was always distressed, 'dying' , woefully confused or had got herself in a state. Being an hour's drive away it was hard to tell if the problem was a genuine 'pedal to the floor' emergency. The onsite manager had got a bit fed up with Mum's very frequent attention seeking moves and Mum would not tell the carers her concerns - all Mum wanted was me.
When Mum moved into her Care Home I was adamant that there was to be no phone line in her room. From the outset I advised that Mum should not have access to a phone and she was to be dissuaded if she asked to make a call. I visit her every other day, and have told her that my seeing her is much better than an odd phone call. Yet again ...... one of those 'love lies' ...... I told her that the phone there is for emergency use only. I have not received one call from her in over 6 months.
 

lizanneem

New member
Nov 4, 2017
4
0
I am Mary Em's sister and want to thank all those who have replied about our problem with Mum ringing us from the home. I absolutely agree that the Home should be doing their best to distract her and giving her something to do instead of letting her phone us. It is so distressing,particularly last night for my sister as I couldnt help as had grandchildren staying with me. We are happy with the care at the home but have asked them to give her something to do as she gets very bored, particularly in the evenings and that is when she wants to use the phone. We have tried telling her that the doctor thinks its a good idea she is being looked after but she doesnt believe us! Thank you for all your kind comments and hugs! We appreciate them.