Care home blues...........

[yak55]

Mum has been in respite care for two weeks now with the only major problem being her lack of sleep although she seems to manage ok with very little.
My visit on Saturday was ok but mum had a few rears and it took all of my distraction tactics to keep the visit on an even keel. Today was a different story. She seemed sad and didn't want to stay there, more tears and shaking. She is terrified of being on her own and the staff have been trying different ways of getting mum to have some sleep, not medication I might add, but sitting in her room with her doing paperwork while mum is in bed and encouraging her to nap in one of the recliners.
I noticed that mums feet were puffy, something I'd never seen before and her slippers were tight. I told the manager and she said it was due to mum wandering and not resting.
None of the residents seem to eat much but then if they aren't expending the energy they won't.
We have to make a decision soon as to whether mum stays there as a permanent resident and it breaks my heart.
I've been told by more than one carer that when I'm not there she is happy and sociable, joining in any activities that are on offer.
So my conclusion is to limit my visits in these early days and keep mum as a respite resident for two more weeks as at the moment I'm torn as to know what to do.
Thanks for letting me sound off and for reading this if you do x

 

[Amethyst59]

Ooh, it’s a hard decision, isn’t it? But it does sound as if the staff are caring. Can your mum be encouraged to put her feet up when she is sitting down? It might well take time for her to settle, it is such a big change. It sounds like a wise decision for her to stay a little longer. I do hope she settles.

 

[SnowWhite]

I dont want to alarm you but swollen feet can also be a sign of heart problems so it might be worth getting you Mum checked out.

It does sound as though the staff are caring. Hope things improve. X

 

[Grannie G]

Yes @yak55 swollen feet shows fluid retention and needs checking out.

If you can, try to observe your mother in the residents sitting areas before she is aware you're there. It will give you a good indication of how she really is when you're not around.

I used to sneak a peep before my husband saw me and either he was communicating with the person sitting next to him , watching television or just relaxing in his chair. I never witnessed any sign of distress.

 

[jen54]

We are going through an adjustment period, its hard letting go control.
I have witnessed mum chatting and joining in, but also things that are concerning us.
My sister says they didn't come to fetch mum for dinner when she visited , and mum isnt being offered sandwiches or alternatives to food she wont eat, even though we have explained and written in her booklet, that she hates milk,and doesn't like many cooked meals.
They told my sister that mum likes dry toast..because they out butter on plate and mum doesn't spread it on toast..this is because mum doesn't know that's what to do.
I have been told so e very odd things about mum tbh,like she asked for omlette the wouldn't eat it..i queried,as mum cant eat eggs they give her a tummy ache and mum doesn't even like eggs..again,they had that info
That all Ger shampoo and shower gel went within two days..because her hair was greasy and needed washing twice..even though her hair was freshly washed the Friday.and I went again Sunday..and stuff used up.
Mums feet are swelling, I do think its fluid, and all the residents sit in upright chairs..and mo footstools in sight.
Though mum would need help to use one.
Sometimes I am wondering if they understand dementia,tbh
This is all adding to our worry about having to move mum into care.
Now my duster has seen mum can walk a little better with the zimmer she is saying she thi ks mum could cope if we moved her to a bungalow or flat. I know this would be I feasible and have told sister this.
The problem isnt the fact she is unsteady..its she forgets,she would forget her zimmer..she wouldn't be able to use kitchen ,and tbh a new hone would be as alien to her as the care home
So now I am having to fend off these ideas sister has as well as my own guilt at mum in a home
I know she is worse than we both think,as she has a good hostess mode,
But I was showing her how to use the flipper remote and she was trying it on her tv..and saying at same time that she didn't need it as she didn't phone anyone
She forgot her zimmer and could hardly shuffle to the chair in her room..and when I gave it to her and said use your frame she said it didn't have a seat so she needed a chair
And she thinks the trolleys going up corridor outside her room are trains..
When I hung a picture wonkey in her room she said it was moving due to the trains going past
At present its very hard for us all,as mum doesn't realise she cant live I independently and we feel helpless,
But I know mum cant live on her own, bring able to walk faster with her zimmer is the least of her problems

 

[Kikki21]

The swollen feet thing can be due to a lot of things but I was also told that because my mum isn’t actually lying down in bed much just sitting & sleeping in her chair then her feet & her legs will swell up & she has had this issue for a good while now. We didn’t realise it was because she was wandering around at night or going to the loo.

 

[Hazara8]

Mum has been in respite care for two weeks now with the only major problem being her lack of sleep although she seems to manage ok with very little.
My visit on Saturday was ok but mum had a few rears and it took all of my distraction tactics to keep the visit on an even keel. Today was a different story. She seemed sad and didn't want to stay there, more tears and shaking. She is terrified of being on her own and the staff have been trying different ways of getting mum to have some sleep, not medication I might add, but sitting in her room with her doing paperwork while mum is in bed and encouraging her to nap in one of the recliners.
I noticed that mums feet were puffy, something I'd never seen before and her slippers were tight. I told the manager and she said it was due to mum wandering and not resting.
None of the residents seem to eat much but then if they aren't expending the energy they won't.
We have to make a decision soon as to whether mum stays there as a permanent resident and it breaks my heart.
I've been told by more than one carer that when I'm not there she is happy and sociable, joining in any activities that are on offer.
So my conclusion is to limit my visits in these early days and keep mum as a respite resident for two more weeks as at the moment I'm torn as to know what to do.
Thanks for letting me sound off and for reading this if you do x

'Respite' is never an easy option. Your loved one is no longer within the framework of control, i.e. at home and that sense of helplessness is strong and ongoing. If you have already ascertained that the Home in question meets all the criteria that must apply to the care of your mother - i.e. a kind of 'home-from-home' whereby all the basic needs are in place and the CARE is sound - then you will find that the times you are not present, are very often both stable and beneficial to her well being. It takes a time for people to 'settle' into that new environment and depending on their presentation (dementia?) a turning point comes about and things improve. As a volunteer in a Care Home, apart from helping in most areas and communicating with residents (some are advanced in their dementia) I observe closely the behaviour patterns in each individual. In every case, there are moments of sustained 'calm' during which you can see that the person is NOT unhappy and certainly not engaged in thinking of 'home'. In respite, you will get the question "when am I going home?" to which a given and honest reply, say, "Friday at lunch time - your wife is collecting you" is enough to settle any anxiety. But once you move into the whole area of long-term residential care, then you have to accept that it is not always easy, but it DOES resolve itself through a given period of time.

Having lived through the whole spectrum of dementia, in caring for my own late mother - the eventual 'emergency respite', that period of 'settling into the Home' and then the following period of being able to visit and NOT feel anxious or upset at the prospect of tears, genuine distress and so on -- because she WAS settled and being properly looked after -- was a tremendous relief I can assure you. The great irony of, say Alzheimer;s (my mother's case) is that the short-term memory can melt away almost instantly, which affords a kind of release valve for the family member (say daughter) when you depart the facility. I always waited for the tea to be served before I left, as Mother was preoccupied with moving to the table and settling down with a cup of tea and thus not looking around for me. All of this must be gauged upon the individual case/person in question. You will know everything about your own mother and it is prudent to provide the home with her 'story'. her likes, dislikes etc., which enables Carers to properly engage with her on all levels. The fundamental thing in all of this, is the fact that there comes a point whereby you have NO CHOICE, i.e. you cannot manage to care for someone at home, nor continue to do so safely and effectively ALONE. However hard you try, however much you long to continue that loving role, it becomes impossible - simply that. That was my own case. I became ill, exhausted. In your heart, once you can say to yourself THIS IS THE BEST THING for your mother, knowing it to be true, then let that become a credo in your daily life. And yes, never feel bad about shedding a few tears - something which I see often in the Home I work in, but I also see laughter, beaming smiles and above all, some truly beautiful moments which encapsulate the essence of humanity and the perfume of authentic 'love'. With warmest wishes.

 

[yak55]

'Respite' is never an easy option. Your loved one is no longer within the framework of control, i.e. at home and that sense of helplessness is strong and ongoing. If you have already ascertained that the Home in question meets all the criteria that must apply to the care of your mother - i.e. a kind of 'home-from-home' whereby all the basic needs are in place and the CARE is sound - then you will find that the times you are not present, are very often both stable and beneficial to her well being. It takes a time for people to 'settle' into that new environment and depending on their presentation (dementia?) a turning point comes about and things improve. As a volunteer in a Care Home, apart from helping in most areas and communicating with residents (some are advanced in their dementia) I observe closely the behaviour patterns in each individual. In every case, there are moments of sustained 'calm' during which you can see that the person is NOT unhappy and certainly not engaged in thinking of 'home'. In respite, you will get the question "when am I going home?" to which a given and honest reply, say, "Friday at lunch time - your wife is collecting you" is enough to settle any anxiety. But once you move into the whole area of long-term residential care, then you have to accept that it is not always easy, but it DOES resolve itself through a given period of time.

Having lived through the whole spectrum of dementia, in caring for my own late mother - the eventual 'emergency respite', that period of 'settling into the Home' and then the following period of being able to visit and NOT feel anxious or upset at the prospect of tears, genuine distress and so on -- because she WAS settled and being properly looked after -- was a tremendous relief I can assure you. The great irony of, say Alzheimer;s (my mother's case) is that the short-term memory can melt away almost instantly, which affords a kind of release valve for the family member (say daughter) when you depart the facility. I always waited for the tea to be served before I left, as Mother was preoccupied with moving to the table and settling down with a cup of tea and thus not looking around for me. All of this must be gauged upon the individual case/person in question. You will know everything about your own mother and it is prudent to provide the home with her 'story'. her likes, dislikes etc., which enables Carers to properly engage with her on all levels. The fundamental thing in all of this, is the fact that there comes a point whereby you have NO CHOICE, i.e. you cannot manage to care for someone at home, nor continue to do so safely and effectively ALONE. However hard you try, however much you long to continue that loving role, it becomes impossible - simply that. That was my own case. I became ill, exhausted. In your heart, once you can say to yourself THIS IS THE BEST THING for your mother, knowing it to be true, then let that become a credo in your daily life. And yes, never feel bad about shedding a few tears - something which I see often in the Home I work in, but I also see laughter, beaming smiles and above all, some truly beautiful moments which encapsulate the essence of humanity and the perfume of authentic 'love'. With warmest wishes.

Thank you. Your reply helped me a lot especially as it was another 'bad day'

 

[yak55]

Ooh, it’s a hard decision, isn’t it? But it does sound as if the staff are caring. Can your mum be encouraged to put her feet up when she is sitting down? It might well take time for her to settle, it is such a big change. It sounds like a wise decision for her to stay a little longer. I do hope she settles.

They try to encourage raising her legs by sitting in a recliner and they sit with her at night to do their paperwork because she's afraid on her own.
It is so difficult. Thanks for your reply

 

[yak55]

We are going through an adjustment period, its hard letting go control.
I have witnessed mum chatting and joining in, but also things that are concerning us.
My sister says they didn't come to fetch mum for dinner when she visited , and mum isnt being offered sandwiches or alternatives to food she wont eat, even though we have explained and written in her booklet, that she hates milk,and doesn't like many cooked meals.
They told my sister that mum likes dry toast..because they out butter on plate and mum doesn't spread it on toast..this is because mum doesn't know that's what to do.
I have been told so e very odd things about mum tbh,like she asked for omlette the wouldn't eat it..i queried,as mum cant eat eggs they give her a tummy ache and mum doesn't even like eggs..again,they had that info
That all Ger shampoo and shower gel went within two days..because her hair was greasy and needed washing twice..even though her hair was freshly washed the Friday.and I went again Sunday..and stuff used up.
Mums feet are swelling, I do think its fluid, and all the residents sit in upright chairs..and mo footstools in sight.
Though mum would need help to use one.
Sometimes I am wondering if they understand dementia,tbh
This is all adding to our worry about having to move mum into care.
Now my duster has seen mum can walk a little better with the zimmer she is saying she thi ks mum could cope if we moved her to a bungalow or flat. I know this would be I feasible and have told sister this.
The problem isnt the fact she is unsteady..its she forgets,she would forget her zimmer..she wouldn't be able to use kitchen ,and tbh a new hone would be as alien to her as the care home
So now I am having to fend off these ideas sister has as well as my own guilt at mum in a home
I know she is worse than we both think,as she has a good hostess mode,
But I was showing her how to use the flipper remote and she was trying it on her tv..and saying at same time that she didn't need it as she didn't phone anyone
She forgot her zimmer and could hardly shuffle to the chair in her room..and when I gave it to her and said use your frame she said it didn't have a seat so she needed a chair
And she thinks the trolleys going up corridor outside her room are trains..
When I hung a picture wonkey in her room she said it was moving due to the trains going past
At present its very hard for us all,as mum doesn't realise she cant live I independently and we feel helpless,
But I know mum cant live on her own, bring able to walk faster with her zimmer is the least of her problems

I'm sorry to hear about your mum and the problems you have noticed. I too have the idea that we could let Mum live on her own but with live in carers but deep down I know it wouldn't work full stop, it's just the feeling of losing her to 'the system' to be in a home and not my home. I feel I've failed her but know I could not do it anymore.
The large liquid soap I took in has disappeared but been replaced with something else. I keep finding someone else's clothing in mums room but I accept this will happen if other residents don't have clothing labels. I have labelled everything of mums but dread seeing someone else in one of her jumpers!
The residents don't seem to eat much. I suppose they aren't using up much energy so therefore don't need it?
I'm 99.99999% sure this is the place for mum and it's practically on our doorstep but I'll feel better when she is more settled and I can take her out for a while knowing she will willingly return, that's what I'm scared of.
It's going to take time and it's something that I have to accept and get used to.
Thanks all for being so kind x

 

[love.dad.but..]

No one home offers everything to everybody and it's finding a balance between issues that are worth worrying about and other more serious issues that impact on the pwd or their care that should be addressed so a case of picking your battles. My dad's NH was overall good and I felt I had built a fairly good relationship with everyone so I could speak freely about anything and they with me. I had day to day chats with staff who were all approachable so any minor problems could be dealt with I had a couple of serious issues during his time but these were effectively dealt with by the Manager.If your mum stays long term both she and you will begin to adjust..It is difficult to let go and accept that something a pwd would not have eaten or done at home changes whether through the change of care environment or the illness decline. Dad was a walker day and night and his legs and feet were always swollen...of course he needed to rest and elevate his legs but didn't have understanding to do that. Just make sure the staff are monitoring in case cellulitis develops which can be serious. It sounds as though the staff are thinking of ways to help your mum in terms of sitting with her to give extra reassurance.

 

[Toony Oony]

I know how difficult it is, when you want everything to be absolutely perfect in the PWD's new home - especially when you have gone through all the angst about moving them there in the first place. However it does sound to me as if the staff are on the right track, and as they get to know your Mum a more 'tailored and personal' approach to her care will develop and they will even start to recognise which clothes are hers, when the labels come off! I realise that things frequently 'go missing' or get mis-appropriated in residential care, but it's not just in care homes, they do in most communal living environments too.
I will not accept service that is under par in any situation - thankfully my Mum's CH is extremely good - so it is rarely necessary. But I have bitten my tongue and not made a fuss about the occasional clothing mishap (Mum doesnt even realise), or the odd food issue. I have been mindful to 'not sweat the small stuff' so on the odd occasion when it is important and I need to intervene/interfere - they know I mean business.
In the 6 months Mum has been in her CH, I have built up a few relationships with several carers/staff and a friendly, quick word with a bit of a laugh eg 'why has Mum got all odd socks and no pairs ...... perhaps she has a hidden sock mountain?' or 'X has gone missing, could you keep an eye open when you are on your rounds please?' Generally means that the matter will be looked into with no accusations or stress.
Hope all goes well.