Got cross again and hate myself

[SnowWhite]

went to visit Mum today and got cross and hated myself for doing so. Got there and she said she had been lonely all morning. I go every other day plus she gets other visitors. Then she said one of her soft toys was missing but it isnt, I checked. Then she wanted a wee so I helped her to her ensuite. Just sat down again and back we had to go again to change her stoma bag. Got her all cleaned, tucked in and sat down and she wanted another wee. In total we went 4 - 3 times for a wee and she didnt do one at all and once for the stoma bag. Then the rest of the afternoon she went on and on about things going missing and I got cross with her. She doesnt have a urine infection as they check but she does have this toilet fixation.

I had spent all morning cooking a roast lunch for 5, sat down for half an hour afterwards and then drove 8 miles to visit her. My OH says I shouldnt go so often as its stressing me out but then I feel guilty like today when she said she felt lonely.

A carer came in and we had a chat and I said that Mum had been feeling lonely. She said about 5 other residents were having their tea in the upstairs lounge and she said she would come and get Mum if she wanted to join them. Straight away she was saying she wasnt very hungry and I could see she was trying to get out of it. I hung on and went down with her and theyd got a lovely tea of sandwiches, bowls of chips and homemade cakes! I noticed she was not talking much so went and got her new batteries for her hearing aids and she was like a different woman! I must remind the staff about changing her batteries because she cant do it herself.

 

[LadyA]

This obsession with the loo is very common, @SnowWhite. It could be psychological, part of the dementia, but actually, in elderly women, it can also have a physical cause. After the menopause, the lack of estrogen causes the vaginal walls to thin. Sometimes, this can eventually lead to the same symptoms as cystitis. And in the longer term, it can lead to "leakage" and incontinence.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Hi snowwhite..you are only human and you get cross because its more frustration. Ideally you would like to have a pleasant afternoon with your mum..but in reality your mums ways frustrate you..i use to feel the same a few years back as mum would be similar..dont be to hard on yourself..hugs to you.xx ps tell care staff to put hesr aids in your mums care plan xxx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @SnowWhite

When my husband went into residential care I insisted from day one he was not to be allowed to stay in his room. His room was to be used as a bedroom one.

I knew if he was given the choice he would choose to stay alone, but if he was expected to join others in the sitting room he would.

He used to tell me he was lonely when he was at home with me so the last thing I wanted was for him to be even more lonely in residential care.

In addition to this I did no hands on caring for him. The staff were responsible for personal care when I wasn't there and I thought it would confuse him if I took over when I visited.

For us, it made life easier all round to `let go` of personal care and just be a visitor.

 

[Moggymad]

Every time I go to see mum she needs the toilet, sometimes more than once. It takes up such a lot of time, then getting us a cup of tea & hanging up her clothes which after being washed they put in drawers which mean they get creased up. I have a bit of an issue going on at the moment over incontinence wear. This last time there wasn't a single pad or pull-up anywhere in her room despite me saying about this several times before. I have thought about getting the care staff to deal with the toilet requests but it's always when we are alone in her room so I tend to do it myself. It does give me the opportunity though to check her skin which is usually sore - another issue.
Once a carer always a carer

 

[jenniferpa]

You are human. Of course on occasion you lose it. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't. You aren't blaming anyone
for it, but please, don't blame yourself.

 

[Kikki21]

My mum also has a toilet obsession which has been ongoing for years. It is psychological as there is nothing physically wrong with her bladder & unfortunately since her dementia symptoms have got worse then so have her toilet demands. It also looks like it has led to double incontinence issues too.
My mum has also complained of being lonely but then she doesn’t talk to people either. Since being admitted to hospital, she has been surrounded by people but none of them talk to one another on the ward. It’s actually quite weird!

 

[father ted]

Yes, my Mum too was obsessed with the toilet. Whilst with me she went sometimes 4 times in an hour.
Since going into care home she is much better.

Don't stress yourself out about what you have or not said. We are all human. You try to see Mum every other day which is quite a commitment. I am sure your Mum looks forward to your visit and that it breaks up the day for her and provides her with some different stimulation.

 

[Tralouise]

We are all trying our best in this awful situation. Mums been in hospital 6 months and ill 9 months but rapid decline, doc says brain scan shows some vascular and brain. Shrinkage, all frontal lobe, but we are awaiting a diagnosis;he won't do that until her psychosis is controlled, I feel guilt about everything, not visiting some days, having to leave her when I go, telling her off yesterday as she refused medications food and water, guilty coz we got her new dentures and had her teeth removed and paid £1,100 for dentures which she refuses to wear. I've realised with this horrific illness feeling guilty comes with the territory and I'm trying so hard to not feel it! This must be the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I'm struggling, I've put two stone on as I comfort eat. Any advice or tips on how to deal with this overwhelming sadness I feel every day other than a lovely meal and lots off chocolate and goodies to "cheer me up"

 

[Tralouise]

We are all trying our best in this awful situation. Mums been in hospital 6 months and ill 9 months but rapid decline, doc says brain scan shows some vascular and brain. Shrinkage, all frontal lobe, but we are awaiting a diagnosis;he won't do that until her psychosis is controlled, I feel guilt about everything, not visiting some days, having to leave her when I go, telling her off yesterday as she refused medications food and water, guilty coz we got her new dentures and had her teeth removed and paid £1,100 for dentures which she refuses to wear. I've realised with this horrific illness feeling guilty comes with the territory and I'm trying so hard to not feel it! This must be the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I'm struggling, I've put two stone on as I comfort eat. Any advice or tips on how to deal with this overwhelming sadness I feel every day other than a lovely meal and lots off chocolate and goodies to "cheer me up"

 

[MaNaAk]

went to visit Mum today and got cross and hated myself for doing so. Got there and she said she had been lonely all morning. I go every other day plus she gets other visitors. Then she said one of her soft toys was missing but it isnt, I checked. Then she wanted a wee so I helped her to her ensuite. Just sat down again and back we had to go again to change her stoma bag. Got her all cleaned, tucked in and sat down and she wanted another wee. In total we went 4 - 3 times for a wee and she didnt do one at all and once for the stoma bag. Then the rest of the afternoon she went on and on about things going missing and I got cross with her. She doesnt have a urine infection as they check but she does have this toilet fixation.

I had spent all morning cooking a roast lunch for 5, sat down for half an hour afterwards and then drove 8 miles to visit her. My OH says I shouldnt go so often as its stressing me out but then I feel guilty like today when she said she felt lonely.

A carer came in and we had a chat and I said that Mum had been feeling lonely. She said about 5 other residents were having their tea in the upstairs lounge and she said she would come and get Mum if she wanted to join them. Straight away she was saying she wasnt very hungry and I could see she was trying to get out of it. I hung on and went down with her and theyd got a lovely tea of sandwiches, bowls of chips and homemade cakes! I noticed she was not talking much so went and got her new batteries for her hearing aids and she was like a different woman! I must remind the staff about changing her batteries because she cant do it herself.

Dear Snow White,

I had a bit of a melt down today because I tried to get dad to help wipe the dishes and he kept walking away after having wiped one only and I kept having to repeat myself. I know he can't help it and I shouldn't behave like that but it's very difficult. I am also at a crossroads because dad has cataracts and I can see how these are affecting his dementia but then a general anaesthetic will affect him as well. Anyway it could be that my brothers and I will agree with the operation as we think dad could benefit but it's very difficult.

MaNaAk

 

[SnowWhite]

Dear Snow White,

I had a bit of a melt down today because I tried to get dad to help wipe the dishes and he kept walking away after having wiped one only and I kept having to repeat myself. I know he can't help it and I shouldn't behave like that but it's very difficult. I am also at a crossroads because dad has cataracts and I can see how these are affecting his dementia but then a general anaesthetic will affect him as well. Anyway it could be that my brothers and I will agree with the operation as we think dad could benefit but it's very difficult.

MaNaAk

Xxx

 

[doodle1]

MaNaAk just for your info your dad doesn't need a general anaesthetic for cataract operation . And you could go with him. Done as a day case one at a time. Pm me if you want further details x
And Snow White I sympathise and meltdowns come out of the blue sometimes . I was fine until two weeks ago and I was taking mum to hospital again for her INR blood tests. Her coordination has good days and bad.so I was transferring her from car to wheelchair with great difficulty and she wasn't helping or could even help and we had a near miss of a fall and I just burst into tears and said couldn't you for once just once help me? But there was no option but to try again so I stopped sobbing and got on with it as so many of us do. Big hugs