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[Doyley]

Hi,

This is my first message and in a way I feel really strange posting it now.

Both my parents had dementia. Mum was 58 year old when she first showed the signs of Alzheimers. She died in 1998, after
13 years of the illness.

Ded was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's five years ago. We cared for him until he needed full time care (still struggling with that decision) Dad died on 1st August 2007. That's why I feel a little strange posting now.

But the truth is I am really struggling at the moment. I miss him so much and feel so guilty about lots of things. This has brought up alot of feelings I buried about mum. I feel guilty about the relief that is was over!!

I feel so down and then angry. Dementia is such a cruel illness and why is it that the effects carry on so long?

Sorry it seems so negative, but that is the way I am feeling. I can't share this with my family as they have lived through the last 20 years with me and need to move on.

I know it will get easier with time, but now is hard.

Even if no one reads this I feel better writing it down.

thanks

Doyley

 

[Vera]

I'm reading Doyley. Please don't blame yourself for feelings of guilt or anger.
You did the best you could under the circumstances. Greveing can take a long time so don't be hard on yourself. Take one day at a time and look after you.
Write all you want, I'm sure it's very therapeutic and your among people who understand your feelings.

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Doyley

I read it
Welcome to TP
Barb & Ron

 

[Doyley]

I'm reading Doyley. Please don't blame yourself for feelings of guilt or anger.
You did the best you could under the circumstances. Greveing can take a long time so don't be hard on yourself. Take one day at a time and look after you.
Write all you want, I'm sure it's very therapeutic and your among people who understand your feelings.

Thank you for being there at this time of night. I think I find it difficult as the first year hasn't been that difficult but now I am finding it hard. I am now remembering more about dad as he was before the dementia instead of feeling relieved that it was over for me and him. I am now missing my dad as he was not with dementia. I feel stupid in a way as I have grown family of my own, I am not a child.

Doyley

 

[Doyley]

I read it
Welcome to TP
Barb & Ron

Thank you for being there and for the welcome

Doyley

 

[Chrissyan]

Doyley, we are all flung blindly into the deep end the first time we encounter this illness. We do the best we are able with the knowledge, resources, help & experience we have available to us at the time. You have nothing to feel guilty about regarding your mum, of course you were relieved the suffering was over.

 

[Skye]

Dear Doyley

Welcome to TP. Please don't be afraid to express your emotions, we're all in the same boat here, and we do understand.

I'm afraid guilt is one of the emotions we all share. In the nature of the disease, we are never going to win, and we always feel we could have tried harder, had more patience, done more to help.

Your grief just now is natural, the first anniversary of your dad's death. And you are not just grieving his death, you are also grieving for your mum. One loss brings back to the surface all the emotions of previous losses.

Give yourself time. This first anniversary is the worst. You'll get through it, and the next one won't be so bad. Not that you'll forget your mum and dad, they'll always be with you. But the pain will get less, I promise you.

Please post here whenever you want to. We understand.

Love,

 

[Lynne]

Hi Doyley

I can identify with what you are feeling. My Dad died 30 years ago (cancer) but I buried my feelings & looked after funeral arrangements, getting probate sorted etc etc, and supporting my Mum, helping her sell the house & find somewhere smaller...
In other words, I didn't allow myself to grieve at the time; I told myself I'd done all my grieving during his illness.

But it doesn't work that way. It lurks & festers, and about 20 years later something quite unrelated sparked it off & I really went to pieces.
Allow yourself to grieve, get the guilt-monster off your shoulder for imagined "could've done better" things, forgive yourself for not having a magic wand.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Doyley,

I'm so glad for you that you've found TP as you have found out you can post a message at any time of the day. It is all very well that there are all sorts of support groups, but it's no good that the next meeting is on Wednesday at 3pm if you need a "shoulder" at another time.

It is brave of you to have posted and it is also very helpful to others going through a similar thing. There are no rules about handling the effects of dementia and it is certainly something they don't teach you at school.

There are no rules about grieving either, I know that the slightest thing can trigger off the grief. My Dad died six months ago, it was expected, he had been very ill and it was all very peaceful, so in a way, an ideal way to go. Out of the blue last week, I was sitting in a cafe having a coffee, when at a nearby table a father was sitting with his little daughter, helping her eat her spaghetti; it was such a lovely father/daughter moment, I felt quite tearful as I realised how much I was missing my father.

There are also so many guilt feelings and they can surface at any time too. Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to look after my parents at home? The list is endless. All that matters is that we all do our best, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way. None of us is perfect.

Keeping on "chatting" on TP; it has helped me and thousands of others to see things from the right angle.

 

[Helen33]

Hello Doyley

I would like to say welcome to Talking Point and I hope you get the support you are seeking at this time.

You say you are really struggling at the moment and I was wondering whether you have considered bereavement counselling? The focus would be solely you and your experience and you may find it a relief to be able to have some significant time to talk to someone.

In any case, whether you do or not, Talking Point is always here and you can use it as and when you need. There is a specific section on TP about "After Dementia - Dealing with Loss" which you might find helpful if you haven't already seen it.

Love

 

[christine_batch]

Hello Doyley

Welcome to Talking Point.

You will find there are so many of us that carry the guilt factor.

We can only do our best. By posting here at any time and reading other posts you will see you are not alone.

You have experience and knowledge that may help other people.

Best wishes
Christine