Angry!

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
This might help someone suffering from anger whilst caring for a loved one. I have cared for my 93 year old mum with advanced dementia for 3years in my home. She is very benign and despite being totally unaware of her body, emotions and having severe memory loss, she does know me and is basically no trouble! However 18mnths into my caring for her ( I have no siblings, and my two grown up children live a long way away) I used to go crazy if she had a pooy accident, ranting and raving at her. I hasten to add this was totally and utterly not my usual behavior....I wept bitterly afterwards in my room. When I apologized to her, she didn’t have a clue what I was apologizing for. My daughter suggested I needed help so a wonderful and experienced councilor gave me some time to explain my real but out of character behavior. She immediately said that I was suffering grief and pre bereavement. I’ve lost my mum, but still have to deal with the body. I love my mum deeply, she has been a perfect mum and this behavior left me feeling so guilty. I’m glad to say that since the “ diagnosis “ I am loads better. I still get really mad about the screamingly endless grind of being a soul carer 24/7 but never at mum just at the disease ......

It's the same with dad, he is such a kind soul and a gentleman, he is generous, good humoured and quiet funny at times but he still drives me mad and sometimes I respond a little bit blunter than I should when he has asked me the same thing twenty times in an hour. Then I feel so guilty and ashamed and mean but he doesn't seem to notice because he will still ask me again.

I feel I am looking after him everyday but he doesn't realise that I never get a day off and it's not his fault that I am bored to tears with the same shops and the same awful TV programmes day after day. It's not his fault that my life has turned into a very boring version of groundhog day that I can't escape from that seems like it will never end.

This is such a cruel and evil illness. I hate it.
 

Bolo

New member
Oct 5, 2017
9
0
Like Rainbowcat and subsequent respondents, I am angry about the position I am in. Immediately after finishing a full time demanding career to pursue my interests and be in control of my life I ended up with my sister sharing the care of my mother who has dementia. All my plans were put on hold, and still are! Sadly my sister died last year, I have been caring for my mother full time for more than 12 months, It is frustrating, dull, seemingly endless. Ultimately I am living my mother’s life not mine. I love my mother. She is 88 and has had a good life and at my age she did exactly what she wanted to do. I know if she didn’t have dementia she would not want me to give up mine for her. But how can I live my life knowing she is in a care home which she would detest (she becomes very angry with me when I arrange respite care from time to time). I would spend all my time feeling guilty. So I am in a conundrum. Living my own life would mean feeling utterly guilty while continuing to care for her on a full time basis is no life at all. Friends are sympathetic but rarely offer help and maybe I should not expect this. Fatuous comments from them like ‘you are so lucky to still have your mother’ serve only to frustrate. Of course I appreciate still having my mother but increasingly she does not recognise me as her daughter, everything I do is taken for granted and I have subjugated my life for my mother’s.
 

Obis mum

New member
Feb 2, 2018
8
0
Does anyone else feel angry that they're loved one has dementia ? my lovely mum has it and I look around at ladies her age or older happily going about their business and think why my mum why not you wrong I know. Rant over !
YES I do,she worked all her life from age 14, shes had 8 children ran a home very efficiently , looked after my dad who was not easy, he was depressed, ptsd, diabetic, and very much I cant do man, yes I get angry and tearful
 

Obis mum

New member
Feb 2, 2018
8
0
It's the same with dad, he is such a kind soul and a gentleman, he is generous, good humoured and quiet funny at times but he still drives me mad and sometimes I respond a little bit blunter than I should when he has asked me the same thing twenty times in an hour. Then I feel so guilty and ashamed and mean but he doesn't seem to notice because he will still ask me again.

I feel I am looking after him everyday but he doesn't realise that I never get a day off and it's not his fault that I am bored to tears with the same shops and the same awful TV programmes day after day. It's not his fault that my life has turned into a very boring version of groundhog day that I can't escape from that seems like it will never end.

This is such a cruel and evil illness. I hate it.
Have you applied for attendance allowance? this would enable you to purchase some private care, I have done just this, I have been VERY lucky with the carers, all 3 known to us, and Im happy and trust them all , one makes scrap books and discusses her great grandsons succeses with her, another is a good friend of my daughter so is able to talk about grandchildren etc, another is a close neighbour who goes in very early , as early is difficult for some of us
 

Jingle

Registered User
Dec 15, 2015
2
0
Does anyone else feel angry that they're loved one has dementia ? my lovely mum has it and I look around at ladies her age or older happily going about their business and think why my mum why not you wrong I know. Rant over !

Yes, constantly. I do the same - my mum's only just 73 and I look at people like Helen Mirren (72) and people much older but still living really full, vibrant and active lives, and I feel she's been robbed, cheated. My mum should be enjoying herself now, not stuck in a nursing home looking vacant, doubly incontinent, incapable of walking. She's had a rotten life, too, and has only ever wanted things to be 'nice', has always been so generous, thoughtful and kind. Her husband is a chronic alcoholic who has made her life a misery but she was too soft to ever boot him out - it's unfair she's got this now and not him!
 

Responder227

Registered User
Sep 26, 2016
2
0
Yes, I get angry at times. I get angry with my mother because I sometimes feel that she probably could have done more to help stave off this cruel disease. She is now in a full time dementia care home and is 86. She did not exercise or stimulate her brain in the last 20 years and then, as is common with this disease, had absolutely no insight in to her condition and refused to be helped until it was too late. Looking back we can know trace the onset of a deteriorating mental condition to a bad water skiing accident mum had in her late fifties, which changed her character from an outgoing fun loving person to a more reclusive selfish person.
The trouble with Dementia is that it has a habit of accentuating the worst traits in people - if only it was the good ones! This means that someone with a selfish streak, or used to getting their own way, becomes even more selfish and demanding. As a medic I know on a rational level that the disease is not her fault and will only get worse, but it does not stop me from getting angry at the burden it has placed on my, my partner and my siblings lives. Fortunately I am able to vent in front of my partner or colleagues, all of whom are understanding, and I feel better and continue to visit her and look after her affairs.
It is hard because you are actually grieving for a relative who is still alive. Suddenly you have lost the person you knew and loved (in whatever way) and have to try and understand this stranger who looks just like your mum or dad but isn't them in character or behaviour.
 

climbeverymount

Registered User
Feb 22, 2017
3
0
East Devon
Does anyone else feel angry that they're loved one has dementia ? my lovely mum has it and I look around at ladies her age or older happily going about their business and think why my mum why not you wrong I know. Rant over !
Yes I am constantly angry with a man who is not even my husband!! We met 17 years ago and had a very brief affair which turned into a lasting friendship. However he had a very possessive mother who wanted him at home! 7 years later she died and I thought we would marry and set up together, but still he was apathetic. This apathy I now understand as early frontal lobe dementia. His symptoms developed into Parkinsonionism and he had a scan which showed considerable brain shrinkage. It was a shock and now I am his carer as he has no family at all. I am angry that he never bothered to marry me to give me security, to enable me to care for him full time. Instead I spend my days driving between our two houses. I cook for him, do all his business and take him out and about.I resent that I have no life, few friends and my own health and finances have suffered. Am I a complete 'mug' or do I love him? Why do I stay with him when I could walk away, but that would mean I was alone.....I grieve that I have lost my best friend too. Sad case, eh! Material for a novel I think, once he has got beyond it!
 

LesleyG

Registered User
Feb 4, 2017
29
0
@rainbowcat, for what it's worth, i hear you on the anger. For me it was a lot of anger and resentment about the job of carer being forced on me. I'm an only child, parents divorced when I was young, father died 20 years ago, mother is also an only, she wasn't a great mother and we were never close and I didn't have much contact for many years, she wasn't abusive but basically had no business being a mother, sorry to go on, but I think I at least have an idea of where you're coming from.

Again, for what it's worth, until I found other people here on TP in similar situations, I felt very alone and like a freak or terrible person. There are other carers out there in similar circumstances.

It took me a long struggle and a lot of time with a therapist, but I finally decided that I was going to have to come to grips, somehow, with this situation or it was going to eat me alive. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not as bad.

So the short answer about what I did, was to decide to think about the situation this way: what do I need to do, to be able to look myself in the mirror and live with myself and my actions? What will allow me to sleep at night? What needs to happen to care for her, but in a way that won't kill me? Basically I reframed the way I thought about her needs and care, from that viewpoint.

This is not the best explanation, but it's a start. There were a lot of other things I did that helped, and it wasn't quick or easy. Nothing about dementia is easy! But you cannot blame yourself for, or allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt about, issues that are caused by the disease, rather than by you. That way madness lies.

I wish I didn't have to do this. (In fact, if I could, in good faith, refuse the PoA and turn this job over to someone else, I would, in a second. This is not an option for me.) I wish she didn't have dementia, a disease I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wish we could have had a good relationship, or at least, a better one. I wish a lot of things, but it is what it is.

The only practical suggestion I can make (as someone who used to be on the receiving end of the zillion phone calls every day), is, don't answer the phone every time. Let it go to voicemail and maybe don't even listen to them. Get a dedicated phone just for him to call, if it ties up your phone too much. Screen the calls and if you have to turn your phone off at night to sleep, so be it. At one point, the phone calls were so frequent and upsetting, that I would burst into tears every time the phone rang. (I wish I were making that up but it's true.) Don't be like I was!

Besides TP, I found a local support group. It took some time but it's been a good support. It can be very validating and reassuring to be in a room of people who all understand what you're going through, and don't think you're exaggerating or are nuts. For a long time, I felt like an alien, like I didn't belong with "normal" people (non-carers) because they had no idea what I was experiencing and I had no way to describe it. Most of them didn't want to know.

Now I'm waffling and will stop. I just wanted you to feel, maybe a tiny bit less alone and that there may be people who understand some of what you're saying. Best wishes.

Amazing! All that you have said, I could have also said. I think its difficult for us all caring for parents with Dementia. Both of my parents have it. But, its all the more difficult if you are dealing with a parent who never gave You much love. Who was emotionally abusive, who knocked you around as a child. And, now I find it so difficult to give. I also have had to deal with one parent bullying the other. Once again both physical and emotional abuse. So, I do what I can. You are right. The phone calls need screening. My heart sinks when the phone rings. Even if its not my parents its their Carers! As much as I can, I try to detach myself. But the whole problem is not easy. I am very aware I need to save time for me. As hopefully, we will still have a life to live when we stop being Carers!
 

Dawnster

Registered User
Jun 21, 2015
2
0
Warwickshire
Angry??....tbh I’m not angry with my mother for having dementia, or am I angry that I chose to give up a wonderful life abroad & move back to the uk to care for her 24/7 at her home for the past three years, even though I have a brother & a sister that both live within 10 mins drive of her house..... what I Am angry about is that since returning to mums house in the uk both my siblings now take me for granted that I’m there with her & therefore 'think' I don’t need them to help out or possibly visit us even once a week to maybe give her her dinner so that I get a break for an hour or two each week.
I’ve never put her in respite. I haven’t even been out of the house more than a handful of times per year (for a docs appointment for myself for example) as I do everything including the weekly ASDA shop online & rely on deliveries. So when I have recently asked if they’d help out by giving me time out they were "too busy with their own families/lives" to be able to help but keep showering me with what a great job I do .
Suffice to say I’ve gotten rather down that I feel trapped & on my own. I still love being here with mum & never get angry with her at all, but I am very angry towards my siblings selfishness.
Over the past few months I have begun to drink more than ever before, not scarey amounts but enough to worry myself I could be at the top of a slippery slope I actually even left my mother for 3 hours on Sunday & went out to the pub had a few drinks & socialised. Mum was fine, but I did feel terribly guilty I’d gone out. I spoke to my brother about this & he told me if I’m ever worried too much just phone him & he’d come down at once......long story short = weds night I telephoned my sis & brother to say I’ve had a few drinks at the house but could they come help me cook mums dinner. My brother turned up a few hours later, we had a massive row which is unusual for us but I think I actually told him how angry I am at them for being so selfish towards me & mum. His reaction to this (although I thought it a bit harsh) was to throw me out the house but as I said I had had a drink so understandable.
That was Wednesday night, he has not allowed me back in the house since or had any contact with me & this morning, Saturday, I have just heard from my niece that he has put my mum in a residential home an hour ago
..... so anger? No, I’m not angry with mum or her disease...but I am angry with uncaring siblings.
ps: sry for going on & on but I’m absolutely shocked at his behaviour, Mum will be devastated :(((
 

JUDEKO

New member
Feb 10, 2018
2
0
Amazing! All that you have said, I could have also said. I think its difficult for us all caring for parents with Dementia. Both of my parents have it. But, its all the more difficult if you are dealing with a parent who never gave You much love. Who was emotionally abusive, who knocked you around as a child. And, now I find it so difficult to give. I also have had to deal with one parent bullying the other. Once again both physical and emotional abuse. So, I do what I can. You are right. The phone calls need screening. My heart sinks when the phone rings. Even if its not my parents its their Carers! As much as I can, I try to detach myself. But the whole problem is not easy. I am very aware I need to save time for me. As hopefully, we will still have a life to live when we stop being Carers!
Amazing! All that you have said, I could have also said. I think its difficult for us all caring for parents with Dementia. Both of my parents have it. But, its all the more difficult if you are dealing with a parent who never gave You much love. Who was emotionally abusive, who knocked you around as a child. And, now I find it so difficult to give. I also have had to deal with one parent bullying the other. Once again both physical and emotional abuse. So, I do what I can. You are right. The phone calls need screening. My heart sinks when the phone rings. Even if its not my parents its their Carers! As much as I can, I try to detach myself. But the whole problem is not easy. I am very aware I need to save time for me. As hopefully, we will still have a life to live when we stop being Carers!
 

Princess t

Registered User
Mar 15, 2016
184
0
Now I just feel really sad, my mom was my best friend, I loved going round to hers, showing her the things we were doing in the house, sharing Holidays, sharing my children. Now there's nothing, she's just not interested in anything, I tell her what we are up to but she's on a loop of conversation. She's in a care home being looked after. But that's it......so sad......
 

Towerscroft

New member
Jan 5, 2018
1
0
My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 58 and my mum has it too. I wish I could be angry about its cause that would help. Just sad at the moment
 

AL60

Registered User
Oct 14, 2016
509
0
Cheshire
Hi. Just picked up on this thread. Anger , yes , i get that. At age sixty, looking forward to a fun retirement after working for the last forty five years, seeing your pension disappear into care costs. Anger, bitterness , frustration. After all , who can I be angry with. Certainly not my wife, it's not her fault. Angry with the care people , definitely not , angry with the system in general , what's the point. Stuff happens in life and I guess you just have to face up to it head on and deal with it. For me, if I just start to think of what's happening and of our future, that's when I get angry. It doesn't last too long though . It's unhealthy, i don't think happy thoughts , there are none. I just get sad.then a new day dawns and once again there's too much going on to take my mind off things. Think it's time to sleep, another long day starts soon, too soon. So goodnight. . Al.
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
0
Angry??....tbh I’m not angry with my mother for having dementia, or am I angry that I chose to give up a wonderful life abroad & move back to the uk to care for her 24/7 at her home for the past three years, even though I have a brother & a sister that both live within 10 mins drive of her house..... what I Am angry about is that since returning to mums house in the uk both my siblings now take me for granted that I’m there with her & therefore 'think' I don’t need them to help out or possibly visit us even once a week to maybe give her her dinner so that I get a break for an hour or two each week.
I’ve never put her in respite. I haven’t even been out of the house more than a handful of times per year (for a docs appointment for myself for example) as I do everything including the weekly ASDA shop online & rely on deliveries. So when I have recently asked if they’d help out by giving me time out they were "too busy with their own families/lives" to be able to help but keep showering me with what a great job I do .
Suffice to say I’ve gotten rather down that I feel trapped & on my own. I still love being here with mum & never get angry with her at all, but I am very angry towards my siblings selfishness.
Over the past few months I have begun to drink more than ever before, not scarey amounts but enough to worry myself I could be at the top of a slippery slope I actually even left my mother for 3 hours on Sunday & went out to the pub had a few drinks & socialised. Mum was fine, but I did feel terribly guilty I’d gone out. I spoke to my brother about this & he told me if I’m ever worried too much just phone him & he’d come down at once......long story short = weds night I telephoned my sis & brother to say I’ve had a few drinks at the house but could they come help me cook mums dinner. My brother turned up a few hours later, we had a massive row which is unusual for us but I think I actually told him how angry I am at them for being so selfish towards me & mum. His reaction to this (although I thought it a bit harsh) was to throw me out the house but as I said I had had a drink so understandable.
That was Wednesday night, he has not allowed me back in the house since or had any contact with me & this morning, Saturday, I have just heard from my niece that he has put my mum in a residential home an hour ago
..... so anger? No, I’m not angry with mum or her disease...but I am angry with uncaring siblings.
ps: sry for going on & on but I’m absolutely shocked at his behaviour, Mum will be devastated :(((
This awful and I am going through the same thing with siblings. The stress and trouble they cause. They have tried to kick me out a few times but mum wants me here so I try to not let them get to me but they do. It would be different if they just stayed away but they interfere in her care, disrespect anything advice I give them are apparently in denial about her dementia but I think that they don't want to know. Like you I'm being taken for granted and her full time care is just left to me. It's not fair on me and it's really not fair on mum. The only thing keeping me going is that I am doing the right thing by mum and as hard as it is you have to let siblings behaviour go over your head. How could your brother just put your mum in a home? You should contact social services. My siblings want mum in a home and she's still OK to stay in her own home with me so it's not up to them but they want to stress me out so much that I walk out as they are afraid ill get to stay in the house. That's all they are worth about. I hope you can work things out and do what's best for your mum and you. Siblings just make your life a misery. I bite my tongue for mums sake but I'll tell them how selfish they have been when mum is gone and hopefully I will never have to see them again. I really feel so sorry for you. Alot of people don't know just how cruel siblings can be. Chin up you're not the only one. When I look at my mum here, warm and comfortable and content most of the time anyway for now I know that there is no way she would survive in a home.
 

Tomcat

Registered User
Mar 20, 2016
26
0
Does anyone else feel angry that they're loved one has dementia ? my lovely mum has it and I look around at ladies her age or older happily going about their business and think why my mum why not you wrong I know. Rant over !

I was born with spina bifita and throughout my childhood was in and out of hospital as well as being stared at and discriminated at most of my adult life but I never thought why me. My mum taint me to be strong and hold my head high, which I did. I live a very independent life and went on to achieve a Degree in University, but when my mum got her dementia I thought why her? You have every right to sometimes feel angry. I do but what I get more angry about is the standard of care in these care homes. Sub standard care with sub standard food. CQC get involved and massive cover up from care homes happen and the who system in monitoring these homes does not work! It’s fustrating.
 

maldives

New member
Nov 17, 2017
7
0
HI to you rainbowcat.
If i say that i 100% know how you feel about this situation as i do the same, i often fight with what i should do and what i want to do.
My mum and i are not the 'close' daughter that should always be in her life.
I was brought up very well and loved, but i lost my dad over 20 yrs ago sadly to which i have never got over, as we were very close despite my mum's feelings. I left home when i was 16, and like you could go on for ever about this but i have now put all that behind me and am able to now move on with my life.
My mum is now 86yrs old and has been in a home nearly 3 years now.
When my mum was able to do things before it got any worse, she took out 2 plans 1 that made my brother attorney over her money and the other over her care.
I'd been to see mum a few weeks before she got really bad, and to my horror i tried to call my mum and the number was no more, worried i called my brother to ask what was going on, who then told me that she had gone into a home, and had been there over 5 months before i was ever told anything......I was so so upset and angry that i hadn't been told anything about it and so went to see her and i was there maybe 15/20 minutes i was mortified that my mum didn't even know who i was and i just had to leave as i couldn't take the pain nor the anger of seeing her like that just awful and i was powerless to help her at all!
I suffer myself with Lupus and many other medical things and before my mum got really ill we saw each other when we could as i have many times when i'm in bed or hospital.
I know this may seem awful, but iv now decided not to go and see her anymore, because i just cannot bear to see her the way she is, i then get stressed out and my lupus plays up once again (its stress triggered). Mum has just moved homes as the one she was in had to be shut down....so why put mum there at all? she was pushed by another member of the home so hard she broke her hip and pelvis...and was sent to the hospital on her own...????disgusting i think, but because i have no say what can i do? i used to be a nurse and loved my job and all my patients that should never have happened, but my brother is so laid back he really is, because i know more about the system than he dose, but still i'm not allowed to have any say. mum has just gone into another home @£ 1,000 per week and my brother has paid out so far £101, 276!
At this rate he will only have enough money to pay for mum's care for a couple of years at that price, mum had to sell her house to pay for it.
So i guess the answer is yes you can be as angry as you want to be about the way this awful illness takes hold of the mum, dad etc whoever has it it's just so degrading, my mum would die if she knew what she was like now bless her, and yes i do love her but i just want to keep in the background now its to much stress for me, my brothers no help either i would never have done that to him ever, i really don't know how him and his wife sleep at night.....beyond me.....))
Huge rant over thank goodness!
Thanks for reading my post.........xxx


@rainbowcat, for what it's worth, i hear you on the anger. For me it was a lot of anger and resentment about the job of carer being forced on me. I'm an only child, parents divorced when I was young, father died 20 years ago, mother is also an only, she wasn't a great mother and we were never close and I didn't have much contact for many years, she wasn't abusive but basically had no business being a mother, sorry to go on, but I think I at least have an idea of where you're coming from.

Again, for what it's worth, until I found other people here on TP in similar situations, I felt very alone and like a freak or terrible person. There are other carers out there in similar circumstances.

It took me a long struggle and a lot of time with a therapist, but I finally decided that I was going to have to come to grips, somehow, with this situation or it was going to eat me alive. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not as bad.

So the short answer about what I did, was to decide to think about the situation this way: what do I need to do, to be able to look myself in the mirror and live with myself and my actions? What will allow me to sleep at night? What needs to happen to care for her, but in a way that won't kill me? Basically I reframed the way I thought about her needs and care, from that viewpoint.

This is not the best explanation, but it's a start. There were a lot of other things I did that helped, and it wasn't quick or easy. Nothing about dementia is easy! But you cannot blame yourself for, or allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt about, issues that are caused by the disease, rather than by you. That way madness lies.

I wish I didn't have to do this. (In fact, if I could, in good faith, refuse the PoA and turn this job over to someone else, I would, in a second. This is not an option for me.) I wish she didn't have dementia, a disease I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wish we could have had a good relationship, or at least, a better one. I wish a lot of things, but it is what it is.

The only practical suggestion I can make (as someone who used to be on the receiving end of the zillion phone calls every day), is, don't answer the phone every time. Let it go to voicemail and maybe don't even listen to them. Get a dedicated phone just for him to call, if it ties up your phone too much. Screen the calls and if you have to turn your phone off at night to sleep, so be it. At one point, the phone calls were so frequent and upsetting, that I would burst into tears every time the phone rang. (I wish I were making that up but it's true.) Don't be like I was!

Besides TP, I found a local support group. It took some time but it's been a good support. It can be very validating and reassuring to be in a room of people who all understand what you're going through, and don't think you're exaggerating or are nuts. For a long time, I felt like an alien, like I didn't belong with "normal" people (non-carers) because they had no idea what I was experiencing and I had no way to describe it. Most of them didn't want to know.

Now I'm waffling and will stop. I just wanted you to feel, maybe a tiny bit less alone and that there may be people who understand some of what you're saying. Best wishes.

I'm going to go against the general grain (so far) here...but I feel angry that my father has dementia and I have to deal with it after all the years of having to deal with his narcissistic, functioning alcoholic, demeaning attitude/beliefs/behaviour/comments. He's my dad and I love him on some level, plus he's a human being/close family who I don't want to see neglected. I battle daily with what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do. I fight and challenge health professionals for his care and medical needs.

But I still feel so angry that I've been put in this position. I feel angry that the dementia is magnifying his foibles which I always hated and now trigger me. I feel angry that I thought it was a good idea to get LPOA, because that is now a millstone around my neck with him phoning me multiple times a day demanding money to load onto 'adult' chat sites (which aren't legit ones!), and nothing I (or siblings) say will persuade him that he CANNOT just spend the rent or carer money on it, nor can I (we) placate him. I should have just got him to pay for a funeral plan and then just left him to it. Perhaps the professionals would have taken his illness seriously a little sooner if he'd stopped paying his rent and care visit fees...!

I also feel angry and sad when I see on Facebook the people my father worked with, or my friends' parents, going about all 'normal' and spritely, on holidays, treating their grandchildren, making plans, etc. Some of them are still working and highly respected in their field(s). My father? He shares inappropriate (and sometimes graphic) links on Facebook, and doesn't realise, remember, or care that he's done that.

I did carry on with the rant but decided to delete as I could be here all day. Suffice to say I am sad and angry that my father has dementia, but not as sad and angry I would be had he been a beautiful loving kind caring person prior to the illness. So I feel sad and angry for you all.:(

Sorry for the rant, but I've tried telling the couple of friends I have left, and all I get is "but he's your dad, you're always gonna love your dad"...which does not help or reassure at all.
 

Tomcat

Registered User
Mar 20, 2016
26
0
Yes I feel angry and cheated. Why my mum. We are all people and mainly going through the same situation but how we will react are different. Personally since my Mums had dementia I have been through the extremes of every emotion. I have hit extreme high to extreme lows but what doesn’t help is also dealing with the level of care our loved ones are receiving by care homes. It’s often sub standard and staff don’t see the human being behind the disease. There’s no dignity shown and I understand staff are often stretched but I say don’t do the job if you can’t see these people as people. There’s my rant! So yes it’s ok to be angry. I do understand there are good homes but there are very few. So yes it’s ok to be angry.
 

Tomcat

Registered User
Mar 20, 2016
26
0
HI to you rainbowcat.
If i say that i 100% know how you feel about this situation as i do the same, i often fight with what i should do and what i want to do.
My mum and i are not the 'close' daughter that should always be in her life.
I was brought up very well and loved, but i lost my dad over 20 yrs ago sadly to which i have never got over, as we were very close despite my mum's feelings. I left home when i was 16, and like you could go on for ever about this but i have now put all that behind me and am able to now move on with my life.
My mum is now 86yrs old and has been in a home nearly 3 years now.
When my mum was able to do things before it got any worse, she took out 2 plans 1 that made my brother attorney over her money and the other over her care.
I'd been to see mum a few weeks before she got really bad, and to my horror i tried to call my mum and the number was no more, worried i called my brother to ask what was going on, who then told me that she had gone into a home, and had been there over 5 months before i was ever told anything......I was so so upset and angry that i hadn't been told anything about it and so went to see her and i was there maybe 15/20 minutes i was mortified that my mum didn't even know who i was and i just had to leave as i couldn't take the pain nor the anger of seeing her like that just awful and i was powerless to help her at all!
I suffer myself with Lupus and many other medical things and before my mum got really ill we saw each other when we could as i have many times when i'm in bed or hospital.
I know this may seem awful, but iv now decided not to go and see her anymore, because i just cannot bear to see her the way she is, i then get stressed out and my lupus plays up once again (its stress triggered). Mum has just moved homes as the one she was in had to be shut down....so why put mum there at all? she was pushed by another member of the home so hard she broke her hip and pelvis...and was sent to the hospital on her own...????disgusting i think, but because i have no say what can i do? i used to be a nurse and loved my job and all my patients that should never have happened, but my brother is so laid back he really is, because i know more about the system than he dose, but still i'm not allowed to have any say. mum has just gone into another home @£ 1,000 per week and my brother has paid out so far £101, 276!
At this rate he will only have enough money to pay for mum's care for a couple of years at that price, mum had to sell her house to pay for it.
So i guess the answer is yes you can be as angry as you want to be about the way this awful illness takes hold of the mum, dad etc whoever has it it's just so degrading, my mum would die if she knew what she was like now bless her, and yes i do love her but i just want to keep in the background now its to much stress for me, my brothers no help either i would never have done that to him ever, i really don't know how him and his wife sleep at night.....beyond me.....))
Huge rant over thank goodness!
Thanks for reading my post.........xxx

It’s ok I am in a similar position. My mums in a home receiving sub standard care which we are paying over the odds for, but the rest of the family are blinkered so now I have decided after 2 years of visiting daily that I will no longer visit my mum. The stress of seeing not only the dementia strip her of her dignity but the then to have the added stress of staff that have to be flagged that my mum is sitting in her own urine, or is being fed unedible food constantly has become unbearable. I have spuba bifita and the situation was also affecting my health so last Friday I had to make the hardest decision of my life and say goodbye to my mum. It’s not been an easy time and I definitely won’t be going back as I can’t say goodbye for a second time. I am just taking day by day and hope my family will see sense and move my mum.
 

Janeyjenkins

Registered User
Jan 13, 2017
2
0
Hi All

Most of you talk about parents. My partner is 69 and has had it for four years. His mother had it and is sister of 78 is in a home and just sits now not speaking and double incontinent so my partner thinks now that is what will happen to him.

He can still be left if I leave a note where I am but he frequently gets up in the middle of the night to shower, constantly searches for his wallet although I try to get him to leave it n the same place. This can happen in the day or night when the house gets turned upside down. He cannot manage his finances or medication and has to have his clothes laid out each day. Obviously there is much more but by far is the lack of conversation. We used to chat all the time and laugh a lot. I miss him. I was married for 33 years but we have only been together for 17 years and I am sad it will not be longer. He was my soul mate and we had so much in common I do miss him how he was but I still love him to bits
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,995
0
72
Dundee
Hi All

Most of you talk about parents. My partner is 69 and has had it for four years. His mother had it and is sister of 78 is in a home and just sits now not speaking and double incontinent so my partner thinks now that is what will happen to him.

He can still be left if I leave a note where I am but he frequently gets up in the middle of the night to shower, constantly searches for his wallet although I try to get him to leave it n the same place. This can happen in the day or night when the house gets turned upside down. He cannot manage his finances or medication and has to have his clothes laid out each day. Obviously there is much more but by far is the lack of conversation. We used to chat all the time and laugh a lot. I miss him. I was married for 33 years but we have only been together for 17 years and I am sad it will not be longer. He was my soul mate and we had so much in common I do miss him how he was but I still love him to bits

I just wanted to say I understand how you feel. My husband died in July 2016. We were married almost 38 years. I'm glad you're there for your husband and wish you both well.