Dealing with Mums constant wish to go home

lizanneem

New member
Nov 4, 2017
4
0
My Mum has alzheimers and has been in a residential home for 6 months. My sister and I both visit and take her out as she does enjoy that and is very mobile. However, the outing is always spoilt on the way home with her demands to be allowed to leave the home and go back to her own home. Obviously this cant happen as she now needs to be secure for her own safety. Whatever we say is wrong and she gets aggressive and very cross. We obviously try and change the subject but she is having none of it and is in complete denial that there is anything wrong with her. It is very hard as we want to do nice things with her but dread the end of the trip. Should we visit less and not take her out? The home do have various activities and the residents get taken out occasionally and apparently there are no problems with her whilst she is with the carers. Help!
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
my hubby was in care for 2 years before he passed away,when he went in first we had the same problems ,every time we left him he wanted to come home.the carers would distract him while we went,but it was so hard,and my daughter and I would sit in the car and cry.Once when I went to see him he wouldnt talk to me ,he said I had put him there as I didnt want him any more,But we still took him to my sons who lived nearby,for as long as we could,and as soon as we arrived on the Saturday with my son it was are we going are we going,and we did this for as long as possible.We had to tell him different things to get him to go back and it was very hard .but dont give up ,just change the subject as many times as you need,,
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @lizanneem
I wonder whether a mixture of what you suggest might be a good compromise
I agree that as your mum is mobile and enjoys outings, you wouldn't want to stop those entirely - but your own feelings count too - so maybe don't go out every visit - that way your mum knows you are happy to be in her home too
so maybe time a visit to join in with the activity in the home, go on a home trip out with her (if there's space - often at dad's home they are only too glad of extra help with the residents) - and sometimes just be in the home together, looking at photos, watching a favourite show on TV, giving her a manicure ....
as to her reaction to going back after a visit - is there any way not to say your going to the home eg to get her back into the car say 'right, time for the next treat ...' - check with the staff that your mum settles as soon as she's back on her own, as then you can at least know that her reaction isn't long lived and doesn't stay with her, so you can shrug it off a little more easily too
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im wondering how long you are staying out? I had to be sure that i was back well before she started sundowning and I found that, as time went on, mum could cope with less and less time out before she got tired and started on the "want to go home" loop. Eventually she could only cope with going to a nearby cafe and having tea and cake and soon after she couldnt cope with going out at all. Incidentally, I discovered one day, that when she started to say she wanted to go home, she actually meant her childhood home where she expected to find her parents and siblings (all long dead!)
 

Mary Em

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
31
0
I am the sister of lizanneem.
Thank you so much for all those replies. We will definitely try out your ideas.
It's so hard isn't it.
Mary Em
 

lizanneem

New member
Nov 4, 2017
4
0
my hubby was in care for 2 years before he passed away,when he went in first we had the same problems ,every time we left him he wanted to come home.the carers would distract him while we went,but it was so hard,and my daughter and I would sit in the car and cry.Once when I went to see him he wouldnt talk to me ,he said I had put him there as I didnt want him any more,But we still took him to my sons who lived nearby,for as long as we could,and as soon as we arrived on the Saturday with my son it was are we going are we going,and we did this for as long as possible.We had to tell him different things to get him to go back and it was very hard .but dont give up ,just change the subject as many times as you need,,
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
My mother also enjoys outings but we have learned we have to set them up for success, if that makes sense. Her best time of the day is late morning to early afternoon. She likes to go out for lunch or ice cream or another treat. Depending on how she is that day, sometimes shorter trips are better. If we go to a restaurant, we need as quiet a place as possible. We try to get a table facing a wall or corner, to cut down on overstimulation. We also just order something for her; she stopped being able to cope with menus a long time ago.

You could always wait and see how she is on any given day and decide on the spot. Some days are better than others! And if an outing isn't working, just cut it short and leave. Flexibility and managing your expectations help (or do for me).

I hope you can find a way to make this better for everyone! Best wishes.
 

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