new to this. everyone says mum cant help how she is but I dont know if I can cope.

[linda js]

Hi. My mum (81)had a fall and broke her foot in January and became very confused in hospital.She had a brain scan which showed shrinkage of the brain. She is now confused all the time and in a constant state of panic(though she was always a worrier)
I cant get her to go back to hospital for her foot or for mental assessment meaning her foot is healing but not properly.I have spoken to her doctor who sent a community mental health doctor to see her 3weeks ago and I have had to ring them today to find out what is happening only to be told "see her doctor he will prescribe tranquilizers.
She has carers morning and lunchtime but wont let them do anything as she says she can do it all then phones me in a panic because she needs something.
I go every evening after work but she rings me at home or work all the time.Everyone tells me she cant help it but I feel so resentfull at times and dont know if I can cope with this.I seem to have to constantly fight for someone to understand her problems but just get nowhere.Sorry its a long post but probably just need to talk. Any help or just comments would be appreciated.or is it just me being unsympathetic.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Linda.

Perhaps it would help if you went to the doctor about yourself rather than your mother. If your GP sees how much this worry is affecting your health, s/he might be able to refer your mother for more than she gets at present.

And when she phones you in a panic, why don`t you try telling her she must let the carers do whatever she needs for that`s what they are there for.

It really is getting you down and it might be time for you to stop being so readily available. Then perhaps your mother may accept the help from the carers.

Love xx

 

[connie]

Hi Linda, does sound as if mum needs a proper assessment.

As Sylvia says it's back to the GP for both yourself and mum.

Do you both have the same doctor? You will have to impress on her doctor that she is not letting the carers in to do their job properly.

Sometimes you have to shout to be heard, but you should not have to do this all by yourself. Admittedly mum cannot help how she behaves - therefore she needs help too.

 

[theoldbat]

Oh Linda.......... you're doing the best you can hon.... time for you to go see the doctor... not only for yourself, but for your Mum too...... and if the doctor won't listen, find another doctor... one who is sympathetic to Alzheimers and the associated problems. I talked to my parents doctor many months ago... she is great... she has been a fantastic ally, i've been lucky - I know not everyone is the same. My Mum has VAD, short term memory is totally gone... she thinks my Dad is her long dead brother in law, with whom she grew up.. so life is difficult! There is help out there.... it's just you have to find it. Not one of the official departments offers assistance without you ask for it! Hon, you're doing your best....... remember, it's not personal - easy to say, but real hard to deal with. She might be abusive, absolutely foul... but it's not personal. She doesn't know she's doing it - it's the illness. So far today, with my Mum, i've been yelled at, told to go away she doesn't need me... doesn't want my help, won't eat the meals i've cooked for them.... that Father is driving her mad... doesn't want interference, she's called me by both her sister's names, [one's been dead for nearly 30 years! and the other might just as well have been! - she lives in Zimbabwe, has done for over 50 years] she's been absolutely horrible to my Dad... and he suffers from a chronic heart condition... but absolutely none of this is personal. It's gonna get worse, but you don't need to know that at this stage........ deal with whatever happens one day at a time.... and try not to absorb her anger.... I try to keep it all calm, and attempt to make her laugh... I try to imagine how Mum must feel... she probably knows that she forgets things and is worried and frightened ALL the time... Hell, i'm terrified about what's to come... but one day at a time, i'll cope - and so will you. You need an ally, a friend..... a good friend who'll be there for you. I'll keep an eye out for you hon......... Be kind to yourself. Hugs. xx

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Linda,

I had the same problem with my Mum last year, it is exhausting, isn't it? The others have given you good advice, follow it and do get help. YOu can't be there 24/7 for your Mum, you'll make yourself ill and be no help to anyone. And come along to TP anytime, we've all been there....

 

[rose_of_york]

Hello Linda

Sorry to hear that you're in this situation. The people on here are so right - you have to look after yourself and you have to be very firm with the medical people about your mother's condition. You can't be available for her all the time - if you do you will become ill and then be no use to anybody.

I am only saying to you what other people on here have said to me, and they are very wise. It's not always easy, but the only way to be able to cope.
love Barbara

 

[Helen33]

Hello Linda

go every evening after work but she rings me at home or work all the time

It is true that your mum can't help doing this but it doesn't mean that it has to stay like this. You are doing wonderfully even being able to go to see your mum every evening after work and that ought to be enough. I wonder if there are ways you can stop the calls at work so that you can concentrate on what you are supposed to be doing. Also at home I wonder whether you could use an answer machine. These are just a couple of suggestions.

Good Luck and best wishes

 

[HelenMG]

carers are helping me

Hi Linda,
Dad went through a phase of phoning me or my sister all the time (he doesn't anymore). We got carers in to help as he got increasingly less able to look after himself when we were at work and said they were helping us to look after him. He didn't want to go to a care home and knew that the carers were important for him to stay at home. Although at one level he was adament he didn't need help, at another he knew he did, and let them into his world eventually. I wish I could be with him more but I can't, and he now accepts his carers, although he would prefer us. He knows too that work is important and it is good to hear him say that; that work is very important.

It is easy to get resentful, but try to get your Mum to appreciate you are doing your best; and you need to work. We say that all the time, "We are doing our best, and J (our carer) helps us".

The resentment will pass and love will help you to deal with the difficult times.
Big Hug.
Helen

 

[PAULINE OWEN]

hi

Hi,
Just a little note to let you know that I am here if you need to talk I have only been on TP for a few weeks but the advice and support they have given me is tremendous. Just to have people to talk to in the same situation as we are in is so helpful.
Advice is good I know how you feel my Mum thinks she can do everything herself but she cant I have home helps coming in for the first time in the morning I hope it goes well but I will let you know. You are never alone on TP I find there is always someone to talk to speak later if you want.

Love
Paulinexxx

 

[Short girl]

Hi

I really sympathise here - you are in the same boat as many. I would suggest you need to take a step back, so long as mum is safe - it may sound difficult to do, but you have to consider your own well being. Suggest you ask Mum's carers to see if they can be a little more persuasive with her.
My Nan still won't let carers bath or wash her, or very rarely - generally I've had to go in, start it and then let the carer take over. I'm in a position that I cannot visit daily - I work full time and have a 10 year old son - if I did, I'd head towards a breakdown.
Again I say the word safe and that her very basic needs are seen to.
I know of one person who has had to block her mother's phone number off her phone due to the constant calls. She just phones her mother to see that she is ok. She's stepped back and I know it's helped her.
On and the medical profession - yeah, about as much help as a chocolate tea pot!! It's me that sorted the Aricept and me that going to decide that it's pointless being prescribed to my Nan because she's not compliant - all I got told was that 'it's expensive'

 

[linda js]

thanks to all

Hi,
After my first post I was overwhelmed at all the replies and advice you have all given me.It makes me feel that I am not alone in my situation Thank you all.I will keep on at the doctors and carers(who seem to think its ok to arrive any time between 8am and 1pm to help with breakfast.sometimes not at all!!!
On the funnier side in response to the advice to use answering machine for all the phone calls mum managed to fill it in one day with complaints that she did not understand who was talking to her and why did I not answer her questions.I had to smile to myself but have decided its easier to answer when I can. Thanks all again I will keep in touch. Linda

 

[Helen33]

Hi Linda

I had to smile to myself but have decided its easier to answer when I can.

It made me smile too If nothing else, you discovered the way things were weren't as bad as you thought

Love and best wishes

 

[May]

Oh Linda, do sympathise with you (it's the old mantra of, 'been there, done that, worn the t-shirt').

community mental health doctor to see her 3weeks ago and I have had to ring them today to find out what is happening only to be told "see her doctor he will prescribe tranquilizers.

The above is really not good enough as a response, you may have to stamp your feet a little here.
Could you write a letter to your Mum's doctor detailing the difficulties you are having? And ask for a proper full assessment and diagnosis for your Mum.

As to the problems you are having with carers, make a loud complaint, preferably in writing to the company concerned and if you have a social worker (?) send them a copy too.

I know this all takes time and energy, which is probably in short supply.

As Connie said you shouldn't have to do this on your own so do go back to the GP.

Good luck and take care

 

[Margaret W]

Helen's idea is great - they are our carers, assisting us! Fantastic.

Margaret.