How do you convince your mum she is not safe

[Ethelburga]

I’m sure I’m not the first one to have this problem. My mum has Alzheimer’s. She has been told but cannot remember and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. She is extremely muddled barely knows who we are. She hasn’t been taking any of her meds. She has got in a total mess over her money which we have now taken control of. Unfortunately none of us live close by and it seems almost daily there is a small crisis that one of us has to go over to sort it out . She has no insight into her illness and cannot see there is a problem. When she was well she was adamant she never wanted to live with any of her children and none of our homes are suitable for her either. She often said she would go into the Care home which is very near to my sister and it is where my Aunt lived. When we broached the subject to my mum she, uncharacteristically , became very angry and said no way was she going into a home ever. She said she would be bored and have nothing to do. The thing is she doesn’t do anything at home now that she can’t do in the home.
What are other people’s experiences? The Care home does have vacancies and seems very caring and lovely and specialises in dementia. How can we allay my Mum’s fears. We don’t want to force the issue but we are very concerned about her safety. Any suggestions ideas welcome.

 

[karaokePete]

I’m sure I’m not the first one to have this problem. My mum has Alzheimer’s. She has been told but cannot remember and doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her. She is extremely muddled barely knows who we are. She hasn’t been taking any of her meds. She has got in a total mess over her money which we have now taken control of. Unfortunately none of us live close by and it seems almost daily there is a small crisis that one of us has to go over to sort it out . She has no insight into her illness and cannot see there is a problem. When she was well she was adamant she never wanted to live with any of her children and none of our homes are suitable for her either. She often said she would go into the Care home which is very near to my sister and it is where my Aunt lived. When we broached the subject to my mum she, uncharacteristically , became very angry and said no way was she going into a home ever. She said she would be bored and have nothing to do. The thing is she doesn’t do anything at home now that she can’t do in the home.
What are other people’s experiences? The Care home does have vacancies and seems very caring and lovely and specialises in dementia. How can we allay my Mum’s fears. We don’t want to force the issue but we are very concerned about her safety. Any suggestions ideas welcome.

Are Social Services involved in your mum's care? If they are, could they be contacted for a reassessment of needs as she seems to be at a vulnerable stage? If not, maybe you would consider contacting them so that you mum is on their radar.
It sounds like your mum is now reacting in the only way she can to seeing her independence going. Your mum is still there beneath the symptoms and it may work if you talk to her on the basis that the family need help to keep her as independent as possible. In that way she may be willing to help you and by default help herself.

 

[marionq]

Suggest to her she goes for a weeks holiday (respite) and see how she gets on. She might enjoy the company and being looked after.

 

[Beate]

You'll have to get away from the concept that you can reason and argue with someone with dementia. If they don't understand, you won't be able to convince them. It's probably much better to stop discussing and just getting things in motion. Once it's organised, tell her some love lies about it being for reconvalescence on doctor's orders or something.

 

[Ethelburga]

You'll have to get away from the concept that you can reason and argue with someone with dementia. If they don't understand, you won't be able to convince them. It's probably much better to stop discussing and just getting things in motion. Once it's organised, tell her some life lies about it being for reconvalescence on doctor's orders or something.

Thank you of course you are right we need to remember she can’t reason with us, we keep forgetting. I think you are right some life lies are going to be needed. I think her boiler might go on the blink!

 

[Beate]

Sorry, I meant love lies! Boiler on the blink is a good one, I'm impressed.

 

[jen54]

Thi

Thank you of course you are right we need to remember she can’t reason with us, we keep forgetting. I think you are right some life lies are going to be needed. I think her boiler might go on the blink!

The problem is that pwd just dont know they aren't coping, and dont recall any conversations..groundhog day
My mum ..just the once..said when she wasn't coping in her house she would have to go into a home..
She put her mum in a care home, but now we have had to do the same,she isn't happy,as she is,in her mind, fine,she isnt old,she was doing everything herself at her house, her mobility is fine..etc etc
All we can do is detract, and tell her Dr says she has to recover,..round and round..
It is no point in explaining,as even if there is a moment of realisation,it us shortlived and you are back to square one
In reality mum was sleeping late into the afternoon if left..
Wasn't eating or drinking, wasn't washing..in fact she got up and sat in her chair either forgetting to turn on tv,or flicking through channels as she cant follow anything now. Isolated and unable to walk much at all, watching her attempt her stairs was awful..but she was so determined,it was a crisis that made us decide I was best time for care home ,she couldn't go home after hospital in all reality and we have no room with us, and tbh, she would have been as unhappy here with carers coming in..as she would never let us do personal care