I am not staying at this day centre it’s full of old people

[KJ49]

Hi everyone.
Took my Dad to a day centre he is 82 but he refused to stay as it was full of old people !!
He lives alone has vascular dementia and I am his sole career visiting 4-5 times a day between working and having a family of my own. The day centre is lovely but he says he is not going back.
My question is what else is out there for someone who is in denial about their illness and still thinks they are not old !!
He gets very bored and lonely and that’s when the imaginary friends appear !!!
Would be greatful for any advice x

 

[Fullticket]

I can only advise that you stick it out and just deliver him there and leave him. That sounds harsh and will not be easy to achieve but I had just the same with my mum. It passes. At first they were all batty, now she is as batty as they are (!) so goes with enthusiasm and knits and chats. The thing about day care is that there is something going on and they can join in (or not) but there is something to look at that is not the tele and someone to talk to who is not you. Try looking for Memory Cafe or Singing for the Brain in your area (Alzheimer's Society) or see if there are any clubs - our area has a Memory Group where PWD go for a morning and a lunch, plus an over 70s group that also caters for the PWD.

 

[KJ49]

I can only advise that you stick it out and just deliver him there and leave him. That sounds harsh and will not be easy to achieve but I had just the same with my mum. It passes. At first they were all batty, now she is as batty as they are (!) so goes with enthusiasm and knits and chats. The thing about day care is that there is something going on and they can join in (or not) but there is something to look at that is not the tele and someone to talk to who is not you. Try looking for Memory Cafe or Singing for the Brain in your area (Alzheimer's Society) or see if there are any clubs - our area has a Memory Group where PWD go for a morning and a lunch, plus an over 70s group that also caters for the PWD.

Thank you for your reply
He was quite adamant but you are right it’s in his best interest. He has got it in his head that it’s not for him , I wish I wasn’t so soft !?

 

[karaokePete]

Hi @KJ49, would it help if you told your Dad that his going to the Day Centre would be a help to you, rather than saying it's for him? Maybe if the staff were warned about how he feels they could give him a little extra attention until he settles.

 

[DollyBird16]

Hi
We have the same with my Mum as I am sure many do. Mum claims she is dumped at the ‘club’ no longer day centre and moans about it when she goes and leaves. Yet the staff - who are amazing- tell us she joins in and laughs and chats.
I always ask Mum what she has been up to, the conversation will start slow but gradually move to positive. Asking what songs they sang, she forgets, I guess and we have a song - poor neighbour I have a terrible voice, distraction all the way.
We did create a love lie that Mum was going to the club to help out with the old people, now she refers to it as work or the club. Could be your Dad be going to help with garden, diy, show the old people how to play cards, anything that makes him have a reason to go. Mum still doesn’t like to go but has a good time when there.
Your Dad could be going for the free lunch, whatever grabs him, even something like the council respect his opinion and would like his feedback on what it’s like.

Do they collect your Dad to take him?

Don’t give in, it’s such a relief when you know they are being cared for all day. We are so lucky Mums club staff are fabulous.
X

 

[KJ49]

Hi @KJ49, would it help if you told your Dad that his going to the Day Centre would be a help to you, rather than saying it's for him? Maybe if the staff were warned about how he feels they could give him a little extra attention until he settles.

Hi
Thanks for your reply
I did try that today but his mind was already made up. The staff were so lovely and kind . He said he couldn’t stay as had things at home to do and he felt sorry for all the poor people in the day centre (actually most were more with it than he is)

 

[Redlib]

We have the same problem with my mum. She is currently in respite care and is aghast at being with the “old dears”. She views herself as perfectly fit and able and completely apart from the other residents despite being 77 and having worsening dementia. We have yet to find a solution which means Mum misses out on lots of social opportunities and stimulation.

 

[Malalie]

Do you have a 'Men in Sheds" anywhere near you? Maybe something a little more masculine and practical might tempt him to leave the house. Here's a link https://menssheds.org.uk/

 

[KJ49]

Do you have a 'Men in Sheds" anywhere near you? Maybe something a little more masculine and practical might tempt him to leave the house. Here's a link https://menssheds.org.uk/

Thank you
Have never heard of that will have a look. Sounds like a good idea. He likes to keep busy and said he wants to try and get his Old job back in the city working for NatWest Bank (He retired 22 years ago ) Perhaps I should just drop him there with a note lol.
It’s sad as I can’t seem to find anything in between Day Centre and being stuck at home. I take him out every day but he must get bored of my company!!
Thanks again

 

[KJ49]

Hi
We have the same with my Mum as I am sure many do. Mum claims she is dumped at the ‘club’ no longer day centre and moans about it when she goes and leaves. Yet the staff - who are amazing- tell us she joins in and laughs and chats.
I always ask Mum what she has been up to, the conversation will start slow but gradually move to positive. Asking what songs they sang, she forgets, I guess and we have a song - poor neighbour I have a terrible voice, distraction all the way.
We did create a love lie that Mum was going to the club to help out with the old people, now she refers to it as work or the club. Could be your Dad be going to help with garden, diy, show the old people how to play cards, anything that makes him have a reason to go. Mum still doesn’t like to go but has a good time when there.
Your Dad could be going for the free lunch, whatever grabs him, even something like the council respect his opinion and would like his feedback on what it’s like.

Do they collect your Dad to take him?

Don’t give in, it’s such a relief when you know they are being cared for all day. We are so lucky Mums club staff are fabulous.
X

Thank you
I need to toughen up and persevere.its hard when he gets so agitated x

 

[Marcelle123]

My mother even said she didn't want to go to her afternoon club's Christmas party, but my husband drove her there anyway, and once she got there she had a good time. I appreciate it would be hard to overrule your Dad time after time, though. I hope you find a 'winning formula' as I think once socialisation stops, the dementia can get so much worse - that's certainly what I found with my Mum.
Good luck with it all. xx

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you
Have never heard of that will have a look. Sounds like a good idea. He likes to keep busy and said he wants to try and get his Old job back in the city working for NatWest Bank (He retired 22 years ago ) Perhaps I should just drop him there with a note lol.
It’s sad as I can’t seem to find anything in between Day Centre and being stuck at home. I take him out every day but he must get bored of my company!!
Thanks again

Hi you sound like you are doing a lot. I take my dad out every day and it all becomes a bit wearing. Shopping, lunch, garden centre, day at the coast and you are working just like me. Never mind him getting bored with your company. What about you?

Is there nobody who could give you a day off or it can all gets a bit much. I think you need to persevere with the day centre.

 

[SnowWhite]

My Mum is nearly 94 and still refers to people in her care home as “the old dears.”

 

[DollyBird16]

Thank you
I need to toughen up and persevere.its hard when he gets so agitated x

Oh yes, I agree,I feel so rotten when Mum gets agitated. I feel like I’ve changed as a person as I learn and cope with dementia.
Stick with it and like me you probably often have something in your eye and a well bitten lip as I despair with it all.
Take care. X

 

[Amy in the US]

Oh, yes, my mother will look around at her care home, at the people who are younger and fitter than she is, and refer to them all as "the old people" or sometimes, something unprintable. She perceives everyone as not only much older than herself, but also much more infirm. She, of course, has nothing wrong with her! Not even when she was in a wheelchair with her broken knee! Ah, the joys of anosognosia. It can drive me nuts if I let it.

I have read here on TP about some strategies people use to get their OH or parent or PWD to the day care center. These include:
-arranging for transport, if the person likes to go in the van or bus
-taking them themselves, if the person won't go in the van or bus
-calling it a lunch club or restaurant or similar (with the collusion of staff)
-calling it physical therapy (ditto)
-calling it a social club or knitting group or crafting club or anything that relates to an interest
-letting the PWD think they volunteer there (again, with collusion of staff)
-saying you are going there to volunteer or drop something off, and you're just taking them along to have a cup of tea/lunch/whatever
-saying that their friend Fred or Mary has invited them and is looking forward to seeing them
-not saying anything and just taking them

You get the idea. I just thought I would mention all this on the off chance that something might work. I heard in one of my support groups that a love lie or story you concoct, with an emotional tug that will appeal to the person, is sometimes successful, so that is worth thinking on.

I hope you can find something that works.

 

[KJ49]

Th

My mother even said she didn't want to go to her afternoon club's Christmas party, but my husband drove her there anyway, and once she got there she had a good time. I appreciate it would be hard to overrule your Dad time after time, though. I hope you find a 'winning formula' as I think once socialisation stops, the dementia can get so much worse - that's certainly what I found with my Mum.
Good luck with it all. xx

Thank you
I will keep trying I guess
X x

 

[Baker17]

Hi everyone.
Took my Dad to a day centre he is 82 but he refused to stay as it was full of old people !!
He lives alone has vascular dementia and I am his sole career visiting 4-5 times a day between working and having a family of my own. The day centre is lovely but he says he is not going back.
My question is what else is out there for someone who is in denial about their illness and still thinks they are not old !!
He gets very bored and lonely and that’s when the imaginary friends appear !!!
Would be greatful for any advice x

I said to my husband he was going to help out and look after the ‘old people’ and he did actually help as they let him push wheelchairs and little things like that x

 

[jen54]

Hi everyone.
Took my Dad to a day centre he is 82 but he refused to stay as it was full of old people !!
He lives alone has vascular dementia and I am his sole career visiting 4-5 times a day between working and having a family of my own. The day centre is lovely but he says he is not going back.
My question is what else is out there for someone who is in denial about their illness and still thinks they are not old !!
He gets very bored and lonely and that’s when the imaginary friends appear !!!
Would be greatful for any advice x

This I the major issue with my mum..she doesn't understand that she is old..she is eighty, but acts with the other old people at the home as if they are way older than her,she whispers to me about this or that old dear..etc,one old gentleman she says was young when he first came in..now he is old and scruffy and its a shame..
She doesn't understand she has dementia,so says the old people are unbearable..or she listens to them then aside tells me"you have to let them talk"..
This is unavoidable,and what us unsettling mum a lit,the fact she shouldn't be I here with these old, demented people...
She comments they are driving her mad etc

 

[KJ49]

This I the major issue with my mum..she doesn't understand that she is old..she is eighty, but acts with the other old people at the home as if they are way older than her,she whispers to me about this or that old dear..etc,one old gentleman she says was young when he first came in..now he is old and scruffy and its a shame..
She doesn't understand she has dementia,so says the old people are unbearable..or she listens to them then aside tells me"you have to let them talk"..
This is unavoidable,and what us unsettling mum a lit,the fact she shouldn't be I here with these old, demented people...
She comments they are driving her mad etc

My Dad was here earlier and he was watching the advert on TV for Alzheimer’s and he said it must be awful to get that disease !!
I had to have a little chuckle to myself

 

[jen54]

My Dad was here earlier and he was watching the advert on TV for Alzheimer’s and he said it must be awful to get that disease !!
I had to have a little chuckle to myself

You have to laugh or you would cry..mum would watch all these things on tv and comment,
Saying she was glad she wasn't like that..or, just shoot me if I go dolally etc
The saddness of dementia is..you haven't a clue you have it, my mum is aware she has a bad memory and jokes about it..ie"I have the memory of a gold fish" etc
She sat with us in the care home yesterday..unfortunately,they had a sign right there saying
Name of carehome..care hone for the elderly
My mum kept reading it..we couldnt get her to move..nice settee .
She kept saying, not for me, glad I am not there..i am not ready for that yet,thankfully. Etc etc
Seeing she had had a meltdown just before we were on tenterhooks