Mum in care home wants to go home

[Portia100874]

hi
My mum is in a dementia home but still has slight capacity and realises she is there and keeps asking when she can go home, we haven't the heart to tell her she is there for good and I hate deceiving her - anyone else in the same position ?

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello and welcome to TP, Portia.

The requests to "go home" are very common in persons with dementia. Even people who are at home, will ask to go home. I'd be willing to bet many, if not most, of us here on TP have heard this.

What works best for my mother is an approach to minimize anxiety and distress. Often that is trying to address her emotions and the feelings, behind what she is saying, and offering reassurance: you have a place to sleep, you can stay here tonight, I will take care of it, you won't be alone. Sometimes it's redirecting: what do you want to do at home, who will be at home, and so on. Sometimes it's part of sundowning. Sometimes I offer a reason why she can't go home right this second: the roads are bad, there is snow and ice (a deterrent for her), and so on. Shifting blame is also a strategy I use: the doctor wants you to stay here for a while, to build up your strength.

I know some are uncomfortable with lying but realistically for me, I always take whatever approach will cause the least harm and distress for my mother. If I contradicted her and told her the absolute truth, or tried to argue or even discuss things with her, it would upset her and maybe even trigger a catastrophic reaction. I see no point in that, and in fact, in her situation, it would be unkind or even cruel.

I'm not saying this is what you should do, we all have to find our own way. I do think it can be helpful, as carers, to think about what we are trying to achieve.

If you've not seen the compassionate communication documents, they can be helpful and we can post links. There is also information on the Alzheimer's Society's website that may be helpful for you. Best wishes.

 

[nellbelles]

My husband always wanted to go home I edged round a direct answer with any reasonable excuse, he would ask how long he had been there? I would answer ‘a week’ eventually he said it seems more than a week! My reply oh yes.. it’s almost two he was there for 9 months..

 

[father ted]

Hi Portia,
My Mum has just gone into a home. She has been there very nearly a month and she, like your Mum, is aware of where she is. She doesn't ask to come home but she does ask how long she will be there for.
Take the advice on this site. Gently change the subject or say, you are looking so well since you've been here. It works for my Mum. May sound flippant and I hate lying to my Mum who I have always been very close to and shared so much with but no purpose is served by being truthful when it can be so distressing.

 

[saskia]

Agree with all the above.. ..i get this question on at least 2 our of 4 visits. Mum has been in her C H for 7 months now.

On a good visit. Mum thinks she's in a hospital & it's easy to blame doctors & tell her my brother will be discharging her doon ( he's a nurse & she always looks yo him for medical stuff!)

On a bad visit.. mum can be very ' with it' and knows it's not a hospital, knows it's not her home, knows there is nothing wrong with her (!!) .nothing I can say helps ..so i ride it out with distraction about ANYTHING!!
Sometimes she is ok, sometimes not.

I take each visit as it comes now & relish the good day.

Sas xx

 

[Witzend]

This is SO common, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
What we call 'love lies' are often the way to go - whatever will keep the person happy - or at least not fretting too much - for the moment. Blaming it on the doctor - who wants her to stay until she's better/stronger/while they sort her meds out, are favourite 'explanations'. I don't see that it's usually helpful to tell the PWD they're never going to go home. Eventually, and sometimes sooner rather than later, people often forget about the home they recently left anyway, and, as newer memories disappear, may mean by 'home' somewhere they haven't lived for many decades.

My mother was constantly asking or demanding to go home during her first few months at the care home. She had absolutely no insight into her condition - was adamant that she was fine, despite failing to wash, being completely unable to prepare any food or even make herself a cup of tea etc. prior to the move. So any kind of logical explanation was useless.
I became quite inventive with the good old love lies. Eventually, since she'd always been an inveterate mover, and had often talked of moving to 'a little flat', I started telling her I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me, and as soon as I found a really nice one we'd go and have a look together.

Since by then her short term memory was practically zero, she never remembered that I'd said much the same before. I have to admit that I never felt in the least guilty about the fibs - they always kept her happy for the moment, which to me was the most important thing.

 

[smartieplum]

This is SO common, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
What we call 'love lies' are often the way to go - whatever will keep the person happy - or at least not fretting too much - for the moment. Blaming it on the doctor - who wants her to stay until she's better/stronger/while they sort her meds out, are favourite 'explanations'. I don't see that it's usually helpful to tell the PWD they're never going to go home. Eventually, and sometimes sooner rather than later, people often forget about the home they recently left anyway, and, as newer memories disappear, may mean by 'home' somewhere they haven't lived for many decades.

My mother was constantly asking or demanding to go home during her first few months at the care home. She had absolutely no insight into her condition - was adamant that she was fine, despite failing to wash, being completely unable to prepare any food or even make herself a cup of tea etc. prior to the move. So any kind of logical explanation was useless.
I became quite inventive with the good old love lies. Eventually, since she'd always been an inveterate mover, and had often talked of moving to 'a little flat', I started telling her I was looking for a nice little flat for her, just down the road from me, and as soon as I found a really nice one we'd go and have a look together.

Since by then her short term memory was practically zero, she never remembered that I'd said much the same before. I have to admit that I never felt in the least guilty about the fibs - they always kept her happy for the moment, which to me was the most important thing.

I admire your ability to cope with this. I can't deal with it at all.

 

[netsy22]

I can't believe how many posts are echoing my own situation at the moment - I am in this exact situation. Witzend - great advice, thanks.

 

[jen54]

I had my mum going mad at me at the home today, about how they were ruining her life,how she had been active,getting about doing everything..and wanted out of there,that there was nothing wrong with her.
Later she demanded i take socks off her feet..she hates socks and had had some put on..
I said they were just helping her whilst she recovered from the fall etc..to which she said by helping they were stopping her being able to do things independently..
Sadly she has not been able to bath,wash her hair,cook or do any thing really,even forgetting how to use washing machine etc..but she firmly believes she has been fine..she said she must have eaten something which made her fall..its such a cruel thing,there's no telling her..we are just going on the recuperation tale..saying Dr says she has to recover here..

 

[Elle3]

What a useful thread, as this is something I may have to deal with soon as I am currently looking for a home for my dad and I know he will not want to leave his own home but we have come to the stage that he is no longer safe on his own. I am really dreading how he is going to react to this and how I am going to deal with it, so thank you for the advice everyone.

Elle x