Devastated

[JulesLK]

I am devastated at the moment and just can't seem to stop crying. We were told Friday that my mum is very poorly and dying of cancer; but my dad doesn't know and I just can't tell him. How do I tell my dad that the women he was devoted to for almost 50 years is dying and see that blank look, knowing he doesn't remember her? Over the last six weeks since mum was taken into hospital and he went into emergency residential care, he hasn't mentioned or asked about her once.

I feel so angry that she kept her illness from me for so long. She eventually told me last night that she didn't want to be parted from my dad. I knew she wasn't well, but getting her to seek help was an uphill struggle, until it was too late. And stupid though it seems, I feel angry with my dad because of his AD; it stopped my mum speaking out and worst of all, he just isn't here to grieve with me.

Jules

 

[Taffy]

Dear Jules,

Your news is so sad I am sorry that your mum is so poorly your devastation and frustration is understandable.

I feel so angry that she kept her illness from me for so long.

People handle things the way they see fit and more times than not it's to protect others from the anguish. I think your mum choose the path she wanted to walk.

Over the last six weeks since mum was taken into hospital and he went into emergency residential care, he hasn't mentioned or asked about her once.

As sad as this is I can also see the blessing it's terrible heartbreaking having to repeatably tell bad news and watching the reaction like it's the first time they have heard it.

I sympathize with you, caring thoughts, love, Taffy.

 

[foxhound]

A hug down the ether.

I've no idea if it is possible, but might one be able to find a hospice which could squeeze two beds into one room, so at least your mother could feel that she has "stuck by" your father to the last?

Or pehaps a twin-bedded care home room, with Marie Curie or Macmillan doing the nursing - that might be more of a goer.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Jules

I`m so sorry you have the double burden, of grief for both parents, and that you are having to bear it alone.

But could you possibly take consolation in the knowledge your father will be spared the grief of losing his wife.

And please don`t be angry with your mother. She is allowed to do it her way, and I`m sure it was to save your suffering, not to increase it.

Don`t waste the time you have left with your parents by feeling anger. It`s no-one`s fault.

Love xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jules

We were told Friday

Oh Jules this must have been devastating and I am so sorry that you are having to experience this. You were only told Friday and so you must be reeling from this and all your feelings will be up in the air. In fact it must feel that life as you knew it, is up in the air.

You have a very difficult path to tread at the moment and all I can say is that there will always be someone here to talk to as and when you require it.

In the meantime sending you love and best wishes

 

[Skye]

Dear Jules

I'm so sorry you have had such terrible news.

What a brave woman your mum is, to have struggled on for so long because she wanted to care for your dad.

Please try not to be angry with either of your parents. Your mum did what I suspect most of us would have done. Tell her how proud you are, and give her a big hug. Don't waste however long you have with her in bitterness.

As for your dad, I think you're right not to tell him. He probably wouldn't understand, and that would only upset you more. It's going to be hard for you to keep your feelings bottled up when you visit, but I know you'll try.

I can also understand your anger that he's not able to support you, but you know he can't help that.

Try to channel your anger into making sure your mum and dad are comfortable and cared for, and let out your own emotions on TP.

We do listen, and we do understand. Sending you a big hug,

Love,

 

[Helen33]

Hello Jules

It's me again because I was re-reading your thread and realised I hadn't addressed what you first talked about.

he hasn't mentioned or asked about her once.

This, too, can be really devastating and upsetting but it is part of the illness and nothing personal. You have a difficult decision to make about if, how and/or when to tell your dad but if he doesn't remember your mum, I think it is more than likely that it will be hurting you far more than your father and he might be more affected by seeing you upset.

Personally, I would say don't worry about feeling angry at the moment - it's to be expected under the circumstances. You only need to become concerned if the feelings persist and turn to bitterness.

Love

 

[JulesLK]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I've been told by the hospital staff that we can visit at any time, as I don't think we have much longer together.

I do understand why my mum chose to stay with my dad; they were so devoted to each other and when she had to seek help and was admitted to hospital, I know she became depressed and I knew she was grieving. My feelings are all over the place at the moment, but I do know I love both my parents and will do what my mum wants me to do and what is best for my dad.

I visited my dad yesterday and although the home doesn't have plush carpets and is in need of a lick of paint in certain areas, he seems happy, has made a friend and is cared for. At least I can reassure my mum that he is well and safe. I didn't stop long as I found it very hard to keep a smile fixed on my face and after 10 minutes he kept asking me where I'd parked the car and wanted me to go anyway !

I have go into town and try to deal with the bank later today which I am not looking for to. I do hope they are reasonable and don't create problems with the Power of Attorny, otherwise I can see me throwing a tantrum in the foyer which in a woman of my age will not be a pretty sight

Jules

 

[Taffy]

Dear Jules,

You have such a burden to carry and I hope that your mum is comfortable and well cared for. I'm sure it will be reassuring to her knowing that your dad is happy and well cared for, that must also be very reassuring for you. I hope that things go smoothly at the bank. Caring Thoughts, Taffy.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Jules,

I am so sad to read your post. The others have pretty much said it all. It was the reverse with my Mum and Dad, Mum has AD and Dad had terminal cancer (he is now no longer with us). I don't think Mum really ever understood how bad he was really, and in a way I think that protected her. They both loved each other and cared for each other so much, sounds just like your parents. It was a privilege to have been their daughter.

I think there is a lot to be said for not telling your Dad if you think it will distress him and in any event he will probably forget it anyway. For example I told my Mum when my Dad had died (in fact I have told her several times), but she forgets each time and so it is distressing news for her each time. Now I don't tell her any more because I just don't want to keep causing her pain.

Good luck at the Bank, I found mine particularly sympathetic so I hope it's the same with yours.

 

[JulesLK]

Mum slipped away peacefully this afternoon while I and her grandson held her hand. Still feeling very numb at the moment but shall keep myself busy over the next few days trying to sort things out.

I have decided not to tell my dad, but will ring the residential home tomorrow to let the staff know and that I won't be up to see him this week.

I appreciate that some of you know how I am feeling having been through the same experience, so a big thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Jules

 

[Skye]

Dear Jules

I'm so sorry.

You must be in bits, there hasn't been much time for you to come to terms with the fact that your mum was dying. I'm glad the end was peaceful, with you and your son to hold her hand. You must have given her such comfort.

I think you're right not to tell your dad just now, there's absolutely no point in upsetting him, but this week is going to be so hard for you. Please don't hesitate to post if you feel like talking.

With love and sympathy,

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jules

I am so sorry Jules and quite shocked at the speed of mum's departure. You must be reeling. Thank goodness you were able to be there for her at her leaving and I am so glad it was peaceful.

There will always be someone here for you should you need to talk but in the meantime please accept my sincere condolences.

Love and a hug

 

[connie]

Dear Jules, saddened to read your news tonight.

I think what you are planning to do is right at this time, just so sorry it has to be this way.

Do look after yourself. Thinkig of you,

 

[BeckyJan]

Just to say I have followed your posts with much sadness and now I can only offer my deepest sympathy for you.

It was good that you were with your Mum at the end and you have surely made the right decision not to tell your Dad this week.

Thinking about you. Jan

 

[Chrissyan]

JulesLK. What a terrible time you are having of it. My deepest sympathy & big hugs.

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Jules

I am not good at expressing things, so please excuse me and try to realise what I am meaning to say.

It must be dreadful to witness at first hand the death of a parent, but how lucky for you that you could be with your mum at this most important time in her life. My dad died with no warning really, we knew he had terminal cancer, he was in a hospice, they rang at 10 a.m. to say he was distressed and shouting for my mum but not to worry. I went to get my mum at 10.30 to visit him earlier than planned only to get a phone call to say he had gone. We were 30 minutes too late. I regret not being there with him. I so regret it.

Your dad is now your concern. I don't know how you tell him or if you tell him. I would wait and see if he mentions your mum and if he does, just say she passed away. He might think it happened years ago, not just recently, you will have to play it by ear. It is important that he is happy with the situation, however much it might upset you that he doesn't realise.

Eh, no good at this.

Before my mum was diagnosed with AD she insisted my dad had come back from the dead, it was a daily record from her. Since she went into the care home a year ago it is as if she has forgotten he ever existed. I mention him from time to time but there is no response from her. And this was the husband that she loved to bits and was such a good man.

It's an odd illness, and a cruel one.

Have strength,Jules.

Love

Margaret

 

[Taffy]

Dear Jules,

I am so sorry you have lost your mum my condolences and deepest sympathy.

I wish you all the strength and courage needed to get through this sad time. Caring Thoughts, Taffy.

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear Jules,

So very sorry you've lost your Mum, sincere condolences.

Again you are going through what I did, because I was holding my Dad's hand at the end. It was very special. It was several days before I told Mum, her psychiatrist said that there was no rush, but it was her right to know, so they rang me when they thought she was ready to hear the news. To no avail really, as mentioned in my previous post, she has forgotten.

My Dad died in February, so I'm six months down the line from you and have thought back many times about whether I would have done any different, and am never in any doubt that I would do the same thing again.

The next few days are going to be difficult for you, but you know you will always find a friend happy to listen on TP.

 

[JulesLK]

Thank you for your messages of sympathy, it still feels like my head is full of cottonwool at the moment. Keeping myself busy during the day, but the nights are the worse.

I haven't told my dad and at present just can't face seeing him, but plan on going before my mum's funeral on Friday. My uncle (dad's brother) is travelling up from London and wants to visit him, so I shall go with him for support. I have been sorting out all my mum and dad's possessions (which has been so hard to do), but I have a mountain of stuff for my dad which no doubt will fill his room!

I know my uncle is not happy with my decision not to tell my dad yet and the fact that I am not taking him to the funeral. But my mum told me she didn't want him there as it would be too distressing for him and also for me to cope with his unpredictability. But I will make sure that my dad is there in my thoughts and have chosen a very special song by Nat King Cole which will be from my dad called 'Somewhere along the Way'. The lyrics just say it all.

Jules x