Going on alone

[Loopiloo]

Dear Sue, I wanted to reply to your last post but couldn’t at the time. I did feel sympathy and empathy concerning being a widow with no supportive caring other half when ‘things happen’, family living a distance away and the feeling alone etc. I could identify with how you felt. There will be others who feel likewise.

But when it came to it your family were there for you, and they do care. So it has been for me also in recent times. As with you, my elder daughter has been tremendous, I don't know what I would have done without her, and my younger daughter, who has many problems, there by phone. Some of the adult grandchildren also have been great.

You are probably right thinking it takes a crisis or urgent happening…. and yes they are busy people with young ones and work pressures, etc. But then when there is a need for their support we see they do love us and care about us just as we do them.

For us there is a huge empty void since losing our life partners and no longer having the huge responsibility of caring for them during their years of illness. Also dementia is one long slow and gradual loss of so much that once was everything - our lives. Probably too much on our own, the being alone and time to think and over-think, and yes at times feel sorry for ourselves when life is difficult. The last thing parents want is to be a burden to our adult children or appear to be needy. Although they probably do not see us as such.

Life will never be the same without our husbands. You have been doing very well since Ray died, doing things, being involved, making the best of your life. Keep on going x. Ray will always be one of the family, as I feel Henry is in our family. They are no longer present in our lives but they will always be our husbands and our children's Dad, and always missed.

Sorry to write so much about this now rather than responding at the time to your previous post. I hope you don't mind... I am somewhat hesitant about posting this...

I am very sorry that you have been through so much this last week or so and I do hope you are healing Sue. Also that you can rest which is not always easy living alone. Be kind to yourself. I hope your family being there for you has been a comfort to you, as it has been to me. For those who are now alone in their lives and have no family it must be so much worse.

Thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery.

With love
Loo xxx

 

[LadyA]

Sorry you've been hospitalised. Yeah, it is different when you're widowed. You feel much more alone, even if you've been managing for both of you for years! I'm glad your family came up trump's and supported you.

 

[sunray]

I had some good news on Friday, the community nurse told me the graft site is finally showing signs of healing in the area where it is most tender. It has now been five weeks since the operation, since then I have been mostly at home so I am really looking forward to getting back in the car and driving again, possibly from next Tuesday when she will look at it again. It will be wonderful to resume some of my former activities, just being back out in the world again.

I am so sorry for those who ar e housebound now. I guess I always imagined what it was like not to be able to just go out whenever one wanted to but having had a taste of that now I have a more realistic view. I have had my daughter and her family here for three days last week and really enjoyed the company. It was lovely to have time to talk to my grandchildren again and catch up with what is special in their lives. It is a pity life is so busy for everyone now.

 

[Loopiloo]

That is such good news, Sue! I am pleased for you. I hope all goes well next Tuesday when the nurse sees you again. Five weeks is a long time to have been housebound.

As you know, I am housebound, now almost two and a half years. I don’t think we truly realise any experience until we get a taste of it ourselves. I did have a taste of it some years ago when after radiotherapy I lost mobility due to ‘bone death’ which destroyed my hip. But I had Henry then, driving still OK - earlier dementia years. Living alone and being housebound is a different ball game. I miss freedom beyond words.

It is such a joy drive again! To be back in the world, as you say, something for you to look forward to! Lovely to have your daughter and grandchildren for a few days during this period. But yes, everyone so busy…

Not long until your summer now. Apparently Melbourne where my grand-daughter Kerry is has had some freezing weather, more so than they normally get.

Every best wish Sue
With love
Loo xxx

 

[sunray]

Yes Loo you are right, without the partner to be a companion, someone to rely on and who can help out it is very hard. I had a few days when I saw no-one and realised once again what it is like to be truly alone. Of course my daughter and her family have been a blessing as have some of my friends who have given me so much comfort, kept in touch and stayed up-to-date with my news. Of course I have also had those who called to say : "we must go out for a drive/out to lunch." and that was the last I heard from them. I call those "piecrust friends" from the old saying: "Promises are like pie crusts, made to be broken." I would much rather they simply kept in touch and didn't make promises they could not keep.

 

[Loopiloo]

I like that expression piecrust friends! I expect they do mean well at the time, but then they become caught up in their own lives and time passes… Good that you have other friends who have kept in touch.

Yes it is very hard being without one’s life partner to rely on and who helps out. The companionship we tend to take for granted when young and fit. Also when family don’t live nearby. Not that I would lean heavily on them for ‘help’, but just regularly having them as part of life.

The weather will be improving where you are, coming into your Spring? I do dread the long months ahead here, and already the night are fast darkening, earlier and earlier. Today, though, is a beautiful sunny one, although a strong wind. Perhaps this early evening not quite so early dark and lights on!

Best wishes for a continuing recovery Sue, and getting back to being out and about.

Thoughts and love
Loo xxx

 

[sunray]

I now have clearance from the community nurses, so no more bandaging. I have been to my own GP and he said the wound is much as he expected. I am driving again too. I feel well but I am still very tired, I think the four weeks essentially of bed rest reduced my stamina and I need to slowly build that up again. I am certainly not ready to resume all that I was doing prior to the operation.

Loo I do have some swelling in my left leg, I'm guessing the incision cut across the lymph pathways and that is the cause. The swelling goes down somewhat at night but a humid day makes it worse. Of course it is still early days and I need to have complete healing before I know whether this is permanent or not.

 

[LadyA]

So glad to hear that you are recovering well. And yes, I would say the "resting" for four weeks would affect your stamina and fitness! Not to mention that major surgery, anaesthetic etc. all take a toll too. So, go gently and build slowly. I am sure you are glad to be driving again though. At least that gives you some independence!

 

[Grannie G]

Its good to hear you are recovering Sue.

I heard it takes 6 months to make a full recovery after surgery and immobility so take it slowly and try not to expect too much from yourself.

It`s three and a half years since Dhiren died and it still feels really new to me so you're in good company.

 

[sunray]

I had two days away at my daughter's place and came home today to a flooded house! My hot water tank had burst and the water poured in continually and straight out again. It flooded the laundry, the whole of the back enclosed verandah and the bathroom. Luckily one of the men in one of the groups I meet with is a handyman so I called him and he came, contacted a plumber and at great expense it will all be replaced tomorrow. I have never been good at asking for help so this is one time when I recognised an emergency I simply couldn't handle myself and did so.

My leg is still causing me some problems so I will be happy if that eases off as time goes by. My daughter said to remember they are all praying for my recovery at her Salvation Army Corps and I know my church does too. It is humbling to realise that people do care for me even when it does not seem so. Hope a few days will dry the carpets out, if not they will have to be replaced I guess. More expense. I had better put holidays on hold for a while.

 

[Loopiloo]

Oh dear, Sue, what a homecoming for you… An expensive one too. Hopefully the carpets do dry out and don’t need replaced.

The trouble with being independent and self sufficient most of one’s life is the not being good at asking for help - it is inbuilt. I don’t think it is ‘pride’ as some people do, but simply never having to had to ask. However, a time can come when seeking help is a necessity. I still try to do what I can myself - but that is extremely limited now! I am less hesitant about asking for help, recognise what I can do and what is impossible. But still wish that was not necessary!

Yes, it is very humbling when you realise people do care and you had not realised that.

I hope you see gradual improvement in your leg, and are managing to pace yourself - another thing difficult to do.

Also that you thoroughly enjoyed time with your daughter and that the hassle of the flood did not take the shine off of that.

Grand-daughter Kerry in Melbourne tells me it is getting hot, in the 30’s and forecast 40’s. She loves it but now ‘big with child’, just over 4 weeks to go, and tired - with a lively two and a half year old.

Take it easy.
Love
Loo xxx

 

[grouse]

Hi Sue, I haven't spoken to you for a while but I see you are recovering from surgery and hopefully taking things slowly. What a shame about your leak, probably the last thing you expected coming home. But it's nice to see you are having a bit more contact with your daughter and seeing your grandkids too, that must be a comfort to you.

hope your leg is feeling a bit better now x

 

[sunray]

I have just been to the cancer specialist, have just had a heap of tests and seeing her was the next move. Some good news no secondaries showing up as yet, some bad news, thyroid tests needed plus another brain scan. It is a long road to being cleared after melanoma as it is with most cancers. I will have another operation at the end of February. Unfortunately with a long recuperation period to follow. Not a good ending to summer.

 

[Izzy]

I'm sorry to hear you will have to face another operation @sunray.

 

[sunray]

Thanks Izzy, I am confident I will get through it just not looking forward to that long recuperative process with no-one to be here with me. I know my daughter will try to be here once a week and that is all the time she can spare and I should have help with wound care and maybe other services but that does leave a lot of time on my own. Not looking forward to that.

 

[Grannie G]

Sorry to hear you need more surgery Sue. It really is rotten when you are solo. I'm doing everything possible to prevent knee surgery but I know you have no option.

 

[grouse]

Is there any chance of you moving to be closer to your daughter sunray? I'm sorry to hear you have to go through another op and recuperation.

 

[sunray]

Is there any chance of you moving to be closer to your daughter sunray? I'm sorry to hear you have to go through another op and recuperation.

No sense in moving closer to my daughter as she is a Salvation Army officer and subject to being moved anywhere in Australia. She is an hour and a half away from me, the closest she has been for years. I am happy about that. I just get a little worried about the recovery period and how much time I will have on my own. Hopefully all will be well.

 

[sunray]

Just feeling nervous today as I am having another biopsy. This is when being on my own seems tough, with no-one to reassure me. It is when I do something I have never done before or something scary that I so miss not having Ray to talk things over with. I have been up since before dawn as sleep evaded me and no amount of reading, warm drinks etc helped. Sometimes the only thing that is going to help is that reassuring voice telling me that it will be okay. And maybe a warm hug would help too.

 

[Loopiloo]

Oh Sue I do feel for you, it is tough when you are on your own at such times and the one you shared so much with is no longer with you to share, reassure, to hold you close. A warm hug, an assuring smile does help when you are facing the unknown and are scared.

I feel helpless to comfort, and can only emphasise....

I am wondering if your surgery is today and how long you will be in hospital. How long the recovery period.....

Please do write here Sue, it can help... although I realise you may not feel up to it for a wee while. I hope the family, your daughter, will be in touch and perhaps she can manage to spend some time with you. I know what it is like when they have busy lives, commitments and work, as my daughter lives a distance away and I don't see her often and don't want to be a burden.

When the going is tough give her a phone, it can help, and she will be concerned about you,

Thinking of you and wishing the best outcome for you.

Love
Loo xxx