Hello all - I am hoping someone can give me some advice for moving my life on. I spent the last few years looking after/helping my parents (was also working). My mum died in Oct 2015 and I then put all my time, emotions and effort into supporting my dad (who went into full time care in 2012). My dad was treated badly in his previous care home, which contributed to my mum's sudden death. Anyway I moved him 3 months after she died. I spent all my time making sure he was well, I fed him, gave him drinks, rubbed his feet when they were cold.... everything my mum would have done. Sadly, he passed away in July 2017 following a very long and protracted illness and was bed bound for most of the last 3 years of his life. I know deep down he is in a better place, but I cannot seem to muster any motivation or pleasure in life. I think I was still not over mum's death when dad went, so it all seems too much. I am working, but just going through the motions. I read an article once when this man wrote that when his parents died he felt "hollowed out". This is just how I feel. My parents did not believe in self pity, so I know they would be telling myself to pull myself together! I have a lot of extra time on my hands now that dad has gone... how do I make the most of it? Sorry to ramble on.
Tips for coping
- Thread starter lavender1
- Start date
This isn't self-pity, it's grief, and it's very normal. Can you maybe get some bereavement counselling? I was offered some after my OH died.
There is a member here who posted about new projects she is attempting - hang on, let me find it. Ah, here it is: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/project-folder.106600/
There is a member here who posted about new projects she is attempting - hang on, let me find it. Ah, here it is: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/project-folder.106600/
I agree with Beate. Perhaps it would be a good idea to consider counselling. It might help to contact CRUSE to talk it through -
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
Thanks Izzy - I had counselling after my mum died, but did not feel it was for me. I will keep it in mind though.
I can appreciate that. I've never had counselling and don't think it would be for me either. Still everyone's different! Wishing you all the bes.
I am in an early stage of grief myself (my mother died ten days before Christmas), so I cannot give any advice from a position of strength. But I do know how you feel, and I am very sorry that it's so hard to move on.
My advice as a dispassionate person would be to organise a trip away, somewhere and something that you'd really enjoy, but would not demand huge effort from you in terms of energetic socialising or physical activity. Something that involves other people in a quieter way would be good, though, and one that involves getting out in the open and in touch with nature - or history, if that's an interest.
In the past when I've had worries and then gone away on holiday I've found that I was able to shut the worries out of mind. This sort of grief is different, but you could try a short and simple form of 'getting away' and see if it helped.
Keep talking to us, too. We all know what it's like here.
Very best wishes,
Marcelle xx
Hello Lavender, I understand how you feel. I felt lost when my Mother died in March 2016. I felt physically as if my insides had been scooped out. I felt totally empty. I had a job and a family which forced me to go on, but I personally felt like the essence of me had died with my Mum. When your a carer you have a strong purpose in life. You devoted everything to making sure your Dad was OK and its sounds to me that you did that very well. I dont think you are feeling self pity, but really feel your life has lost its reason, as well as the grief of losing the father you cared so much about.
My advice is to look for anything that gets you out of your house and thinking of others. If you are a member of a church volunteer for something. If not, go to a charity shop or look for a way of giving. I did this and it helped me be me again, even just a little bit. A change of scenery if you can afford it with a holiday, or if not a day trip somewhere, even in the cold winter weather. I lost my father in 1995 and still grieve for him. The wound eventually scars over so you can go on. Its the price we pay for love, and I would rather pay than miss out on the love.
Im sending you love and strength. Time helps make it more bearable but grief is so hard. You are not alone
Love Quilty
Thank you for your kind words. I will take your advice and push myself a bit more. I think I might feel up to this in the spring as this is the season we always loved as a family x
I think Quiltys post sums up everything a lot of us feel so you are not alone...there are many of us who feel exactly the same limbo. My mum died suddenly in 2013 seems like only yesterday...dad died March last year and I think for me it is almost just feeling lost still and It has been surprising to me that I feel like that as I used to be a proactive half glass full type of girl before dad's dementia..but I think dementia gradually drains the spark and oomph out of a carer. It isn't self pity so put that out of your mindset your parents perhaps like mine in that generation were very stoical probably because going through the war years or just after they had to deal with and see things they just had to get on with but there is more support and understanding available these days although I can imagine my parents being like that anyway! Maybe because caring for a pwd is so intense...all consuming...and lengthy and we yearned for time to ourselves now we have that time we don't quite know how to adjust and lacking motivation is part of that. I have lots of things I should be getting on with but have to push myself to even think about them let alone get on and do them. Some are chores some are things like getting back to hobbies which I thought I would jump at now I have the time but I don't seem to. So ... I started 2 lists...one of things I would like to do places to visit that sort of thing..and the other of things I have to do such as sorting mum and dad's things after selling the house..personal paperwork...etc and my aim is to do one thing even a small thing each week to try to shake myself up a bit! But I know how you feel.
