My nana has Dementia, but its my mum I'm worried about..

[Hannah_768]

My name is hannah, im 18 and live with a dementia sufferer... although i'm not my nans primary carer my whole family suffers. We relocated to West Sussex 2 years ago and my nan came to live with us as she was old and lonely, shes 77 now and doesn't know who we are.
At first it was the little things, she wouldnt know what day it was, would forget names, then she started to see things.. this was when we got her diagnosed. I'd like to say that this is new to me and that i don't know what comes next but my grandad died from Alzheimers in 2003. Fortunatly though he was placed into a home.
My nan is now in the start of the stages of incontinence, this is what is effecting my mum the most... we could all put up with the verbal abuse that she gave us but my mum does too much and won't let anyone help. i often find her crying when shes alone, and now shes starting to say that her "life isn't worth living" i know that she wouldn't do anything at the moment but i'm worried how much more she can take, she's constantly run down and i think depressed... she won't go the the doctor and social services are no help, there are "insufficient funds" to place my nan in a home. To top it off none of my family seem to understand or help, its a case of the elephant in the room that no one will talk about.

 

[gigi]

Hello Hannah,

Welcome to TP.....

You've raised a lot of issues there..which I'm sure others will respond to more adequately than I can.

First off I want to say that your mum and nan are very lucky to have you around to care so much as you obviously do..

And to ask for help..which you have.

Your situation is beyond my experience..but I have read of others with similar problems here.

Perhaps someone would move your thread to the main forum where you would find more support?

Love gigi xx

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Hannah and welcome to Talking Point

I know you're correct - caring for someone with dementia affects the whole family even when they don't live with you, and it can be particularly bad when they do. I understand where your mother is coming from - I'm sure she doesn't want what she sees as her decision (to have your grandmother live with you) to impact on the rest of you in anyway. I'm not sure that's realistic though, but I'm not sure how you get her to accept that. Unfortunately she may have to hit bottom before she accepts any help. Is is possible she would accept help with other things (cooking, shopping, cleaning) that aren't directly related to her mother's care? After all, that's what families do.

As to the "no money" argument from social services - that really IS irrelevant. 1) there is no legal requirement for your mother (or anyone else) to be a carer - if it gets to the point that she can't care any longer, then social services MUST take over. 2) Assuming that your grandmother doesn't have any savings (or they are below the £21000 threshold in which case a sliding scale comes into play) then your local authorities budgetary constraints are their problem and nothing to do with you. 3) Has your mother had a carers assessment? This is her right and may make accessing services a little easier. Having said that, though, I vaguely remember that West Sussex is not right up there with regard to services.

Any questions, just ask.

 

[Nebiroth]

As Jennifer has said - the "there's no money" doesn't wash.

There is absolutely NO legal obligation for a family member to provide care for another. However, there IS an obligation for Social Services to do so, this is called the duty of care. They MUST provide care if family (or anyone else) either can't or won't do so. If your Nan's assets are below a certain level, then Social Services will have to pay for it.

It's no wonder your mum is getting exhausted and depressed.

Would it be possible to have a quiet chat with your mum about this? You could start by saying how worried you are about her; after all she wants to look after her mum, and you're trying to do the same thing!

Has your mum had a care assessment? It is her legal right to have one, and it takes into account the needs of the carer as well. There are many things that could be done to help ease the load off your mum. Perhaps she's worried that "care" means having to put Nan into a home. But that need not be the case. Indeed, Social Services would much rather provide home support because, for one thing, it costs a lot less than a care home place!

 

[Lynne]

Sorry to play the money card

But has anyone claimed Attendance Allowance on your Nan's behalf, and has your Mum applied for Carer's Allowance?

It's not just a question of having some extra money coming in, these allowances act as a benchmark for other benefits & care entitlements.
For instance, you probably shouldn't be paying Council Tax for your Nan, as she is probably exempt.

Best wishes

 

[Suzanna]

support groups

Hey, just a real quick thought,

i don't know if it is any good or the kind of thing that you/your mum would be interested in but i know there are some good support groups out there (much like this forum but with faces to names!) in the West Sussex area (i have also just moved to the county) and saw an advert in my local sainsburys the other day. If you want to message me feel free, and i'll let you know what area it is that i saw the group (i believe forum rules advise not posting where i live exactly on the board)

hope you are well,

Suzanna

 

[Sophie Rae]

Hi Hannah,
My Name is Sophie and i'm 9 years old.I have a grandad who suffers from Dementia.It must be really hard living with someone who has Dementia,my grandad lives in a nursing home now. My only grandma has just passed away and i started to spend more time with my grandad. I relised how triky it must be living with someone who has Dementia. my grandads incontinent but we find he's still the same person. I'm really sorry about your mother but i can't really give any advice because i'm not an expert on Dementia

Best wishes,look after your mum!
Sophie xxx